I've been really struggling lately and not just with the baby thing. While that continues to remain painful there are some other things going on in my life. I kind of wonder if the baby thing is affecting other areas of my life a little bit too. So if you would just pray for me in all of these areas the other two of which I can't really mention yet, but will soon.
Today I am resting in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
I am in love with the song Desert Song by Hillsong. The first time I heard it was at church and our Pastors wife was the one singing the song. Our pastor had a seizure on Thanksgiving day in 2009 and soon found out he had brain cancer. There has been much healing in his life since this day, but the first time I heard this song I saw the joy in Lauren's worship that day.
Today I was listening to this song at work and loved the lyrics even more today. So meaningful. My boss walked by and shared with me the story behind the song. Check out her story, it is so powerful.
I sit here in awe & in worship of my Lord & Savior today.
Verse 1: This is my prayer in the desert And all that's within me feels dry This is my prayer in the hunger in me My God is a God who provides
Verse 2: And this is my prayer in the fire In weakness or trial or pain There is a faith proved Of more worth than gold So refine me Lord through the flames
Chorus: And I will bring praise I will bring praise No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice I will declare God is my victory and He is here
Verse 3: And this is my prayer in the battle And triumph is still on it's way I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ So firm on His promise I'll stand
Bridge: All of my life In every season You are still God I have a reason to sing I have a reason to worship
Verse 4: This is my prayer in the harvest When favor and providence flow I know I'm filled to be empited again The seed I've recieved I will sow
A week later, another sermon and another conviction.
We were very lucky to have JR Vassar from Apostles Church in New York preach at our church today. I very much needed to hear this sermon. I have been very discontent lately especially at work. I've had a very heavy heart for awhile now.
Hyperreality, an exaggerated life, an embellished vision of life. Defined on wikipedia as a means to characterize the way consciousness defines what is actually "real" in a world where a multitude of media can radically shape and filter an original event or experience. Vassar talked about how we buy into a cultural standard of something. For women it is often a cultural standard of beauty.
I recall a friend of mine from college speaking on this issue as he told us just what he could make our bodies looking like after a few hours of editing. And to think that we focus on those images when we choose what we would like to look like and they aren't even real. Beyond this I could bet to say that women probably also have a hyperreality as to what they think their lives should look like. I know for me it's to have children and to be a stay-at-home mom. I think this has a lot to do with my current discontentment.
I so desire to be a mother and really didn't imagine it to take this long. When we started trying I actually saw myself leaving my job close to my year anniversary at the place I currently work. I do love my job and am so grateful for it, but I am most definitely longing for something else. I am longing to be a mother.
Vassar said something that really struck me today, "we live in a constant state of I will be happy when..." I relate to this. I don't know how often I have thought what will make me happy. I will be happy when I get married. I will be happy when I get a new car. I will be happy when we have our first kid. I will be happy when I have a job I love. I will be happy when I buy this outfit. I will be happy when...
The truth of the matter is nothing seems to ever satisfy me, I am always discontent. I have traded contentment for consumerism. I have chosen myself over Christ. I have chosen to be satisfied by my own sinful desires and not those of Christ Jesus, my Lord & Savior. He is indeed working all things together for His good. I need to be in covenant with Christ and not longing for something else to feed my needs.
