The Faithless

Sometimes I feel like I'm the faithless while other times I feel so full of faith. When I'm going through a hard time I always rely on the Lord for strength and provision. But there comes a time when my faith begins to weaken and I begin to become faithless. I will consistently pray for something and I grow frustrated with God as He continues to not answer my prayer. The time that this is hardest for me is when there is a time frame that I really need the prayer answered in. A good example of this would be when I was praying for my practicum site for school. I should have started my practicum back at the beginning of January and here it is the end of February and I have yet to start. I become desperate and pray harder, but with no response I grow angry at the Lord and wonder if I've managed to lose my connection with Him. Maybe I'm not praying at all, even worse maybe I'm not even a Christian. The thoughts consume my mind and I grow even more frustrated. I see the people around me having their prayers answered instantly and I wonder what's wrong with me and wonder if I just don't really know how to pray or something. My friends often throw out the "well, have you prayed about it?" And my response is always, "well duh!" Let's just be honest..what's my prayer life really look like? By pray about it, I simply mean I've prayed about it. My prayer probably looks like this... "Lord help me find a practicum site that I can be used in and that I will learn from...and fast. Thanks!" And that's probably it for a few days until I realize that I really need a place again. Then I pray again and probably the same thing. And let me just say that those few days between prayers are empty...I don't pray at all. I don't call on God for anything. I've allowed God to be my helping hand when I need him, I don't desire a relationship with Him like he desires with me. I just desire for him to provide for me when I need him, I just need his blessings...like I deserve them.

I am reminded of Philippians 4:4 & 6 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" and "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Let's think about this verse for a moment. The first thing it says is to rejoice in the Lord always. Do I do that? Do I rejoice in the Lord even though he doesn't answer my prayers? Do I rejoice in the Lord in my frustration? It's okay for me to be frustrated or even angry, but I think that important thing for me to remember is that I just need to be honest with the Lord. I should thank the Lord that he allows me to be frustrated with Him, yet he still loves me during that moment. I need to rejoice in Him always! My prayers should not just be a time in which I run to the Lord when I need something. I should praise Him and rejoice in Him then present my requests to Him.

Do not be anxious about anything. This one is hard for me as I grow anxious rather quickly. Yet I am aware that God will take care of me. I know this based on scriptures and based on the fact that He has always taken care of me. When I read this scripture my mind quickly references to Luke 12 where Christ tells us not to worry about anything. He simply reminds us that if he takes care of the ravens, then he will take care of us. "And how much more valuable you are than birds." In verse 28 my heart grows heavy as I read these words, "O you of little faith!" My heart sinks in my chest as I realize how little faith I really do have. Then I am reminded of Matthew 17:20, when Christ says "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed..." Wow...all I need is a faith as small as a mustard seed. Talk about the faithless. This is when I become overwhelmed and burdened by the fact that I don't have faith in my Lord...not even as small as a mustard seed. When it comes down to it, everything I believe in and have faith in begins to dissolve when things don't go my way and I begin to lose faith.

Back to Philippians..."but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Maybe I should work on my prayer life and perhaps I'd see restoration in my faith as a result. By prayer and petition...it doesn't say to just pray, it says to petition my prayers. I looked up petition in the dictionary, "to beg for or request (something)." I see this prayer and petition as me on my knees before the Lord begging him for something, but not just on one occasion every few days. I should diligently pray for the Lord to show me, to guide me, in making the right decisions regarding my request (practicum in this case). But let's not lose sight of the rest of the verse...with thanksgiving. How often to I come before the Lord and ask for something then off I go? How often do I sit before the Lord and truly rejoice in the Lord, truly pray, seek relationship with Him, and offer thanksgiving? I'll be honest and say it's rare. In fact, it's probably only when I come to the place that I realize how desperate I am with out him. When my friend says to me, "have you prayed about it?" That's when I realize that I haven't really prayed about it at all.

So this was my process over the past few weeks as I prayed for my practicum. I grew frustrated by the lack of provision in my life and I went through my "faithless" moment. I lost my faith and for a week grew angry at the Lord. When my friend reminded me to pray I grew angry at him. How could he tell me to pray like I haven't done that already? But instead, his reminder of prayer that first made me angry with him ended up pushing me into "prayer and petition". It caused me to truly look at scriptures and prayer in a different light.

On Friday, I begged the Lord for provision and prayed that he would guide me. I grabbed my computer while laying on the couch with the flu and I believe it was then that God guided me. I began sending emails to anyone and everyone about practicums. I became desperate and had my mom send emails too. I was blessed in so many ways through this process. I talked with a woman from a church that allowed me to have restored passion for counseling...what a God thing. Then I had several encouraging responses. I even got some responses that may allow for a summer practicum and even possibly hours after I receive my license. Then I got an email at the last minute with the perfect opportunity. By last minute, I mean that if I wouldn't have received the offer at that time then I would have had to take an incomplete for the class and possibly cost myself a huge chunk of money. I got an offer to do counseling in a school in the district that I desire to be employed in as a teacher starting in the fall. Then to top that off, exactly a week later, the Principal at the school offered me a long-term sub position to finish the school year and stated she would allow me to do the counseling during my conference period. So basically...I got a paid internship. God provided for me in ways that I never could have expected and even better than I would have ever asked of Him. When I got the job offer I spent the entire afternoon thanking God for His provision. Rejoicing and thanking!

May I not forget this lesson. May I truly remember how God showed me to pray and how He restored my faith. May I continue to have faith as small as a mustard seed. May I restore my prayer life and my relationship with the Lord.