I'll be raw...

When people ask me what I do I always laugh and respond with nothing. I am a substitute teacher who doesn't get enough hours to live off. I randomly dog sit as a mean to make extra money. I have recently started doing temp nanny work as well as working Kids Keepers at church. I don't know how I pay my bills or afford to spend time with my friends. God totally provides for me and I know that it's completely God that makes this work. Sometimes I wonder why this is what I do and why I can't find a full-time job. I probably am not looking hard enough and honestly really don't want to look at all. I'd much rather continue having the flexibility that I have. I want to teach next year, but until then I don't want to do anything.

I have struggled with this a lot since I graduated from college in August 2005. I have no desire to work to be absolutely honest. My heart's desire is to be married and have children at home that I am caring for. I want to be having play dates with friends and their babies. I want to meet with some girls for coffee to talk about Jesus. I want to vacuum the house and put away the dishes. I want to make sure dinner is on the table when my hubby gets home. There are days that I feel like I am living my dream just with out the husband and the kids. I rush from coffee with a friend to lunch with another friend then run to the church to fill out some paperwork then off to coffee with another friend just in time to make it home for dinner with the roommate. I love it--I love the idea of getting to just do life with people and not having to worry about a job. I feel blessed that at times I can run to the rescue of a friend who desperately needs a break from her own children.

I just wrestle with the blessing of getting to enjoy this time that I don't have a full-time job to steal all my time. I think that I am supposed to go find some job and work full-time, but I hate the idea of it. I honestly just want to do life with people and not have to worry about money at all. But the fact of the matter is I just can't keep living like this and I have to do something, but then comes the wrestle of what to do.

I have two degrees: BS in Human Development & Family Studies and a MA in Counseling. I want to teach middle school for a couple years and then do counseling, but until then...what? Nanny? Social Services? Administrative? Secretarial? I have no idea. I'd like to nanny...for the right family. I'd love a social service job...for the right organization. But where is the job that I can love to be at? Do I have to settle for something that I am going to be miserable at? Ugh. My heart is heavy. I don't want a job. I don't feel good enough to do anything. Can I be a teacher? Will I even be any good? Will I even pass the test to get certified? Do I really have to waste more money on taking a test I may fail again? Should I give up my dream to teach and just pursue Social Services? Should I go ahead and try to take my Counseling exam? Should I just say screw it and commit a year to nanny? WHAT DO I DO????????? I can't hear His voice. His he telling me what to do? Am I so far from him that I can't hear his voice? Is he letting me decide on this one? Did he hear me?

And now you know why it's 1:38am and I am blogging instead of sleeping. Now you know that my mind can't seem to slow down. I lay here in my bed listening to these lyrics over and over again..."Come, ye weary, heavy-laden, Lost and ruined by the fall;If you tarry till you’re better,
You will never come at all." I want to rest in His arms and give it all to him. I don't know how many times I've tried to lay it all at his feet only to pick it up again. But here I am again...trying my hardest to truly give it all to Jesus. I don't want it!!!!