Six Christmases

This Christmas was rather eventful as we hopped from Christmas to Christmas. My sister and her family arrived on Wednesday and we enjoyed a nice family fun night eating at Pei Wei and going to Main Event.The kids had so much fun and so did we!

Bowling as a family--Tristan really enjoyed watching but would much rather have thrown the ball down the lane himself. Little guy was able to hold the 6 pound ball!

Uncle Cody is really enjoying his time.

After family fun time Cody & I did our Christmas together. Cody read Luke 2 for us before we started opening Christmas. It was fun to share in this special time together as newly weds. We both got TOMS for Christmas among a number of other things-but the Toms pictures make me laugh the most. Only because Cody copied me.



Our first Christmas together!

On Christmas Eve we drove to Oak Cliff to attend Cody's Uncles Christmas Eve service. It was snowing the entire time so the roads were getting pretty slick. We then had Christmas Eve with his extended family on his moms side then Christmas with his immediate family after they left. We then took a three hour drive back to my parents what normally is only an hour. I really hope we never have to drive in those icy conditions for Christmas again.

Grandma gives all the grandkids teddy bears every year. I am happy to be part of this family tradition. There are even some cousins missing here since they live in China.

These are my new siblings! Christmas Eve with my new family was very enjoyable and I am so blessed to have such great in-laws! Christmas morning was spent with my parents along with my sisters family. Ellie & Tristan were both very excited about Christmas and the gift they got from Santa. (Not that Tristan really understands all that)

Tristan absolutely loved playing with his new basketball goal.

This was my favorite Christmas gift.

The kids loved Tristans new wagon--and Uncle Cody was nice enough to take them for a really long walk in it the day after Christmas.

The day after Christmas we spent most of the day with my family, but ended it eat burgers and doing a White Elephant exchange with his dads side of the family. We had a blast and were proud to take home a fanny bank that farts.

Mema and all of her grandkids! We were truly laughing hysterically by the end of this photo shoot mostly thanks to the farting fanny bank.

On Sunday we spent time back with my family since my Aunt, Uncle & Cousin came in town. It was a great way to end our Christmas celebration...Six Christmases.

Tristan absolutely loved his John Deer 4-wheeler.

Ellie wanted to play her Leapster right next to her Uncle Cody whom she adores.
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Tristan also absolutely adores his Uncle Cody.

Our first Christmas was absolutely amazing! I am so blessed to have married into such a great family. I am also so blessed that Cody fits right in with mine. I am so excited about the many Christmases to come between us. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas too!

A Legacy of Love

In our wedding we have planned to honor the marriages of our Grandparents as we believe they have set before us a legacy of love. I have lost both sets of my grandparents and Cody has lost his grandfather. There are still days that I get teary eyed thinking about my grandparents and how much I really loved them. I have especially been teary eyed in the past several months as we've discussed how we would honor them in the wedding.

I was still very young when my Papaw died so I don't really remember a lot about him. I remember I always had so much fun at his house. I remember his delicious chocolate ice cream that we ate in the small yellow cups. I remember his brown pillow that lies on my bed now. I know that my Grandma loved this man very much. She continued to love him over the years as she survived him by a good 12 years if not more. That is a legacy of love that we want in our own marriage...a love that lasts forever and ever. A love for someone that can't ever be replaced.

I was also pretty young when my Granddad died as it was only two years after my Papaw. I remember him a little better as I was a little older. I remember picking pecans, stacking dominoes, watching tv and eating popcorn, trips to the apple orchard and science museum, and enjoying many days playing around at the church. But something else I remembered about Granddad was that he was a servant and that he loved and adored his wife. Granddad knew what it meant to love his bride like Christ loved the church. My GeeMa was madly in love with this man and to be honest I am very surprised she survived without him as long as she did. That is a legacy of love that I also hope we can mirror in our marriage.

Codys story about his grandfather and his grandma are his to tell as I don't know him the way he does. But I can tell you that one of our first conversations when we were dating was about our grandparents and how much we loved and cherished the people they were. And how he aspired to be like his Grandfather and I like my Grandma. Hard shoes to fill, but we are willing to try.

Today my second cousin, Pam called my mom to tell her that her dad had passed away suddenly today. Her father, Uncle Roy was my Granddads brother. Roy had RSVPd for the wedding and was excited to be attending and I was excited to see him. I saw him back in April at his wifes funeral and seeing him brought back so many happy memories from my childhood. It was sweet to hear their love story and just know their life together as a married couple. Something about his death has really struck something in me. I guess with me thinking about my Grandparents a lot lately I had been excited to see him at the wedding as he was my Granddads brother. It's weird to me that the wedding is two weeks away and he won't be there. Don't get me wrong I am happy that he is in Heaven, but I guess I thought him being there would be like having a part of my Granddad at the wedding.

Recipes

Last week my mothers friend, Susan, my second mom threw me a wonderful recipe/pounding shower. The ladies brought the non-perishables as well as their favorite recipe as gifts. I have enjoyed cooking the various recipes and love adding to my new recipe box. Susan gave me a recipe box that reads "From the Kitchen of Jana Kitts". I am hoping that you guys can help me out by giving me even more recipes to fill my box with. What's your favorite recipe?

My First Shower

My first shower was two weeks ago and hosted by my best friend and her mother. It was such a sweet time to be surrounded by some of the people that I love most! It was good to see my family, my soon to be family, close family friends and my closest friends. It was such a blessing to be showered with gifts for mine and Cody's journey together. We are very excited about all the great gifts we received and can't wait to use them.

Thank you so much Chelsey & Donna for hosting an awesome first shower. And a thanks to everyone that made it out for the shower. I love each and every one of you.

Engagement

I love this picture! Hillary Wysong is an amazing photographer!

http://www.hillaryannephotography.com/

Bailee Madison

Please watch this little girls video on I Am Second.

http://iamsecond.com/#/seconds/Bailee_Madison/

This little girl melts my heart as she shares about why she is second and what God has done in her life. My prayer is that my own children will know God in such a way at this young of an age.

The Who's

And I am not talking about the Whos' from the Grinch stole Christmas. I am talking about wedding invitations and shower invitations. Who do I invite?

Everyone I have talked to about this says that this is a very difficult process in the wedding planning, but I wanted to see if any of you had any good advice. I started my invite list the day after I got engaged and to this day still add people all the time that I "forgot" about or didn't realize I should invite. Do I invite the people I was once really close with? Former co-workers? Current co-workers? Only those I am closest too? If I invite 5 people from work do I need to invite the other 15? Do I should send a work invitation? If I invite Suzy who is best friend with Lucy then do I invite Lucy even though I don't really talk to Lucy any more? Do I invite Kate because she invited me to her wedding?

What about showers? Do I invite any of my friends to the family and adult showers? Who do I invite to what shower? Do I only invite my good friends to the lingerie shower? Same Suzy vs Lucy story? Ahhh I dunno what to do or who to invite...

Overwhelmed by Unemployment.

I warn you all that I am about to enter a serious soap box and realize my opinions may be a little over exaggerated but I'm thoroughly irritated and uber opinionated at this moment in time. I realize that I am not alone in this unemployment boat and while I often feel sorry for myself, I know that God is going to provide for me and I am okay but at the same time I can't help but battle with a great deal of bitter at times.

I have battled with this unemployment thing for some time now. I have been searching for a job since I graduated with my Masters exactly a year ago. I have worked some part-time jobs to survive, but nothing has been truly beneficial as every month I struggle to make ends meet. Its often funny to me when a friend says "I know what you are going through, I had to look for a job for two months." I just want to say "really 2 months, that must have been so awful!" Meanwhile they lived at home and their parents paid their bills or they had enough money in savings to survive off.

I really try not to be bitter about my current job situation and am always happy for others who find a job, get a promotion and so forth. But sometimes I just can't take it any more. If someone came to me and said "dude i just got a promotion!" I'd be elated! Or even if someone said "man i put in 12 hours today and am beat" I'd respond with I'm sorry your job blows. But "I'm sitting on my butt watching movies at work" and my response is must be nice to have a job. And in my mind I am thinking screw you. I don't mean to be bitter but we are in an economic crisis, be glad you have a job.

Yesterday my friend Corrie wrote to me how she felt about the job hunt and I'm sure some can relate...the job hunt makes me want to rip my own organs out and lay them on the floor and then drive over them. agreed?

I promise to write a more positive blog tomorrow or very soon...

Content

I am trying to learn to be content with where we are now. My sister has often reminded me to just enjoy the engaged process and not focus so much on the countdown. While I am extremely excited about the days left until we get married, I do need to stop and enjoy what we have right now. It's not like I have the chance to be engaged again. I have tried hard to enjoy our engagement over the last few weeks despite my excitement.

Last night as Cody and I went through our "Before You Say I Do" devotional I came across a portion that was convicting for me. "What's your pace of life? Are you hurrying to get the wedding preparations in place or are you taking time to enjoy the process and having fun?" I'm kind of right in the middle...I'm not in a hurry checking items off my list, but I'm sure not enjoying the preparations and the relationship. My mind is set on whats ahead and not whats going on today.

Can't help but make me think of Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." So today I will try and commit to thinking about today and not focusing so much on my future.

So I am going to try and enjoy this a little more, I mean...I am only engaged once. Tonight we are going to be Wedding Crashers at a Faux Wedding at the Hilton in Grapevine. We will enjoy be a part of a ceremony and reception with all the perks. Free cocktails and dinner, cake and fireworks. What better way to embrace the engagement with a free date that benefits the wedding planning process? I am excited about our date!

More to come on this same devotion...the scripture used, the convictions had. Being engaged is so humbling for me.

Updates

Dear Blogging Friends...I haven't had a lot of time lately to sit and blog or have I? I still don't really have a job even though for two weeks I worked full-time. So really I have no idea where all the hours in my day are going. Okay actually I'm a bit of a nerd and have spent countless hours playing games on facebook. Don't act like you are above me for I know a good portion of you are playing the same games! Aside from that, I don't really know what to blog about these days...

So today I will just give you an update. I have now been engaged a little over a month and am enjoying the wedding planning. We will be getting married November 21st, 2009! I am more than excited about getting married to Cody and can't wait to start our life as a married couple. Thus far I have ordered my dress as well as the bridesmaid dresses, tuxes ordered, Cody's wedding band purchased, flower girls dress ordered, a few decorations purchased, verbally asked to borrow candy dishes, church booked, preacher, premarital counseling start at the end of August and I think that's it for now. Oh wait...the honeymoon is booked!!! So we are well on our way to planning our perfect little wedding.

For any wedding information please visit our wedding website http://mywedding.com/bushkitts
Sign the guestbook! Love you all!

My Heart

There are still days that I look down at my ring and get excited all over again. Even though I've bought my dress there are still moments that I can't believe it's really happening.I was never a girl that dreamed much about my wedding and what I would wear and how it would all pan out, but I have very much been a girl who has thought much about marriage.

I have always been anxious to meet my husband and have prayed over him and for him much over the last six years. There were times that I wondered if I would ever meet my husband. A couple years ago as a friend of mine struggled through the beginning of her marriage and would often say marriage wasn't worth it and I should be glad I was single. I never saw it that way though because I didn't see marriage as this wonderful all the time relationship. I knew the realistic nature of the relationship and that there would be tough times. I remember telling her then that I was excited about getting married and fighting because knowing whats on the other side makes it worth it. I realize there will be times that Cody & I aren't happy go lucky and we may fight, but I am excited to do life with him. I can't wait to be married to him!!!

There were times in my life that I honestly thought I'd meet, start dating and marry my husband all with in a years time. Who would have known it would just be nine months?

The Proposal

Friday June 26th was supposed to be game night at Jonathan's place. Cody came to pick me up at 6:30 and told me that we were going to go play a game since I always say he's not creative. We get in the car and there was a heart that read: "The Car. It all starts in the car. The car symbolizes our future. No matter how many times we argue or get irritated with each other this car will take us anywhere we want to go and Baby I am soo excited where its going to take us. Now listen to Brad Paisley "Then" and proceed to the next stop. The Church. I love you!!" I turned my ipod on to Then and enjoyed listening to our song as we drove to the church...

We arrive to the church take a nice scenic walk around the church to find the cross where the 2nd heart was hanging. The front of the heart read: "Stop 1: The Church. The church, what every Godly relationship should be based on first and foremost. From the start my goal for us has been to keep God in the forefront of our relationship. I pray that we would always give him control of anything and everything that we ever go through because I know that by trusting Him, God will get us through any obstacles we may ever face." The back of the heart read: "Task: Read these verses a loud and say a prayer for this relationship, that we may always keep God #1 in our lives. Ephesians 5:21-30; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 After completing the prayer its time to have a little fun!" I read the verses aloud and then Cody prayed for our relationship. Every time we pray it ends with a kiss and an I love you!! This is the moment that I realized what was going to happen as the scripture read, 'Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ...'We then drove off to the next destination...(no lie, I thought we might go to the fountain in Parker Square.)

We arrive at Parker Square and we grab the heart from a park bench then walk down to the fountain. After our very first date we went to this place and sat and talked for awhile so there are memories here for us. As we walked around to the other side I started to wonder if this was going to be the place that he would pop the question. Especially when he ran back to the car to get "something". But don't worry, it was just the frisbee. We sat on the bench in front of the fountain and I read the heart. "Stop 2: The Park. The park symbolizes the fun part of our relationship, one of the biggest reasons why I love you baby is because you love to have fun. Over the past 4 months we have spent a lot of time in the park doing just that, having fun! Whether it be by throwing the frisbee around or just bringing a blanket and looking at the stars. And if you think about it the park is really where we first decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend ;)." After reading the front I turned it to the back for the task, "Just have some fun. Throw the frisbee around for 10 minutes and talk about different experiences we have had at the park. After fun its time for my next favorite thing: FOOD!" (At this point my guess is we are going to a Mexican restaurant and likely to be La Hacienda Ranch unless he turned right out of the parking lot).

As soon as we hopped on 35 I knew we were headed to La Hacienda Ranch. It is by far my favorite Mexican restaurant!! I love to sit outside by the fireplace after I eat there so the next heart was tied on the side of the fireplace. Cody hadn't proposed yet and I love the fireplace and I thought maybe we'd eat there and family or friends might be there so again I thought...surely he will propose here..."Stop 3: La Hacienda Ranch. Ah La Ha, Jana's favorite place in the world to eat! It seems like since I have been dating you my diet has seen a huge increase in Mexican food. To me La Hacienda Ranch represents all of the different dates we have been on. Jana, one of my main goals in this relationship is to make you feel comfortable which ultimately leads to happiness. And what makes you more happy than La Hacienda Ranch Guacamole?? I love you baby!" The task on the back, "Order some chips and guacamole to go and take it to Game Night. After receiving your chips proceed back to your house for dessert!"

As we pull up to the house I noticed red rose petals leading up to the front porch and this is when I realized it's all about to go down. I was a little excited inside to say the least!! We walk up to the porch and there is an ice cream pint that has a heart around it that says "Open Me!" I open the pint and see a ring box so I hand it to Cody and put the lid back on. By the time I turn around Cody is on one knee. He grabs my hand and asks "Jana Lynn Bush, will you marry me?" I think I said yes...He gets up we hug, we kiss, we hug, we kiss, we hug some more and kiss some more. And then finally he places the ring on my hand...its beautiful!!! We go into the house where both of our families and my closest friends are waiting!!!

**Will post pictures later...**

I'm Engaged...

Happy Birthday Tristan!!

Today is Tristan's 1st Birthday! As I began to create the video of Tristan today tears began rolling down my cheeks as I glanced through all the photos I have of my sweet nephew. I forgot how small he was and how big he has become in the past year. He has grown so much!! I am excited for the year ahead of us, but am sad to see his first year has already passed. I made this video as a sweet reminder of the past year--I look forward to making him many more videos over the years!

I absolutely love and adore Tristan and want the best for him. Today I pray that God will protect him and provide for him. I pray that he will come to know the Lord and worship him the way that I do. I pray that he will be healthy and active. I pray that he would love the Lord more than the world. I pray that he would be the best little brother (and protective might I add). I pray that he does well in school and succeeds at everything he does. I pray that he will marry an incredible woman who is chasing after God's own heart. I pray that he will be protected from harm. I look forward to many more birthday celebrations and thank God for the past year.
I can't wait to see the little boy he will blossom into.

Loved

The job hunting process continues to be stressful and at times overwhelming, but ultimately I know God is taking care of me. I have been thoroughly encouraged and loved on by all those around me over the past few weeks. I find great comfort when my friends and family tell me that they are praying for me. Often times it's friends or family I haven't really expected to be praying for me. It truly has been such an encouragement to know that I am surrounded by prayer. It's been a great comfort for me because I know that whatever is to come will have been thoroughly prayed over by many. Thank you so much for all the prayers!!

Job Hunting Blues.

I have decided that job hunting is the most frustrating, exhausting, depressing, discouraging and spiritually trying event that has taken place in my life thus far. I am sure there are other things that suck far more than this...but seriously I hate this more than anything.

I am so tired of endlessly searching for a job. Why the crap did I waste 6 years of my life getting an education? They serve no purpose. The end.

So Proud!

I've previously mentioned how much I love Cody's family so today this post is a tribute to his sister. Carly participated in the regional qualifier for the State Track Meet last week and she did an awesome job!!! Congratulations Carly on successfully placing 1st in both the 3200 & 1600. You are such an amazing athlete!! Excited to see whats to come for you in the future!!!

To Cody...

Dearest Cody...Every day I fall more and more in love with you. After a great weekend of celebrating Mother's Day with our families I can't help but realize just how much I do love you. Enjoy this video that I made for you. I think Brad Paisley did a good job of writing the lyrics of my heart...and I thought I loved you then!

Up & Down

I am pessimist by nature and my mother is an optimist. I have tried very hard over the years to become more like her and to have a more positive outlook on life. There are times that it is much easier for me to do this. I feel very guilty as a believer when I am pessimistic because I feel like I am putting God in a box...a box He does not deserve to be put in.

Yesterday I found out a job that I was excited about starting fell through. I was back to square one and have been feeling very hopeless. I know that God will provide for me a job as well as finances in the meantime. I know that he will provide for me a roommate. I know that there is a reason it did not work out. I know that His plans are better than my own. I know that all things happen for a reason. I know that it will all work out in the end. But...

I cannot seem to help be down on myself. The natural pessimist in me has torn myself to shreds and has grown very frustrated with God. I have shaken my fist at him and cried out to Him. I have wondered what I did wrong. I have been curious to why He would put something in front of me only to take it away. I have asked numerous why questions in my head. And...

I have prayed for peace. I have prayed for comfort. I have prayer for patience. I have prayed that I would find another job. I have prayed that God would place me where he wants me to be. I have prayed for his provision. I have prayed that I would trust Him even though I don't really want to. I have prayed and prayed...I've even prayed an angry prayer. I've asked the why questions and I've thrown my fist at Him in frustration.

As I typed up all of that I caught myself in not thanking God for His provision thus far. I should be thankful that I didn't get the job because His plans are better than my own. I should be thankful that He will take care of me and He will find me a job. I should just be thankful for the needs he provides for me, that I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, clothing to wear, food to eat, clean water to drink and the list goes on and on.

These past two days have been tough and trying for me. My emotions have gone up and down as I go from having peace to being extremely frustrated. I know He will provide for me, but I can't help but worry. I know He has something else in store for me, but I can't help but wonder why this job couldn't have worked out. I grow angry with myself that I can't just trust and be at peace but that I really battle with this as a pessimist.

Thank you Lord for an optimistic mother who leaves me a message that says "sorry about that, but maybe there is something else out there. I'm like you in that I hoped this was the one, but God has something out there for you."

Thank you Lord for a loving boyfriend who wants nothing more than for me to be happy. Who brings me roses and a sweet card to let me know he loves me. Who prays over me and for me regarding the situation. I am so lucky.

Thank you Lord for a supportive family, loving boyfriend and awesome friends. I am so lucky to have a group of people covering me in prayer and encouraging me to not be the pessimist I so naturally become. I am also lucky enough to have the encouragement of Cody's family who I have grown to love as my own, thanks Lindsey, Katie & Ruth!

Enjoying His Family

One of the things that has attracted us most to one another is our love for our families. I am very close to my family and love them with all my heart. I love spending time with them and am very involved in their lives. Cody is this same way with his family.

We have not only fallen in love with one another but we have fallen in love with each others families. We both knew it was love when we saw one another with our families. He met my parents and spent some time with them and then I met his. It was those moments that made us realize just how in love with one another we were.

And now we have both come to a place where we are starting to love each others families. I love that Cody cares about my family and loves them. And I love loving his family as if they were my own family. I am blessed to be loved by his family and am glad that my family loves him.

Me & Cody after Lindsey's Bridal Shower
Grapevine Botanical Gardens

Momma Kitts & the girls...

With the sisters!!
Carly & Katie!


The Female Kitts Cousins.
Katie, Lindsey, Kelsey, Me & Carly.
Haley was hiding from the camera.

With the future Mrs. Lindsey Avery.
We've become such close friends since me & Cody started dating.
I am so lucky to call her a friend.

Jana needs...

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Go to Google.com
2. Including the quotation marks, type in “[YOUR NAME] needs” (in my case, it’s “Jana needs”)
3. Take the top 10 results and post them.

————————————————————–

1. Jana needs a home.
   
2. Jana needs to select 3 properties.
3. Jana needs your help.
4. Jana needs a 30-minute block of time to set up her equipment and do a sound check with the sound engineer at least 90 minutes before the program
5. Jana needs time.
6. Jana needs to get her @$$ back to New York.
7. Jana needs some extra educational services through school.
8. Jana needs to find that peace and soften her anger towards her Father.
9. JANA needs at least version 1.4 of Java®.
10. Jana needs to stand up for herself if she feels someone has said or done that is inappropriate or that crosses a boundary.

What's funny about this to me is that #7 and #10 because they are service plans for a mental health patient of some sort. Wow--simply amazing. This is probably only fascinating to me as a Counselor. The "Essential Life Plan" I found as #10 has been rather entertaining to read over.

He Amazes Me.

Cody treats me so well and I am seriously the luckiest girl in the world. He made sure my birthday was extra special and for that I am truly grateful. He continues to amaze me on a daily basis and I am so thankful for his blessing in my life. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. Yes, after two months I am full confident that I will be spending my life with him. I was fully confident of this after two weeks. Here are some pictures of us over the past month since I last posted.

April Fool's when we pranked our friends at the Mavs Game. We posted on facebook that we were engaged and enjoyed watching it unravel over the hours.

We visited my sister for the weekend and had a blast. Ellie was our photographer.

We spent an evening on the couch taking pictures of our emotions. I've never laughed so hard in my life...you should see his scared face. Wow.

We went to the Rangers game with Cody's cousin and her fiance'.


We celebrated my birthday several times, but this one is at La Hacienda Ranch after church last night. I absolutely love this man!!!

Happy Birthday Cody!!

Happy Birthday Cody! I love you!!

Astonished.

I have recently started dating a guy and couldn't be any happier. I am daily amazed by him and our relationship. When Cody started pursuing me I was a little scared at first since my last relationship was completely not glorifying of Christ and a little heart breaking. I wasn't treated the way I deserved to be treated, but really didn't know how I deserved to be treating. I mean I had an idea in my head of how I felt I should be treated, but I'd never been treated well. Cody has treated me far better than I could ever have imagined. He has assured me when my insecurities have come up because of the past relationship. I truly stand in awe of the way he treats me and often feel it's too good to be true. I can say I'm elated, that it is most definitely true and I can tell that Cody will never stop treating me this way. He truly is one of the greatest blessings.

He has taught me a lot about the way I deserve to be treated and not just by him, but by others as well. In high school I would have had no trouble writing someone off for treating me some way I didn't like, but now I have a hard time walking away from relationships. I have recently found myself having a hard time letting go of a friendship that has for the most part always been a one-way street. I have spent much of my time bending over backwards for this person and trying to gain the same friendship in return. I am hurting myself by trying to remain friends with this person because I am allowing them to continually disappoint me. I love this person and always will and if tomorrow they called me I'd be there for them in a heartbeat, but at the same time...I am done pursuing their friendship. If the last time I saw them was genuinely the last then so be it. I deserve a better friend than that. Am I making the wrong decision?

So while I remain completely heart broken over this friendship, I can't help but cover the heart break with the excitement and happiness that Cody brings me. I am so lucky!

I'll be raw...

When people ask me what I do I always laugh and respond with nothing. I am a substitute teacher who doesn't get enough hours to live off. I randomly dog sit as a mean to make extra money. I have recently started doing temp nanny work as well as working Kids Keepers at church. I don't know how I pay my bills or afford to spend time with my friends. God totally provides for me and I know that it's completely God that makes this work. Sometimes I wonder why this is what I do and why I can't find a full-time job. I probably am not looking hard enough and honestly really don't want to look at all. I'd much rather continue having the flexibility that I have. I want to teach next year, but until then I don't want to do anything.

I have struggled with this a lot since I graduated from college in August 2005. I have no desire to work to be absolutely honest. My heart's desire is to be married and have children at home that I am caring for. I want to be having play dates with friends and their babies. I want to meet with some girls for coffee to talk about Jesus. I want to vacuum the house and put away the dishes. I want to make sure dinner is on the table when my hubby gets home. There are days that I feel like I am living my dream just with out the husband and the kids. I rush from coffee with a friend to lunch with another friend then run to the church to fill out some paperwork then off to coffee with another friend just in time to make it home for dinner with the roommate. I love it--I love the idea of getting to just do life with people and not having to worry about a job. I feel blessed that at times I can run to the rescue of a friend who desperately needs a break from her own children.

I just wrestle with the blessing of getting to enjoy this time that I don't have a full-time job to steal all my time. I think that I am supposed to go find some job and work full-time, but I hate the idea of it. I honestly just want to do life with people and not have to worry about money at all. But the fact of the matter is I just can't keep living like this and I have to do something, but then comes the wrestle of what to do.

I have two degrees: BS in Human Development & Family Studies and a MA in Counseling. I want to teach middle school for a couple years and then do counseling, but until then...what? Nanny? Social Services? Administrative? Secretarial? I have no idea. I'd like to nanny...for the right family. I'd love a social service job...for the right organization. But where is the job that I can love to be at? Do I have to settle for something that I am going to be miserable at? Ugh. My heart is heavy. I don't want a job. I don't feel good enough to do anything. Can I be a teacher? Will I even be any good? Will I even pass the test to get certified? Do I really have to waste more money on taking a test I may fail again? Should I give up my dream to teach and just pursue Social Services? Should I go ahead and try to take my Counseling exam? Should I just say screw it and commit a year to nanny? WHAT DO I DO????????? I can't hear His voice. His he telling me what to do? Am I so far from him that I can't hear his voice? Is he letting me decide on this one? Did he hear me?

And now you know why it's 1:38am and I am blogging instead of sleeping. Now you know that my mind can't seem to slow down. I lay here in my bed listening to these lyrics over and over again..."Come, ye weary, heavy-laden, Lost and ruined by the fall;If you tarry till you’re better,
You will never come at all." I want to rest in His arms and give it all to him. I don't know how many times I've tried to lay it all at his feet only to pick it up again. But here I am again...trying my hardest to truly give it all to Jesus. I don't want it!!!!

Scripture Memory

Spiritual disciplines have been on my heart for awhile now. I think we can all be honest in saying that we could pray more or read the bible more or spend more time alone with God. I am excited to start studying the Spiritual Disciples with my sweet small group girls in about two months. I am excited about accountability groups that are starting too because then we have accountability as we start an in-depth study of the disciplines. I found this video tonight and it makes me feel pathetic for my lack of scripture memory...

Happy Birthday Ellie!

My niece is 3 today! I remember the day I found out that my sister was pregnant like it was just yesterday. I was so excited that I would soon have a niece or nephew. I began praying for her that day and will continue to pray for her throughout her life. When she was born I gave her a card with a prayer that I hope my sister will keep for her so when she is 16 she can see just how much I have loved her. I never want a day to go by that my little niece doesn't know how much I love her. I absolutely love and adore her and want the best for her. I pray that God will protect her nad provide for her. I pray that she will come to know the Lord and worship him the way that I do. I pray that she will be healthy and active. I pray that she would love the Lord more than the world. I pray that she would be the best big sister. I pray that she does well in school. I pray that she will marry an incredible man. I pray that she will be protect from harm. I look forward to many more birthday celebrations and thank God for the three years I've spent with her so far. I can't wait to see the little girl she will blossom into.

I love you so much Ellison Faith and pray God's blessings in your life!! Here's a video of her life thus far, what a blessing she has been to our family!

irresistible.

I will be the first to admit that this will be a very shallow post, but lately I've been thinking about some irresistibles. There are just certain things about males that I can't seem to resist...

A man who loves the Lord passionately
A guy who wears nice smelling cologne
A man who has a sense of style from head to toe
A guy that drives a big truck and not to make up for anything (if you know what I mean)
A guy who can play the guitar
A man with sexy calves, I know it's weird.
A guy with a nice tan and shaved legs (another weird one)
A guy that is taller than 6'1"...
A man who is chivalrous
A guy who loves his family a lot and wants to be involved in their lives

These are not a list of musts--well minus the loving the Lord passionately of course. However, these are just random things that I really find attractive.

Happy Birthday Caleb!!

Happy 6th Birthday Caleb!



It has been such a blessing to watch you grow up over the past six years. You are such an amazing little boy and I love you so much! I am proud of all that you have become!!

not about me

In small group we often remind each other "you are not that important." Maggie reads this to us from her bible often Galations 6:3 NLT "If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important." It really is a great reminder for us that our problems really just aren't that important. I often find myself sharing something in small group and about mid-way through remembering that it's not about me. For example, last night we were sharing with one another ways in which we need to be more a part of the body. I feel a strong conviction to get over myself and my fear of man and meet new people at church. Again I am reminded that it's really not about me.

Sunday night I was talking with a very dear friend of mine and he reminded me of this. He was telling me that when he's not being self-centered he's happy, but often times when it's about himself he can get struck in a rut of depression. He was reflecting on times in which he had been depressed and remembered it was just about him during those times and he was all he was thinking about. Yet when he directs his attention and his thoughts elsewhere he seems to be happy. I heard what he said and partially agreed. Then last night I laid in my bed stressed out about my current situation. I began to weep because of frustration and because of God's provision. I started to think about myself and what I wasn't experiencing and what I was missing out on. I was sulking in selfishness and honestly I became depressed. I thought about what my friend had told me and started thinking about others.

My situation is far from ideal right now and I'd really prefer not to be in it, but if I would think about someone or something bigger than myself I'd soon forget about my problems. Last night I sat in small group listening to the prayer requests of my sisters and realizing that I'd much rather pray for their needs than my own. I'd much rather see them find the job of their dreams, to see their uncles and cousins come to know the Lord, to see their family protected. I'd much rather see the homeless people we talked about with food in their tummy's and coats on their backs. I'd much rather set myself aside to make sure the person alone at church feels welcomed. If for just a minute I'd stop thinking about all my needs and wants and focus on others I'd be much happier and far more satisfied with my own life.

I have another blog all about my situation and how God's provided for me beyond measure. How much I've grown by depending on him. But today...I don't want to focus on me. It's not about me. What's your prayer requests? What stirring in your heart? Let me pray for you! Fell free to email me your prayer requests.

Trashy TV

Am I the only person that watches Desperate Housewives? If I am then I am truly ashamed of myself, but most definately won't stop watching it. Thanks for the addiction Catherine! Every week I grow frustrated with the wives, but this week I felt more frustrated with them than other weeks. You will probably all think I am out of control by the end of this blog but it got me thinking.

These women treat their husbands like absolute dirt. They all have them "whipped" and they most definately wear the pants in the home. I have grown very frustrated with Gabi, Bre and Lynette this season. I actually used to kind of like Gabi, but not at all any more. The three of them frustrate me to no end. It's actually really hard for me to watch them treat their husbands as if they are just some random man. They show them no love and the men are completely submissive to their wives. Whatever she does goes. Yet these men love these women and continue to stay in these abusive relationships. Is this the way society views women? Are we just women on power trips taking the balls away from our men? Sadly I believe this is the way that society sees women which for me is heart breaking.

Biblically speaking my role as a wife is so polar opposite of that relationship displayed each week. But unfortunately I think that there are probably some Christian women out there that do treat their husbands like dirt and totally control their every move. It just breaks my heart that any woman could treat her husband that way. To be so unappreciative of everything he does for her, to care less about how he feels about a situation and to make decisions regardless of his opinion. Each week I think I go away from the episode a little more agitated but also with more appreciation for what husbands do for their wives and how often it probably goes unnoticed. To my friends with husbands, go love on your husband tonight and tell him how much you appreciate all that he does for you and your family. Who am I kidding? I know you all do that already, but why not go do it again. What a sweet reminder it would be to know how appreciate you are. Go watch an episode and you will truly appreciate your adorable husband.

2008 Single Ladies

This is the video I made as a tribute to all my single ladies! I love you all very much and enjoyed all the fun we had in 2008. I look forward to another great year with tons more fun! I love you all very much. Now please enjoy...