Emily's 1st Christmas

Emily's 1st Christmas was wonderful! We are so blessed to be given such a sweet gift this Christmas. Our little girl was more than enough for me!

I was a little nervous to visit Santa because of the germs, but decided I just had to. We got up early on a Sunday morning & headed to Bass Pro Shop to get our picture. I handed her over in her blanket so he didn't touch her. We all survived!!

Here is me & Emily on her small little family Christmas.

I'm reading her the book we got her for Christmas, I Love You Through and Through.

Here is a great picture that shows just how our photo shoot of the cousins went. I think we got a half way decent photo, but for the most part they are full of chaos!

My nieces & nephew just adored Emily. It was so sweet to see how caught up in her they were. This moment was such a special moment for me.

Christmas morning we all headed to church. All of the girls wore matching dresses so this was our attempt to get a cousin picture yet again!

Christmas morning dress!! :)

Our little family...

Little Santa baby!

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!!

Nursing Blues

Before having Emily if I were asked if I was going to breastfeed I would have said, "yes as long as it works out for us." I didn't know why it wouldn't work out, but knew several friends had said it just didn't work out. I didn't realize it could be challenging since after all it is "natural".

Let's just be honest in saying had I known what I do now I think things would have gone a lot differently which is why I am writing this post. I write this so that if there is someone like myself out there looking for hope or wanting to figure things out they can find it here.

Right after Emily was born I was able to hold her for a few minutes before they decided they were concerned about her grunting & the fact that she didn't let out a big wail (to clear her lungs) so they whisked her off to the NICU. Had I known what I do now...I would have made sure in those couple minutes I had with her that I attempted to breastfeed for the first time. Unfortunately I didn't get that chance so it wasn't until 6 hours later that I would for the first time breastfeed my baby. And can I just say that they gave her a bottle during those 6 hours away which I really wish wouldn't have been done. They said she needed it because her blood sugar was low, but from everything I've learned now her blood sugar was actually fairly normal for a newborn & I could have supplemented at the breast allowing her to familiarize herself with that region. Again...had I known what I do now.

The day the lactation consultant came to my room I had visitors & so she she briefly gave me a run down and left. Had I known what I do now I would have told my visitors to leave.

We headed home & I thought things were going great. We went to our first pediatricians appointment and Emily had lost too much weight. At birth she was 8 lbs 2 oz, at discharge she was 7 lbs 11 oz & at our appointment she was 7 lbs 5 oz. The pediatrician was nervous that she had lost too much weight and wanted me to supplement 10 cc's after every feeding. Had I known what I know now I would have known she hadn't lost too much weight & was fine. I would have disregarded my pediatrician & kept trying to nurse her more frequently to help with the weight gain. After starting to supplement the 10 cc's Emily hated to nurse so I scheduled an appointment with the lactation consultant at the doctor's office. Emily wouldn't nurse because she wasn't hungry so we didn't get a lot of help. She gave me a device to to supplement with at the breast since the pediatrician hadn't done so. Things got worse not better. We went in for another weight check & Emily had lost again and weighed in at 7 lbs 1 oz so I was then instructed to supplement 1 oz after every feeding. Supplementing that much at the breast with the device given to us was an absolute pain in the rump. I had two hands full & had to always have my mom or husband assist. It quickly became easier to just give her the supplemented amount via a bottle. Before I knew it she hated nursing & so did I. Most feeds ended with both off us crying, but she had gained!! :0) After she gained weight it was back to breastfeeding except she wouldn't so I had to give her formula or she would have screamed at the top of her lungs. I couldn't give her what she wanted fast enough & this is when I realized my supply was low. (Had I known what I do now my supply would have never got low).

I realized I still needed help so I got information on another lactation consultant. I emailed back & forth with her but she wasn't a lot of help. Really just kind of helped me learn how to increase my supply via pumping which wasn't working out too well either. So I was trying hard to at least pump breastmilk for Emily, but couldn't keep up with her feedings. I was only able to provide her with 2-3 feeds a day & the rest had to be formula. I read up & talked with friends and found out about a herb called fenugreek so I started it right away. After 48 hours it hadn't been working & my supply was remaining the same. Nothing seemed to help!

I got a hold of yet another lactation consultant one that came highly recommended. I was greatly encouraged after hanging up the phone with her, but it would be several days before we could meet because the holiday weekend had occurred. I was supposed to meet with her when she returned, but we couldn't get our schedules to work out until a full week later. She encouraged me to take more fenugreek & get a hold of Mother's Milk Plus. My supply still remained low & nothing seemed to be changing. Emily sometimes nursed & other times refused. We did what we could. The time to meet her finally came & things went well. Emily latched well & got 1.5 ounces from me. So the consultant showed me an easier way to supplement at the breast so that she would be increasing my milk supply as she supplemented. She received her extra 1.5 ounces this way. The next feed came & it wasn't as easy as I thought. And it seemed as though each feed after that only got worse. It was very evident from my conversation with her that a lot had gone wrong from the very beginning which is why I was having so much difficulty. She had hope for me, but I was left feeling pretty hopeless still. But I wanted to persevere.

With all that said, had I known then what I know now...

I would have nursed Emily from the start. I would have refused her to be given a bottle in the NICU. I would have met with the lactation consultant at the hospital. I would have refused the first recommendation to give her 10cc's after each feed. I would have met with a lactation consultant then to help increase my supply to help her gain. When recommended to start giving her even more formula I would have rented a hospital grade pump to increase & help keep up with my supply. And had I met with those lactation consultants early on I would have had an increased milk supply & likely things would have worked out a lot better.

My encouragement to you if you are struggling with nursing is to seek help right away!! There are so many resources & if you are cheap like me don't be because the money is worth the investment. Read as much as you can so you can be ready! Every book or blog I read said the funny things about breastfeeding is it isn't as natural as you would think. Almost every mom I talked to told me how hard it was. Had I known all of that before this started I think things would have gone differently.

So today I am throwing in the towel. After 3 1/2 weeks of giving it all I got it's time for me to stop. The stress it's causing me & Emily is making it not worth it. She is much happier taking a bottle & therefore I am much happier when she is taking that bottle. It's hard because I wanted to be able to provide for her in this way, but it just didn't work out for us. To think before she was born I didn't even care about nursing & now I long for it. I prayed day in and day out that things would click. I prayed often that my supply would increase. I will continue too pump for as long as I can, but for us the bottle is the way to go. I am so thankful to those who have prayed with me & for me along this journey. I am also extremely thankful for those who have encouraged me when it's been tough especially during those late night hours. I am thankful for those who told me I was still a good mom even if I didn't breastfeed. I am blessed beyond measure for each & everyone of you who has walked with me in this journey. Thank you for all your kind words & your prayers! Now my hope is that God will bless me with my second child & I will get to nurse them. But for now...me & Emily will just enjoy bonding over a bottle & some snuggle time! :)