Here's to an incredible guy...

Last night I got sick and I've been just laying around all day. And this guy came over and brought me a blizzard instead of going to watch a movie with his friends. Now that's a great friend I have. If you take a look at that picture you can have a little glimpse at why I enjoy hanging out with him so much. Not only is he fun, but he's great to talk to. Thanks for everything Brandon, you are great!

Today I was reading my bible and ran across a passage that spoke to me. Genesis 29:31:35 “But because Leah was unloved, the LORD let her have a child, while Rachel was childless. So Leah became pregnant and had a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, ‘The LORD has noticed my misery, and now my husband will love me.’ She soon became pregnant again and had another son. She named him Simeon, for she said, ‘The LORD heard that I was unloved and has given me another son.’ Again she became pregnant and had a son. She named him Levi, for she said; ‘Surely now my husband will feel affection for me, since I have given him three sons!’ Once again she became pregnant and had a son. She named him Judah, for she said; ‘Now I will praise the LORD!’ And then she stopped having children.” So let’s look at the meaning of Leah’s son’s names:

1) Reuben- “Look a son” or “He has seen my misery”

2) Simeon- “one who hears”

3) Levi- “being attached” and “feeling affection for”

4) Judah- “praise”

God saw that Leah was miserable because her husband didn’t love her so He showed favor for her by giving her a son, in which she named “he has seen my misery”. Leah hoped that Jacob would love her more now that she had given him a son, but Jacob didn’t love her any more. The Lord gave her yet another son and still she didn’t feel loved by her husband. Then a third son was born naming him “feeling affection for” hoping that Jacob would feel affection for her, but still nothing. So God bore her another son, “praise” in which Leah finally saw that she was to praise the Lord for his blessing upon her in her misery.

I can’t help but look at women and how this situation with Leah applies to all women. I can’t help but think about how women totally believe that if they do something for a guy he will love them more. In Leah’s case she has children hoping that Jacob will favor her and love her more than he loves her sister Rachel. A lot of girls think that if they put out with a guy than he will love her more, but most of the time this is not true. So girls, be cautious of that because if a guy doesn’t love you prior to the gifts you give him he’s probably not going to love you after.

This immediately makes my mind turn to the book, Lady In Waiting, by Debby Jones & Jackie Kendall. If you are a female I really think that picking up and reading this book would be a wise decision. A line in the book I will never forget “be sensitive to your motives whenever you find yourself in the presence of ‘available men’.” Then they quote Proverbs 16:2 “All a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.” So although God blessed Leah with a son, what was Leah’s ultimate motive in that? To be loved by her husband. We as women must watch our motives and not only that but we must realize that our deepest longings can only be satisfied by God.

This summer I read a book called, Lies Women Believe, by Nancy Leigh Demoss. One of the lies was “I should not have to live with unfulfilled longings.” I quote her on this, “the deepest longings of our hearts cannot be filled by any created person or thing…every living thing is created to disappoint us.” God has made us to only be truly satisfied in Him and in no other person or thing. In looking at Leah’s story in my devotional Women of Character, Lawrence Kimbrough states “the more we place our expectations on another person, the more control we give them over our emotional and spiritual state.”

We must realize that we cannot find satisfaction in anyone but Christ or in any thing. Leah was blessed by the Lord greatly by giving her sons and a daughter and in the end she was buried next to her husband and Rachel was not. God has taught me so much through this scripture. I had another paragraph, but after much consideration I realize that too many people are going to have differeing opinions on the subject at hand and cannot handle my own interpretation of such events.

This may be a really long post, but I've got a lot on my mind. I hate when my mind starts going crazy like this at a wee hour in the night and there is no one I can call and say meet me at Daybreak I need to talk. And I just sit here, tears rolling down my cheeks trying to type to a friend as fast as I can...then I just want them to hug me but they haven't wired my computer yet to give me hugs when I need them. Stupid Dell people!

This morning Dusty talked about how God uses the good and the worst things for our good. And I'm sure I wasn't the only one in the room that when he said the worst things thought immediately of something in their life currently or recently that was bad and God made good. So I will share those points he made dealing with how God uses the worst things for our good:

1) The evil of affliction works for the good of the godly.
2)The evil of temptation is overruled for the good of the godly.
3) The evil of sin works for the good of the godly.
My personal life:
1) Affliction-Grandma's Death
2) Temptation-Lots of sin
3) Sin-allowing temptation to take place in my life

So I think to myself how is any of this good? Well I look at my life today. My Grandma dying was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with in my life. It still hurts to this day, and I miss her terriably. Two months after her death I finally could move on a little, but it still hurt. After that I just took a downword spill for the worst. I had my ups and downs, mostly ups and I was getting my life back on track but then July 2004 occured. I think I was kind of looking for a way to escape and at that time I met a guy and started an entirely different lifestyle, not one I would have ever expected of myself. For the next six months I would travel my sinful life still going to church regularly and playing the Christian role, but the relationship with God was pretty much non-existent and I had a totally different life outside of the church than I did in the church. Thanks for a great friend, Johnny I was able to realize exactly how much I had changed and while God was showing me that himself Johnny was able to tell me exactly what he had witnessed and how I use to be. I was aware of the change, but didn't really care. I remember calling my sister one night after doing something really stupid to confess and ask for her help. I told her that I enjoyed the lifestyle and didn't want to stop doing the things I was doing because I enjoyed it so much but I knew that I had to stop. But I just didn't have the strength. Then I fell again and over Christmas break I made a decision to change and around this time I made a new friend, Brandon who I talked to everyday and because of his encouragement in my life I was able to step up to the plate and get the game on. I picked up my bible this week and I haven't been able to put it down since. God is good, and God has had victory with me now. God used that bad and made it good. I have been humbled before the Lord and I am very serious about the removal of the sin from my life. Here's to changing what use to be, and starting fresh. My heart rejoices before the Lord!

Tonight after experiencing all this I decide to reread old journal entries from the time my Grandma got sick to her death. I think total it was like a seven month process, the most dreaded seven months of my life. As I'm sitting here reading my journal I catch myself singing praise songs so I decide to throw in one of my many worship albums and to my suprise its the cd with the song I heard one night leaving Daybreak after finding out bad news about my Grandma...the song called, "Unashamed Love" by Ten Shekel Shirt. These words caused me to stop still that night: " Calling me to lay aside the worries of my day. Quiet down my busy mind to find a hiding place. Worthy, worthy. Open up my heart and let my Spirit worship yours, open up my mouth and let a song of praise come forth. Worthy, you are worthy! Of a childlike faith, of my honest praise, of my unashamed love..." Talk about hitting your face and calling on the Lord. When my Uncle died in September of 2001 the song I Can Only Imagine had just started circling, I had never heard it before and my uncle had died Tuesday and I had enough strength to make it to Paradigm Thursday and I was sitting there as Justin Cofield started to sing the song, I took of running because I couldn't handle it not then. Since then that song has been very dear to my heart and when my Grandma was laying there dying my family sang that song one night and prayed for God to take her, she hang on so long though. God is good! And it's hard to say that when you are in something as painful as that, but God finally took GeeMa from this Earth and although it sucks to be here and to not have her. Oh but what a joy it is to be in Heaven dancing around singing praises to the Father...I can only imagine!

God's blessing in my life this week: This week I found out that I wouldn't be getting a paycheck till Feb. 21st which is kind of a problem because I have very little money. But I know God is faithful and I know he will provide for me as he always does. My mom calls today and tells me she is sending me my rent check early which also means a couple extra bucks in cash. And today I get a call from Kohl's, I got the job. I have training Saturday, so lets just pray I get paid for that. So Kohl's starts the end of February so I still have some time before I get that paycheck too, but eventually I will have money and I think I could use some money management skills during this time. Anyway, God is good!