Vulnerable

Being vulnerable enough to share your story with someone is rather difficult. I feel like sometimes I am just an open book and will share everything while other times I'm shut tight. Turns out I've not been as open about our struggle with those around me as I've been here behind this computer screen. I am protected as I sit here on my couch and you sit wherever you are right now...your couch, your desk, a coffee shop.

There is protection for me being apart from you. I can cry freely and don't have to hold in my emotions when you say something nice in return, I can just cry. I cry a lot and always have. But for some reason I HATE crying in front of other people. I always choke back the tears and try to stand firm in my emotions as if I am any good at it.

One thing I do know is that if I have had the courage to tell you about my pain I sure wish you'd be considerate of my feelings. I wish you'd ask me how it's going from time to time. Sometimes I think people become so crippled by heartache that they don't know how to respond.

I remember when my grandparents died my friends almost became non-existent because they didn't know what to say or how to encourage me. It hurts to grieve alone. I find this to the be the same case in this situation because people don't know how to respond so a lot of times you grieve alone. I promise it's okay to talk to me about our situation. I might cry, but that's okay. Or I might not want to talk about it and that's okay to, I will be grateful you asked. I'd much rather know you care then think you could care less.

Better or Worse?

Have you noticed that regardless of your circumstances there is always someone that has it better or worse than you? Always.

This just goes to show that if you get this thing you really want that it's not going to complete you. If you buy a new car it's only new until you drive it off the lot and then someone else has a newer car than you. If you buy the iPad it's only a matter of days before the iPad2 comes out leaving you longing for what's better. This remains true for difficult life circumstances and joyous life circumstances.

I think about how some people get cancer and survive years where others get the same thing and die quickly. Sometimes it seems that when you think about your circumstances you can't imagine how you could handle anything else as your about to burst at the seams and then you hear the prayer request of a friend and suddenly your heartache seems meaningless.

I have been in a difficult season while struggling with infertility, job frustrations (seen victory here) and with the recent news of my sister moving to Atlanta. I've cried a lot lately in regards to longing for a baby and wishing my sister wasn't moving so far away. I try to put on this happy face most of the time and mask my emotions in front of others unless they ask and then I am an open book. The emails, messages and random phone calls where someone tells me they are praying for me causes me to cry every time. It's so encouraging to know how loved I am and how prayed over we are. We are so grateful for your encouraging words and prayers!!

Monday night my family cried as they said goodbye to my sister (we will see her again at Easter) and I said I wouldn't cry and I didn't...until I got in my car alone 20 minutes later. Then I sobbed uncontrollably all the way home, but cleared my tears before walking into the house. I have since scheduled a weekend with my sister to be alone and to cherish a weekend with just us and the kids. I am going to miss her being close and those nieces and nephew of mine. I love them so much and have been such an active part of their lives. It's going to be hard to not be as active since there will be 13 hours between us instead of just 2. It's going to be hard to not be there for every birthday, baptism, recital and so forth. It's going to be difficult to not just make a day trip if I want to. It will be a challenge but I can do it. We can video chat, email, text, call and I can send cards & gifts for every special occasion. I have to say I loved this about my Aunt Nancy as a little child. Every little holiday that came, a special card was found in the mail from her. It's time I adopt this tradition and spoil those kids in a new way. I will miss convenience but am still so blessed. While my circumstances aren't better like I would have wished, they aren't exactly worse. Stories of sibling loss remind me just how lucky I am. I will miss her, but she is still just a phone call away.

I had a doctors appointment this week that left me a little scared although trusting in God allows that fear to disappear. I had a hard time telling my best friend about it as I knew what she was going through with her own daughter had far more significance. I knew I had to tell her because I wouldn't want to spring something on her if bad news came from the work done to me. I let her know, but all the while thinking that my circumstances seemed so insignificant in the light of things although to me at that time seemed difficult. Chelsey's 2-year-old daughter had blood drawn to see if she has Alper's disease. This is far more concerning than what I could have. My circumstances only seem painful to me until I am reminded of what everyone is going through. My heart aches for others and I am in prayer constantly for them. Last Christmas when Kiersten (Chelsey's daughter) was diagnosed with epilepsy I remember Chelsey saying something along the lines of "while my circumstances are so painful, I see much more heartache around me." I am reminded of this time and time again.

This also goes true for the opposite as when things do seem great there are always people who have it better. It just reminds me that while here on earth we will never be satisfied and will always long for something. We allow ourselves to fill the void of Christ with meaningless things and forget to have our focus on the cross. I would not have fears about the outcomes of my results if I put all my trust in God and rested on his promises! I long to be fulfilled in Christ!! I long to rid myself of idols that leave me empty and longing for more. My desires are for Christ and Christ alone, but I keep allowing things to step between me.