The Past Week

This week was a very tough one for me and started with many tears. Last Saturday night I was in my craft room with tears streaming down my cheeks. I requested Cody let me have some time to myself so I could process my emotions.

He meant well when he said something to the extent of we would get pregnant sometime. I lost it. I told him not to promise me something that God might not have for us. The truth is...God might not want us to bear our own children. And I am fine with that. I have a heart for adoption. And while these things are true there is still something about not having our own. I am ready to accept it and completely not able to accept it all at the same time. I think part of it is that I don't really foresee adoption to be able to take place in our lives for a while longer and I am very ready to be a mom. It's been a longing of mines for years and years now. And now I finally have the daddy to help fulfill that longing. Grateful to God for this man too!

So last Saturday night I listening to worship music and reflected on God's truth. I basked in his promises and his love for me. I so enjoyed sobbing in that room & worshiping the Creator that night. And then just before bed Cody & I decided to read Nahum, a random choice for us. And that night before bed I really reflected on Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him."

My heart remained heavy in the following days and then Tuesday night I discovered that a couple we knew had become pregnant and had not really been trying. Like I said in my previous post, some have been harder to take than others. This was one of those that sent me into a burst of emotions. This is the one that had me decide it was time we shared our journey with our parents so they could join us in prayer. We had sought prayer and comfort from close friends in our home group and friends in the same struggle, but beyond that had kept much to ourselves.

God blessed me with a snow day on Wednesday which was good because I was able to really reflect on everything. I was able to concentrate on some scriptures and really pray that day. I was able to talk to a dear friend about my struggles, one all to familiar for her. Like I said, God is good in blessing me with this day. It is just what I needed.

God pressed on my heart the following verses this day that I will continue to reflect on.

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.
Psalms 27:14

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord! O Lord, hear my voice! Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy! I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope.
Psalm 130:1-2,5

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.
Isaiah 30:18

And tonight after reading through this interview of Lauren Chandler and reading the scriptures she listed as those that spoke the most profoundly to her through this past year I discovered another great one for me to reflect on.

It is well with the man who deals generously and lends; who conducts his affairs with justice. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.
Psalm 112:6-8

Tough Subject.

I am writing today because I have decided to blog about the journey Cody & I are on. I have struggled for a while about sharing this with too many people and especially blogging about it, but have decided that I really want to do this. I have found much encouragement in the past week from a few of my friends blogs who experienced the same thing. For now, our blog will remain private and this is a way to keep our families informed and for me to express myself the way I do best, through writing.

9 months ago we made the decision to start trying to conceive. We had already not been preventing anything for the 3 months prior to that. I had hoped and thought that it would happen in about 3-6 months, why I don't really know. As you can see, that is not the plan that God had for us which at times is rather difficult for me to understand.

I have watched couple after couple get pregnant in this time period. Some have been much harder to process than others. It is difficult knowing that many who started trying around when we did will be welcoming their bundle of joy in the next month or two. I don’t know why I thought I deserved to get pregnant quickly, but I had it in my head that it wouldn’t take long for us. Now, 9 months later, it’s become a very heartbreaking thing for me. While we have not yet been coined “infertile” since that does not happen until after a year, I can’t help but let my mind wander down that road. I want to live in God's will but sometimes I really wish his plans were my plans. As if I know what's best for myself, we've seen how that works out and it's not good.

I am thankful for this time because I know that that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. I know that we are in this season for a reason and though it is very difficult at times, I am excited to see what God is teaching us. Yes, I am hoping that we will be on the other side of this sooner than later but ultimately I know that God works all things together for his good. So please join us in praying for our future and our children. I will be very raw in my blogging so at times you will probably see deep frustration and sadness, but know in it all I know that we are deeply loved by our father!