The Kitts

This may be a really long post, but I've got a lot on my mind. I hate when my mind starts going crazy like this at a wee hour in the night and there is no one I can call and say meet me at Daybreak I need to talk. And I just sit here, tears rolling down my cheeks trying to type to a friend as fast as I can...then I just want them to hug me but they haven't wired my computer yet to give me hugs when I need them. Stupid Dell people!

This morning Dusty talked about how God uses the good and the worst things for our good. And I'm sure I wasn't the only one in the room that when he said the worst things thought immediately of something in their life currently or recently that was bad and God made good. So I will share those points he made dealing with how God uses the worst things for our good:

1) The evil of affliction works for the good of the godly.
2)The evil of temptation is overruled for the good of the godly.
3) The evil of sin works for the good of the godly.
My personal life:
1) Affliction-Grandma's Death
2) Temptation-Lots of sin
3) Sin-allowing temptation to take place in my life

So I think to myself how is any of this good? Well I look at my life today. My Grandma dying was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with in my life. It still hurts to this day, and I miss her terriably. Two months after her death I finally could move on a little, but it still hurt. After that I just took a downword spill for the worst. I had my ups and downs, mostly ups and I was getting my life back on track but then July 2004 occured. I think I was kind of looking for a way to escape and at that time I met a guy and started an entirely different lifestyle, not one I would have ever expected of myself. For the next six months I would travel my sinful life still going to church regularly and playing the Christian role, but the relationship with God was pretty much non-existent and I had a totally different life outside of the church than I did in the church. Thanks for a great friend, Johnny I was able to realize exactly how much I had changed and while God was showing me that himself Johnny was able to tell me exactly what he had witnessed and how I use to be. I was aware of the change, but didn't really care. I remember calling my sister one night after doing something really stupid to confess and ask for her help. I told her that I enjoyed the lifestyle and didn't want to stop doing the things I was doing because I enjoyed it so much but I knew that I had to stop. But I just didn't have the strength. Then I fell again and over Christmas break I made a decision to change and around this time I made a new friend, Brandon who I talked to everyday and because of his encouragement in my life I was able to step up to the plate and get the game on. I picked up my bible this week and I haven't been able to put it down since. God is good, and God has had victory with me now. God used that bad and made it good. I have been humbled before the Lord and I am very serious about the removal of the sin from my life. Here's to changing what use to be, and starting fresh. My heart rejoices before the Lord!

Tonight after experiencing all this I decide to reread old journal entries from the time my Grandma got sick to her death. I think total it was like a seven month process, the most dreaded seven months of my life. As I'm sitting here reading my journal I catch myself singing praise songs so I decide to throw in one of my many worship albums and to my suprise its the cd with the song I heard one night leaving Daybreak after finding out bad news about my Grandma...the song called, "Unashamed Love" by Ten Shekel Shirt. These words caused me to stop still that night: " Calling me to lay aside the worries of my day. Quiet down my busy mind to find a hiding place. Worthy, worthy. Open up my heart and let my Spirit worship yours, open up my mouth and let a song of praise come forth. Worthy, you are worthy! Of a childlike faith, of my honest praise, of my unashamed love..." Talk about hitting your face and calling on the Lord. When my Uncle died in September of 2001 the song I Can Only Imagine had just started circling, I had never heard it before and my uncle had died Tuesday and I had enough strength to make it to Paradigm Thursday and I was sitting there as Justin Cofield started to sing the song, I took of running because I couldn't handle it not then. Since then that song has been very dear to my heart and when my Grandma was laying there dying my family sang that song one night and prayed for God to take her, she hang on so long though. God is good! And it's hard to say that when you are in something as painful as that, but God finally took GeeMa from this Earth and although it sucks to be here and to not have her. Oh but what a joy it is to be in Heaven dancing around singing praises to the Father...I can only imagine!

God's blessing in my life this week: This week I found out that I wouldn't be getting a paycheck till Feb. 21st which is kind of a problem because I have very little money. But I know God is faithful and I know he will provide for me as he always does. My mom calls today and tells me she is sending me my rent check early which also means a couple extra bucks in cash. And today I get a call from Kohl's, I got the job. I have training Saturday, so lets just pray I get paid for that. So Kohl's starts the end of February so I still have some time before I get that paycheck too, but eventually I will have money and I think I could use some money management skills during this time. Anyway, God is good!