It Still Hurts

I still vividly remember the moment I looked at the pregnancy test that after four years of infertility said pregnant. It was a very unreal moment and I didn't believe it. I was in shock much of that day. I was super excited but also in utter disbelief. How could it be after 4 years of struggling that I was finally pregnant?

Cody's birthday had just passed so I shared the news with him in a fun last birthday gift kind of way. We were excited. It wasn't long before we anxiously told family and friends who had been praying along with us for months or even years. It felt good to be able to have our prayers answered in such a big way. 

Emily was so excited yet confused about her new title as big sister. She didn't understand why everyone that found out would cry tears of joy. Tears of joy streamed down so many cheeks because of the wait. The long, painful wait. There was such joy in our story. We started dreaming about our new family of 4, we started getting excited about being able to do the things we had in some ways thought would never ever happen again. We started collecting some of those baby things we would need again if they happened to pop up on the buy sale trade pages. I had even started a amazon registry of things I knew I would need. 

And then just like that it all came to an end. It was the Friday before my 33rd birthday. I started spotting but everyone tried to assure me that it could be nothing and totally normal. But something in my gut told me it wasn't normal. I tried hard to just trust in God that day. To rest, to not let my mind go rampant but I couldn't stop it. That night we decided to hang out with friends so my mind could be somewhere else. And that night at our friends house is the night that we lost that baby. It was a special kind of awful. That night was easily one of the worst nights of my life.

The silver lining? We have the most incredible friends in the world. Love was poured down on me like I've never experienced before. Plants, Starbucks cards, gifts, etc made their way to my doorsteps and in my arms. I spent days curled up in bed miserable physically and emotionally. The Lord was in the midst of every single small detail in this pregnancy and the loss. My switch to an new OB that met up with me on the weekend, that holds my hand when I sob in her office, and encourages me. That's not lost on me. The way friends poured their love out to me all is not lost on me. 

Some days still really suck. Overall, I count myself lucky and know that God is working in this story. But there are days that I just can't stop myself from crying. There are days that my heart aches so much I just want to puke. There are days that the hole in my heart feels too big. Some days when I am reminded of our pregnancy or our loss or our what could have been I just have to sob. 

There are days like today when I clean out the pictures on my phone and I want to crumble to pieces. I want to share my heartache with people, but don't want to in the same token because it's just too hard. Sharing my story is therapeutic for me and has always been a way I've dealt with the heartache of our infertility and now our loss. I often share on facebook because it's easy, but I've decided to start sharing on our blog again. This blog is a place where I can really share how I feel far beyond a few simple sentences. I want to share my story because I want my story to help someone else. I want my story to be the reason someone else knows how to help a friend. I want my story to helps others feel comfortable to share their own. I want my story to help whoever I can whether it be the one struggling through infertility or loss or the one who just happens to be a friend of the person struggling. May my story impact someones life.

Eight Months

 

Dear Emily,
 
Another month has come & gone, we of course had a blast. We have been going to the pool and having play dates with friends plus we took our first road trip. Turns out you don't sleep in the car anymore. We decided to travel during your bedtime so you would sleep the entire time, but little did we know you would only sleep 45 minutes of our nearly 6 hour drive. But you were happy so I can't complain!

You have lost your interest in learning to crawl now that you've discovered that rolling gets you pretty much wherever you want to go. You keep trying but it's pretty frustrating for you. You are learning to stand & play with some of your toys and a lot of times won't sit down for us. At this rate you may decide to walk before you crawl.

You are picking up on sign language now which is fun to watch. It all started with you learning to clap. Once I realized you could clap then I knew you could probably learn sign language too. I started signing "all done" & you quickly picked it up. You are working on "more" but it's a little bit difficult still. I catch you working on your signs when you are laying in your bed. 

I can tell you are learning so much right now. You are constantly taking in your environment and really watching when we show you a new toy. You also try to read your books with us when we read them to you. Love it!

We love you more today than yesterday and this will be true tomorrow and every day after that. You are the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Love,

Mommy

Seven Months

Dear Emily,

You have changed so much in the past month as you have begun to really develop such a personality. Your smiles keep everyone around you smiling too. It's always fun to make you smile & giggle. You have also started swaying/rocking to the music which is super cute. And now you are starting to mimic some of our moves too.

You mastered your sitting skills and enjoy sitting up playing with your toys. Plus we can sit in a high chair and shopping cart now which make life a little easier for this momma!


You are still trying to learn to crawl, but spend less time on your belly now that you are sitting. You can get up on your knees but then face plant. If you get up on your arms you will rock back & forth until you fall. I am sure it's just a matter of a few weeks before it's baby proofing time in this house.

You are becoming an independent sleeper now. You no longer prefer for us to rock you to sleep like you used to. We read you your books, give you your paci, say I love you and night night then lay you down. Normally you go to sleep within 15 minutes, but sometimes you fight us or want to be rocked. A lot of times you are trying to learn that crawling skill so you lay in bed rocking back and forth trying to get somewhere. 


Still loving the pool, but recently we discovered the local water park/pool and you love it! You can sit in the pool without your float and splash around. You also get to sit in the splash park and let the water come up and hit you in the face. We will be spending a lot of our summer going to the water park. Having to get creative to try to beat this Texas heat so we visited the aquarium and you loved it! Play dates are starting to entertain a lot of our free time.

We love you more today than yesterday and this will be true tomorrow and every day after that. You are the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Love,

Mommy

Six Months

Dear Emily,

You have now been in this world for a full six months which is half of a year. This can't be true. There have been so many changes in the past six months. You were so little & now you're so big. Everyday I love you a little more than the day before...

You decided to hit a big milestone the day before your six month birthday, that's right you are sitting up now. You are still a bit wobbly and unsure of yourself, but I am sure you will master it soon. I think you'd much rather be on your belly and working on that crawling business than messing with sitting. You have been pulling your legs up and trying to get into a crawl stance, but not there yet. However, that doesn't keep you from getting around. You manage to cover a large area of the floor when you are having floor time.

You had your first cold this month. I hated it for you, but you are a trooper. On top of the cold, you have been teething like crazy but those darn teeth still have yet to break through. I am enjoying the last of your toothless grin. You unlike many babies LOVE to chew on the teethers that you put in the freezer which is good because they bring you some relief. Wish there was more I could do to make this process easier. 

With summer here, we have been doing a lot of swimming. You love to swim especially when you can lounge in your float. However, you also love to get out of the float and try to swim. You kick your legs & splash your arms in the water. You don't like it when you splash yourself in the face though. As soon as you are sitting better I'll pull your baby pool back out so we can have swim time every day. 

I love your sweet smiles & coos. You are always making me laugh. I can't seem to kiss you enough which I'm sure you love. And everyone who meets you loves you and your sweet personality. I love that you make so many people happy with your infectious smile & personality. You light up our world baby girl!

We love you more today than yesterday and this will be true tomorrow and every day after that. You are the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Love,

Mommy

Five Months

Dear Emily,

You are already five months old, my how time flies! You are the best thing that has ever happened to us & we love you dearly.

You are getting so big. I can't believe how much you seem to be changing. A lot of people have been telling me you look like daddy lately. However, I keep seeing your cousins in you and your Aunt Nicole. It will be neat to see who you end up looking like.

 You are a moving machine. You roll from one end of your crib to the other within a matter of moments. When you play on the floor you seem to cover a small area so quickly. You want to go somewhere so bad, but not yet little one...not yet. You continue to love to sit & stand as much as possible and are always raising your head to let me know you want to do so. 

 You are a talker just like your mom and dad, but seem to be shy too. When we are out in public you are so quiet but as soon as we get in the car you start cooing and babbling as loud as you can. Perhaps it's a good thing you are pretty quiet when we are out to eat or out somewhere else.

We love you more today than yesterday and this will be true tomorrow and every day after that. You are the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Love,

Mommy

Four Months

Dear Emily,

You are four months old this week. This week a year ago is when we found out we were pregnant with you. This has easily been the best year of my life! We couldn't be more excited to have you in our life.

This month you did a lot of growing. You went from looking like a newborn to a big baby. I've packed away all of your newborn & 0-3 month clothes. You are even trying to outgrow some of your 3-6 month clothing already. You are starting to get heavy in your carseat, but it's a good work out for me!

A couple of weeks ago you started giggling. It was seriously the cutest thing ever. I have a few videos of you doing it. We can't get you to do it often yet, but probably once a day we get to hear your sweet giggles. I can't wait to hear a good full belly laugh!

Just last week you learned to roll from your back to your belly. You have been much happier sleeping on your belly, though it was a tough adjustment. As soon as I lay you in your crib you start to roll over which makes me realize just how much you love laying on your tummy. You sleep longer this way too. Not to mention you now sleep in your crib during your naps for the first time since you were born. I tear up nearly every time I have to go lay you in your crib realizing how you are growing so fast! I don't care what the books say I rock you to sleep every time and you have no problem adjusting to being in your crib after falling asleep in my arms. I normally hold you for a little while before I lay you down.

We tried rice cereal and you aren't really a fan yet. You have now had it three times & I will say the third time went much smoother than the others. Before long you will be enjoying more than rice cereal as you adventure into your fruits and veggies.


Aside from physical development you continue to entertain us with your sweet personality. You LOVE to spend some alone time in your crib while mommy does something in another room. You kick and giggle moving up and down your entire crib. You enjoy sitting on the patio everyday to enjoy the pretty weather & if it works out we normally take a walk which you also love to do. You really like to read books too! We read a book called "I Ruff You" every night before we go to bed.

We love you more today than yesterday and this will be true tomorrow and every day after that. You are the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Love,

Mommy

Happy Easter!!!

Happy Easter from Little Miss!

Emily's friend Emma invited her to go to the Dallas Arboretum for her Spring photo shoot. Her daddy is an incredible photographer and took these great photos. And no Emily is not sitting up yet I was holding her up, but Jon was able to get rid of my trusty little hand!

photos by Jonathan Ivy Photography

(If you are in need of a wedding photographer in the Dallas or Houston area than Jon & Samantha are the perfect team!)