so going with the sermon i shared last time...do you ever just feel so lonesome that you could cry? i find it rather amusing that in all the friends that i "have" i often find myself so lonesome that i could cry. sometimes i think it's because its a sat. night and i have no one to hang out with so therefore i am lonesome but even when i am with friends i still feel lonesome. and its because i am lacking with God, my relationship with Him is nowhere close to where it needs to be. i'm so lost that i don't even know how to find my way back. its almost easier to linger on this path that i've been on for so long. torn between two worlds, not knowing which one i really belong to. to think that in one world i feel more loved and actually enjoy life a little more when in the other i feel so lost and alone. which really it should feel the complete opposite. i stand here so broken inside and with no one to talk to, which is definately a good thing because it teaches me that i can't rely on my friends and that i must fall on my knees and let the one person i know will never stop loving me hold me in his arms tonight. man i'm so lonesome i could cry.

so this weekend i went to see my sister in tyler and i had a really good time. friday was a bit rough at the start of the day. my flight was to leave at 6am so I needed to be to the airport by 530 no later. luckily i had this amazing friend, jeff that volunteered to take me to the airport so i was suppose to call him at 430 to wake him up. well i decided at about midnight that i would go ahead and just stay awake all night b/c 4 hrs. would be worthless to me anyway. i got most stuff packed then i headed to walmart with marissa so she could keep me awake. sadly the night before i couldn't fall asleep so i only had 4 hrs. of sleep so by 2am I was ridiculous tired. i got home at about 230 and decided i should take an hour nap. i do this all the time when i am studying and i just leave my light and tv on so that i can't get good sleep. i set 3 or 4 alarms and figured i would wake up...greatest fear is missing my flight. well so i fall asleep and 545 rolls around and my phone rings and i recognize the spanish fiesta as jeffs ring so i jump out of bed and look at the clock. its 545 and i'm definately not going to make my flight. i start freaking out immediately, i hang up with jeff and call my mom in a panic. she seems calm and its okay that i missed my flight she doesnt hate me like i thought she would. so she calls southwest and they tell her that i need to get up there as soon as i can to try to catch the next flight on stand by. so i get dressed in a hurry and finish packing my suitcase i call jeff back and he says he'll still take me. so i get in my car to go over to his house and my anxiety kicks in hard core. i start crying and shaking, i am officially really stressed out. i called my mom and she calmed me down just in time for me to arrive at jeff's. jeff gets in the car and we head to the airport. i sit at the airport till 8 praying that i can make a flight. they suggest i fly to new mexico and then to dallas because i'll be guaranteed a flight from nm back to tx. well i figure might as well try b/c all the dallas flights are sold out b/c of the game. plane is loaded and i am praying pretty hardcore and yay i make the call...i get to fly into new mexico. wow they have mountains...i am jealous. so i should have been in dallas by 7am, but i got there at 11 instead. made it to tyler by 1 so i ate lunch then went to my hair appointment. after that my day turned around. i had a great time this weekend, hanging out with my sister and mommy is always fun. me & my sister got this sisters scrapbook and we did some of it this weekend so we talked about a lot of memories and things we love about each other and stuff, that was really cool. we played a lot of games as we always do. we played frisbee one night which really made me miss playing . she has an amazing dog so that made me want a dog really bad. monday we left right after lunch so we could go shopping and so that i could meet liz for dinner. we ate at this place called buca de geppo or something to that nature and it was amazing. then we headed to cheesecake factory to get some cheesecake...its mine & liz's favorite. i got to the airport a little early which is good because there was trouble with my tickets because of fridays disaster. but then it ended up not mattering and i had to wait for my flight for an hour and a half because well it of course had to be off schedule. flight was really good though, i sat between two people that were really friendly. and at the airport i ran into a girl i use to be in youth group with 4yrs. ago, she decided to come to tech. so needless to say i had a pretty good weekend although i thought it would be a disaster all because friday morning.

so sunday i went to church with my sister and their pastor is pretty amazing. before church even went around my sister was telling me that he is doing a country music theme this month and this weeks title was "I'm so lonesome I could cry" and I thought what a perfect weekend for me to come visit. his sermon was great and he does all this stuff that really keeps your attention and he's way funny too. So the passage was on John 16:28-33 where Jesus talks about overcoming the world and returning to the Father. So I am just gonna share with you what I learned.
I. You can be lonesome even in a crowd.
1. Caused by a mobilized culture.
-we're in the culture in which you have places to be all the time that sometimes you forget to stop and say hey to people and so we just become a lost face in a crowd.
2. Caused by a despersonalized culture.
- you are no longer a person, you become just another number
II. You can be alone and not be lonely.
1. Solitude is not loneliness.
-solitude is a time for spiritual renewal and it's something we need. We need a time to be alone with God as did Jesus...
-Mark 1:35 "Very early in the morning, white it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went to a solitary place, where he prayed."
2. God's presence is real and personal.
-Hebrews 13:5 "never will i leave you, never will i forsake you"
-Pslams 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
-John 16:32 "You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me."
(he mentioned a story of a little boy who was scared when in his bed at night and yelled out to his father "daddy i am scared" and his daddy yelled back "don't be scared God is in there with you" and the boy was silent for a little while then he yelled "daddy i need someone with flesh" the story reminded me of my own life because there are so many times when i realize that God is all i have and i just wanna yell out "i need someone with flesh" but i must remember God is truly the only one that can make that loneliness go away)
3. You can conquer lonliness by reaching out to others.
-Proverbs 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother."
(because I am psych minor, the other day i was listening to a lecture and my prof said that once we have so many friends we have the tendency to stop allowing more relationships to enter our life till we loose a friend then we look for someone to replace that person and as a Christian we should try to overcome that silly cycle and we should always be looking for another person we can be friends with. there are so many people out there that are lonely and just need someone to love on them and who better than a christian who can share with them how God can make you not so lonely.)

So that was the sermon, I thought it was great. Another thing that got brought up was how the only time Jesus was alone was when he was dying for our sins and God had to turn away from him and let him take upon all of our sin. I had never heard it put this way before but the entire reason Jesus was with out God was because he actually had to go to hell to take on all of our sin and God couldn't go with him. Thats why he said "why have you forsaken me" it wasnt just because God didn't remove him from the cross but because he actually took my sin for me. That kind of makes my outlook on the entire thing way different. I mean seriously God loves me so stinking much...amazing!