I still vividly remember the moment I looked at the pregnancy test that after four years of infertility said pregnant. It was a very unreal moment and I didn't believe it. I was in shock much of that day. I was super excited but also in utter disbelief. How could it be after 4 years of struggling that I was finally pregnant?
Cody's birthday had just passed so I shared the news with him in a fun last birthday gift kind of way. We were excited. It wasn't long before we anxiously told family and friends who had been praying along with us for months or even years. It felt good to be able to have our prayers answered in such a big way.
Emily was so excited yet confused about her new title as big sister. She didn't understand why everyone that found out would cry tears of joy. Tears of joy streamed down so many cheeks because of the wait. The long, painful wait. There was such joy in our story. We started dreaming about our new family of 4, we started getting excited about being able to do the things we had in some ways thought would never ever happen again. We started collecting some of those baby things we would need again if they happened to pop up on the buy sale trade pages. I had even started a amazon registry of things I knew I would need.
And then just like that it all came to an end. It was the Friday before my 33rd birthday. I started spotting but everyone tried to assure me that it could be nothing and totally normal. But something in my gut told me it wasn't normal. I tried hard to just trust in God that day. To rest, to not let my mind go rampant but I couldn't stop it. That night we decided to hang out with friends so my mind could be somewhere else. And that night at our friends house is the night that we lost that baby. It was a special kind of awful. That night was easily one of the worst nights of my life.
The silver lining? We have the most incredible friends in the world. Love was poured down on me like I've never experienced before. Plants, Starbucks cards, gifts, etc made their way to my doorsteps and in my arms. I spent days curled up in bed miserable physically and emotionally. The Lord was in the midst of every single small detail in this pregnancy and the loss. My switch to an new OB that met up with me on the weekend, that holds my hand when I sob in her office, and encourages me. That's not lost on me. The way friends poured their love out to me all is not lost on me.
Some days still really suck. Overall, I count myself lucky and know that God is working in this story. But there are days that I just can't stop myself from crying. There are days that my heart aches so much I just want to puke. There are days that the hole in my heart feels too big. Some days when I am reminded of our pregnancy or our loss or our what could have been I just have to sob.
There are days like today when I clean out the pictures on my phone and I want to crumble to pieces. I want to share my heartache with people, but don't want to in the same token because it's just too hard. Sharing my story is therapeutic for me and has always been a way I've dealt with the heartache of our infertility and now our loss. I often share on facebook because it's easy, but I've decided to start sharing on our blog again. This blog is a place where I can really share how I feel far beyond a few simple sentences. I want to share my story because I want my story to help someone else. I want my story to be the reason someone else knows how to help a friend. I want my story to helps others feel comfortable to share their own. I want my story to help whoever I can whether it be the one struggling through infertility or loss or the one who just happens to be a friend of the person struggling. May my story impact someones life.
