Vulnerable

Being vulnerable enough to share your story with someone is rather difficult. I feel like sometimes I am just an open book and will share everything while other times I'm shut tight. Turns out I've not been as open about our struggle with those around me as I've been here behind this computer screen. I am protected as I sit here on my couch and you sit wherever you are right now...your couch, your desk, a coffee shop.

There is protection for me being apart from you. I can cry freely and don't have to hold in my emotions when you say something nice in return, I can just cry. I cry a lot and always have. But for some reason I HATE crying in front of other people. I always choke back the tears and try to stand firm in my emotions as if I am any good at it.

One thing I do know is that if I have had the courage to tell you about my pain I sure wish you'd be considerate of my feelings. I wish you'd ask me how it's going from time to time. Sometimes I think people become so crippled by heartache that they don't know how to respond.

I remember when my grandparents died my friends almost became non-existent because they didn't know what to say or how to encourage me. It hurts to grieve alone. I find this to the be the same case in this situation because people don't know how to respond so a lot of times you grieve alone. I promise it's okay to talk to me about our situation. I might cry, but that's okay. Or I might not want to talk about it and that's okay to, I will be grateful you asked. I'd much rather know you care then think you could care less.

Struggle to Connect

Having a hard time lately struggling to connect or relate with anyone. I feel like we are struck in the middle between single friends and married with children. We've got a ton of single friends who we adore, but we are in different life stages. So we choose to only spend so much time with them as we need to be developing relationships with other married couples, but then we run into the problem of all our married friends having children or children on the way.

It's getting hard to spend a lot of time with people who have children because all they talk about is their children. I long so much to be a mother! There is part of me that feels so completely sinful that I can't just be content with my circumstances as if longing to be a mother is a bad thing. I get angry with myself when I am sad because others have children to talk about, but at the same time I think I need to protect my heart a little. I feel so struck with how I feel and the emotions involved in this process.

I have to say I am blessed because I have met a few people who I can talk to about this struggle who understand my struggle and have been there. God has been very good to me in this area and I am so thankful for those friendships.

Facebook Hiatus

It's time I take another break from facebook but this time for longer. If you need me then I am pretty sure you can find me...

It's getting hard for me to be on facebook because literally every time I log on I see another pregnancy announcement or perhaps even another baby is born. While I am happy for all of my friends, my heart can't take any more news. So since I can control the amount I take in from facebook I will be away for some time. I cannot control the zillions of belly bumps I see in the mall or the conversations I hear behind me in line about pregnancy etc. I hate that I feel like this and that I really need a break because it hurts to hear the news, but it's just the truth and I am just being honest with you. Not to mention the break would be good for many other reasons.

Continue to pray for us as we desire to become parents!

When talking about your kids...

I am reading the book Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. Honestly, if we are close or if you know anyone going through infertility or loss challenges then you should pick up this great book. At the end of each chapter she has a section called 'Burden Bearers' which is specifically written for you and not the one struggling.

In the first chapter she made a great suggestion that everyone should learn from:

"When you are meeting someone new, don't start your conversation with 'So, do you have any kids?' While innocent enough, such questions can make me feel like a dear caught in your headlights. Instead try something open-ended such as 'Tell me a bit about yourself.' Anyone in a less-than-ideal life circumstance (unfulfilled desires for a spouse, unemployed, and so on) will appreciate such an approach."

I know that for certain our struggle has taught me to be cautious about how I say things or how often I brag or complain about my life circumstances. I am especially trying to be cautious about my marriage as I still have several friends who long to be married. While they are very happy for me, the last thing I want to do is talk about my marriage all the time.

So I guess today I want to share a burden bearer with you from my own perspective. For all I know, this might be one Jennifer shares later on in the book but I'm only at Chapter 4. So what I want to share with you is...

If I say to you that I want children please do not tell me that I can have yours if I want since they are driving you crazy. I will gladly take your kids and you can trade me for my circumstances, that's fine by me. I'd love to take your kids as my own. While I don't at all doubt that your kids are driving you crazy and you could use a date night or a break from your kids, your small little phrase makes a bottle of emotions explode within me. Please kindly say I love my kids and I hope you can experience the joy of parenthood soon. But please refrain from ever discouraging someone from having kids who says they want to have kids. If you are really needing a break then I would be happy to watch your kids for you so you can have a date night, but I can guarantee you don't really want to give up your kids. However, if you do we can surely arrange something.

Desert Song

I am in love with the song Desert Song by Hillsong. The first time I heard it was at church and our Pastors wife was the one singing the song. Our pastor had a seizure on Thanksgiving day in 2009 and soon found out he had brain cancer. There has been much healing in his life since this day, but the first time I heard this song I saw the joy in Lauren's worship that day.

Today I was listening to this song at work and loved the lyrics even more today. So meaningful. My boss walked by and shared with me the story behind the song. Check out her story, it is so powerful.

I sit here in awe & in worship of my Lord & Savior today.

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

I Will Be Happy When...

A week later, another sermon and another conviction.

We were very lucky to have JR Vassar from Apostles Church in New York preach at our church today. I very much needed to hear this sermon. I have been very discontent lately especially at work. I've had a very heavy heart for awhile now.

Hyperreality, an exaggerated life, an embellished vision of life. Defined on wikipedia as a means to characterize the way consciousness defines what is actually "real" in a world where a multitude of media can radically shape and filter an original event or experience. Vassar talked about how we buy into a cultural standard of something. For women it is often a cultural standard of beauty.

I recall a friend of mine from college speaking on this issue as he told us just what he could make our bodies looking like after a few hours of editing. And to think that we focus on those images when we choose what we would like to look like and they aren't even real. Beyond this I could bet to say that women probably also have a hyperreality as to what they think their lives should look like. I know for me it's to have children and to be a stay-at-home mom. I think this has a lot to do with my current discontentment.

I so desire to be a mother and really didn't imagine it to take this long. When we started trying I actually saw myself leaving my job close to my year anniversary at the place I currently work. I do love my job and am so grateful for it, but I am most definitely longing for something else. I am longing to be a mother.

Vassar said something that really struck me today, "we live in a constant state of I will be happy when..." I relate to this. I don't know how often I have thought what will make me happy. I will be happy when I get married. I will be happy when I get a new car. I will be happy when we have our first kid. I will be happy when I have a job I love. I will be happy when I buy this outfit. I will be happy when...

The truth of the matter is nothing seems to ever satisfy me, I am always discontent. I have traded contentment for consumerism. I have chosen myself over Christ. I have chosen to be satisfied by my own sinful desires and not those of Christ Jesus, my Lord & Savior. He is indeed working all things together for His good. I need to be in covenant with Christ and not longing for something else to feed my needs.

Not my will, but your will be done.

The Past Week

This week was a very tough one for me and started with many tears. Last Saturday night I was in my craft room with tears streaming down my cheeks. I requested Cody let me have some time to myself so I could process my emotions.

He meant well when he said something to the extent of we would get pregnant sometime. I lost it. I told him not to promise me something that God might not have for us. The truth is...God might not want us to bear our own children. And I am fine with that. I have a heart for adoption. And while these things are true there is still something about not having our own. I am ready to accept it and completely not able to accept it all at the same time. I think part of it is that I don't really foresee adoption to be able to take place in our lives for a while longer and I am very ready to be a mom. It's been a longing of mines for years and years now. And now I finally have the daddy to help fulfill that longing. Grateful to God for this man too!

So last Saturday night I listening to worship music and reflected on God's truth. I basked in his promises and his love for me. I so enjoyed sobbing in that room & worshiping the Creator that night. And then just before bed Cody & I decided to read Nahum, a random choice for us. And that night before bed I really reflected on Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him."

My heart remained heavy in the following days and then Tuesday night I discovered that a couple we knew had become pregnant and had not really been trying. Like I said in my previous post, some have been harder to take than others. This was one of those that sent me into a burst of emotions. This is the one that had me decide it was time we shared our journey with our parents so they could join us in prayer. We had sought prayer and comfort from close friends in our home group and friends in the same struggle, but beyond that had kept much to ourselves.

God blessed me with a snow day on Wednesday which was good because I was able to really reflect on everything. I was able to concentrate on some scriptures and really pray that day. I was able to talk to a dear friend about my struggles, one all to familiar for her. Like I said, God is good in blessing me with this day. It is just what I needed.

God pressed on my heart the following verses this day that I will continue to reflect on.

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.
Psalms 27:14

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord! O Lord, hear my voice! Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy! I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope.
Psalm 130:1-2,5

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.
Isaiah 30:18

And tonight after reading through this interview of Lauren Chandler and reading the scriptures she listed as those that spoke the most profoundly to her through this past year I discovered another great one for me to reflect on.

It is well with the man who deals generously and lends; who conducts his affairs with justice. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.
Psalm 112:6-8

Tough Subject.

I am writing today because I have decided to blog about the journey Cody & I are on. I have struggled for a while about sharing this with too many people and especially blogging about it, but have decided that I really want to do this. I have found much encouragement in the past week from a few of my friends blogs who experienced the same thing. For now, our blog will remain private and this is a way to keep our families informed and for me to express myself the way I do best, through writing.

9 months ago we made the decision to start trying to conceive. We had already not been preventing anything for the 3 months prior to that. I had hoped and thought that it would happen in about 3-6 months, why I don't really know. As you can see, that is not the plan that God had for us which at times is rather difficult for me to understand.

I have watched couple after couple get pregnant in this time period. Some have been much harder to process than others. It is difficult knowing that many who started trying around when we did will be welcoming their bundle of joy in the next month or two. I don’t know why I thought I deserved to get pregnant quickly, but I had it in my head that it wouldn’t take long for us. Now, 9 months later, it’s become a very heartbreaking thing for me. While we have not yet been coined “infertile” since that does not happen until after a year, I can’t help but let my mind wander down that road. I want to live in God's will but sometimes I really wish his plans were my plans. As if I know what's best for myself, we've seen how that works out and it's not good.

I am thankful for this time because I know that that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. I know that we are in this season for a reason and though it is very difficult at times, I am excited to see what God is teaching us. Yes, I am hoping that we will be on the other side of this sooner than later but ultimately I know that God works all things together for his good. So please join us in praying for our future and our children. I will be very raw in my blogging so at times you will probably see deep frustration and sadness, but know in it all I know that we are deeply loved by our father!