His Perfect Plan

Sometimes it's so hard to see his perfect plan for our lives. I know there have been many instances in my life where I've wondered what in the world God was up to. Why did it take so long for me to meet my husband? To find a job? To get pregnant? Some of these things I still don't know the answer to.

I have no idea why I didn't meet my husband until 2008 when we lived in the same city and had the same friends in 2005. I know that what we have now is perfect for us, but I don't understand why. I can't seem to grasp why I owned a house yet was unable to find a job to provide suitable income for me until after we got married. I searched long and hard for a job before I finally received such a blessing. And now I don't understand why God has me at a job I dislike so much. I used to think it was the perfect job until the last 5 months or so when I saw things that disgusted me about it. And I have no idea why I longed so badly to become a mother and had to wait 11 months to conceive. These things for me I may never know, but I trust in my God that each of them are all a part of his perfect plan for my life.

Yesterday we spent time with family viewing the body of Cody's younger cousin. None of us can grasp at this time what God's perfect plan is for this situation and for David's life. His parents long to understand why he had to go so early, he was only 21. They long to know what God's plan is in all of this. My prayer is that they would receive answers very soon. I really hope they do. I hope they receive peace in knowing that his life has made the difference in at least one other life. That one other young man or woman will see what happened in David's life and make a change for the better. That they will grasp the love of Christ and run open armed into his loving arms. It's so hard to understand his perfect plan and just why things pan out the way they do. But we have to trust in that in these difficult days. We have to put our faith in knowing that God has just the perfect plan for this situation.

I didn't know David well. But I know one thing, he was very very loved by his family. And I love his family to pieces. I hate to see them hurting. I've grown to be so in love with this family. They are my family now. I hate to see them hurting. Last night I drew peace from knowing a part of the picture. Seeing sweet Baby Everett and the joy he's bringing to David's sisters and parents makes me know that sweet Everett was all apart of God's perfect plan. I thanked God for Baby E's life last night. I thanked God knowing that Everett was born exactly when he was because he was all a part of His perfect plan.

And now I see more of the picture. Experiencing Lindsey's pregnancy and the birth of Everett was a source of pain for me as I longed for motherhood. Yet last night, as I sit reflecting on God's perfect plan for Everett's life I realize just how selfish I had been. God knew just what he was doing when he created life in Lindsey. He knew just when Everett needed to be born. He knew despite my own circumstances that Everett indeed needed to enter this world when he did. And knowing his perfect plan reminds me just how selfish I had been to experience pain in something I should have been rejoicing in. Lindsey deserved better from me, but I was distant and for that I am truly sorry.

God, only you know the perfect plan for our lives. Only you can see it through. We may or may not ever understand what it is you are working out to completion. But we trust in knowing that you have the perfect plan.

I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in us.

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6

until the day of Christ Jesus. This isn't even about an ending date. This is about until the day of Christ Jesus. He's still carrying out his plan for David's life.

The Bump: 15 Weeks

The 15 Week Bump! Starting to feel a little more pregnant and a little less chubby.

This is the dress I've worn to the last two weddings I've attended. Pretty sure it might be the only nice dress that fits me this summer. It's possible I'll wear it to the next 3 weddings purely to see the belly grow.

I am totally craving frozen goodness!! Slurpees and snowcones are the best thing in the world. My water has to be extra cold in order for me to drink it too.

Hives are the devil. I've never had them in my life but in the past week I've had them a lot. Can't pinpoint why they are happening, but a preggo friend told me she has unexplainable hives around this same time in her pregnancy. We shall see...

What Freaks Me Out...

Bringing baby home from the hospital doesn't necessarily freak me out. I've got my sister on speed dial already and fairly confident if anything comes up the phone call will solve all my problems. I've been around babies and children enough that this part doesn't phase me not even a little. I love kids! I've been longing for motherhood.

What freaks me out...

1) Breastfeeding. No one talks about this.
2) Giving birth...a little bit, but breastfeeding scares me more.
3) Finding a pediatrician. I am not qualified to find a good pediatrician. Where is my sister now? Maybe she can come down & research all the peds for me! Oh wait, maybe Ruth can go with me since she's a peds nurse. Or maybe I'll just drive an hour to see a good pediatrician. Oh wait, I want a local doctor. But whose any good? Ahh!
4) Registering/Buying the right products! My sister isn't here to go register for everything with me. What if I pick bad bottles? What if those "safe" things aren't so safe? Do I let things like price influence my purchases? What is the best of the best? Oh geez!!

The Bump

Well, here it is...the 12 week bump! I finally came up with an outfit that will be able to grow with me so that I could start my weekly photo op! I really can't believe that the baby bump is this big already. Although I am pretty sure to others I just look a little chubby.

And of course Mikey had to be part of the photo shoot!

The heartbeat was 156 today which according to an old wives tale means we will be having a girl, but we won't know that for another 8 weeks. Vote for the sex over on the right...

11 Week Update

I know that several of you are wanting an update. Some of you have asked for a baby bump but you will just have to wait a little longer. While I can't really fit in my pants very well, the bump doesn't really scream baby but girl with some chub. So I will wait until it's more baby bump like before I share it with the world.

So far so good! I haven't really had any sickness aside from just feeling blah.
Definitely sleepy a lot! And pregnancy brain is a real thing....

Cravings & Aversions? Not any one thing in particular. Some things sounds good until something else is mentioned and then suddenly that something else is the only thing I can ever imagine eating. For example, Friday we were headed to Cristina's to eat and Cody mentioned Applebee's. He wanted to retract his suggestion but I was sold. So we had Applebee's whether he wanted it or not. That Fiesta Lime Chicken was calling my name!! It was delish!!

I have been a big fan of sour apple sour punch straws and dum-dums, but no one is going to die if I don't get them.

There have been a couple of times at work that I've microwaved my meal and realized the smell it made cooking was disgusting. This benefits me, but not our checking account.

Girl or Boy? Well, what's your vote? I am hoping for a girl, which makes me fear it will be a boy. Obviously I will be happy either way, but something is more exciting about shopping for a girl. And I am really sold on a nursery theme for a girl!!

Jehovah Jireh

Friday, April 8th I woke up and took the infamous pregnancy test. I'll tell you now I was terrified to see those dreaded words, "not pregnant". I didn't think I could handle seeing those words on that pregnancy test like I had before.

I took the test and then let the dogs out. As I entered back in the restroom to take a shower I glanced over at the test bracing myself to see those awful words, "not pregnant" but the "not" was missing. I grabbed the stick and held it in my hands to make sure I was seeing things correctly and sure enough it read "pregnant". I cracked open the door to find my husband still sound asleep in bed. I let out a soft "so....umm...we're pregnant."

He jumped out of bed and hugged me tight for a long while and then I hopped in the shower. I stood there in awe of my Savior, Jehovah Jireh, My Provider!! I stood there saying Jehovah Jireh over and over again and thanking him for this precious gift of life. I prayed over the baby and the pregnancy during my shower as I continued to praise Him in His faithfulness. Jehovah Jireh, you have provided!

Several people have asked if I jumped up and down or screamed in that moment, but I did not. I stood in awe of my Savior! I promised myself the day I found out I was pregnant that I would remember He is the reason and that He is to be praised. So I didn't stand in that bathroom jumping up and down, but I stood there still in awe of his graciousness!

Today is Mother's Day and exactly a month ago I found out I was pregnant. I rejoice in my Father's blessing over my life! I am so grateful that I will soon be called mother by this sweet little baby. We are 9 weeks pregnant today.

But today I am sad for several women in my life longing to be mother's. I have met women along my journey who are in all stages of the struggle to get pregnant. I have grown intimately close with these women. I pray for them daily and long for them to be mothers. I anxiously await the day they get to spring the news on me. If you are struggling, please know I am praying for you and will not forget you in my prayers! I love you very much!!

See Ya Soon Georgia!

My sisters family is packing up and leaving Texas tomorrow. I am excited for their new journey, but selfishly wish they were staying here close to all of us. I will secretly be praying for their return from now on although I think they might be praying we will follow them.

I said good-bye to their family on Saturday night after spending two days with them. I honestly thought I would cry when it came down to it, but I didn't. It's so surreal. It was as if it was just another good-bye we're headed to Tyler see ya soon! That's what it's always been. Maybe it would have been different had they been leaving from my parents house to go straight to Georgia, but that was not the case.

So I wonder when it will really sink in...when will I just lose it? It's coming for me, I'm almost certain. I'm too emotional to not cry, but I think it will probably come when I least expect it. I don't want to be far apart. Saying goodbye to my beautiful nieces and handsome nephew almost choked me up. Seeing those sweet faces, kissing and hugging them goodbye.

I don't know when I will get to see them next, it could be a month or it could be 6 months. I really have no idea. Things have changed and I hate that I don't know when I will see them again. On that note, if you happen to have free air miles you need to get rid of I will gladly take a flight to Atlanta!! :)

This is see ya soon, not goodbye. I love you sweet family!!

Going to miss them!

I visited my family this weekend for one last Texas visit before they move to Georgia. I am going to miss these kids being just 2 hours away, but at least I'll see them for longer.

LOVE THEM!!

You Are Faithful

Our church recently released the CD, God of Victory. It's absolutely my favorite and you should probably get it. I listen to it at least once a day if not more. One of the songs in particular I could listen to ALL day long...

You Are Faithful written by Lauren Chandler

Faithful are you
and gracious to us
That you should save us
a guilty race

A name so holy
so sweet yet mighty
How could you place it
on your heads?

You are faithful
You are gracious
You alone are God

Faithful are you
and gracious to us
That you should save us
a guilty race

A name so holy
so sweet yet mighty
How could you place it
on your heads?

You are faithful
You are gracious
You alone are God
Forever praised
You are faithful
You are gracious
You alone are God

Yeshua Yeshua Yeshua, Yeshua
Your name will always be, the only covering
Over all my guilt and shame, Your Name

You are faithful
You are gracious
You alone are God

Vulnerable

Being vulnerable enough to share your story with someone is rather difficult. I feel like sometimes I am just an open book and will share everything while other times I'm shut tight. Turns out I've not been as open about our struggle with those around me as I've been here behind this computer screen. I am protected as I sit here on my couch and you sit wherever you are right now...your couch, your desk, a coffee shop.

There is protection for me being apart from you. I can cry freely and don't have to hold in my emotions when you say something nice in return, I can just cry. I cry a lot and always have. But for some reason I HATE crying in front of other people. I always choke back the tears and try to stand firm in my emotions as if I am any good at it.

One thing I do know is that if I have had the courage to tell you about my pain I sure wish you'd be considerate of my feelings. I wish you'd ask me how it's going from time to time. Sometimes I think people become so crippled by heartache that they don't know how to respond.

I remember when my grandparents died my friends almost became non-existent because they didn't know what to say or how to encourage me. It hurts to grieve alone. I find this to the be the same case in this situation because people don't know how to respond so a lot of times you grieve alone. I promise it's okay to talk to me about our situation. I might cry, but that's okay. Or I might not want to talk about it and that's okay to, I will be grateful you asked. I'd much rather know you care then think you could care less.

Better or Worse?

Have you noticed that regardless of your circumstances there is always someone that has it better or worse than you? Always.

This just goes to show that if you get this thing you really want that it's not going to complete you. If you buy a new car it's only new until you drive it off the lot and then someone else has a newer car than you. If you buy the iPad it's only a matter of days before the iPad2 comes out leaving you longing for what's better. This remains true for difficult life circumstances and joyous life circumstances.

I think about how some people get cancer and survive years where others get the same thing and die quickly. Sometimes it seems that when you think about your circumstances you can't imagine how you could handle anything else as your about to burst at the seams and then you hear the prayer request of a friend and suddenly your heartache seems meaningless.

I have been in a difficult season while struggling with infertility, job frustrations (seen victory here) and with the recent news of my sister moving to Atlanta. I've cried a lot lately in regards to longing for a baby and wishing my sister wasn't moving so far away. I try to put on this happy face most of the time and mask my emotions in front of others unless they ask and then I am an open book. The emails, messages and random phone calls where someone tells me they are praying for me causes me to cry every time. It's so encouraging to know how loved I am and how prayed over we are. We are so grateful for your encouraging words and prayers!!

Monday night my family cried as they said goodbye to my sister (we will see her again at Easter) and I said I wouldn't cry and I didn't...until I got in my car alone 20 minutes later. Then I sobbed uncontrollably all the way home, but cleared my tears before walking into the house. I have since scheduled a weekend with my sister to be alone and to cherish a weekend with just us and the kids. I am going to miss her being close and those nieces and nephew of mine. I love them so much and have been such an active part of their lives. It's going to be hard to not be as active since there will be 13 hours between us instead of just 2. It's going to be hard to not be there for every birthday, baptism, recital and so forth. It's going to be difficult to not just make a day trip if I want to. It will be a challenge but I can do it. We can video chat, email, text, call and I can send cards & gifts for every special occasion. I have to say I loved this about my Aunt Nancy as a little child. Every little holiday that came, a special card was found in the mail from her. It's time I adopt this tradition and spoil those kids in a new way. I will miss convenience but am still so blessed. While my circumstances aren't better like I would have wished, they aren't exactly worse. Stories of sibling loss remind me just how lucky I am. I will miss her, but she is still just a phone call away.

I had a doctors appointment this week that left me a little scared although trusting in God allows that fear to disappear. I had a hard time telling my best friend about it as I knew what she was going through with her own daughter had far more significance. I knew I had to tell her because I wouldn't want to spring something on her if bad news came from the work done to me. I let her know, but all the while thinking that my circumstances seemed so insignificant in the light of things although to me at that time seemed difficult. Chelsey's 2-year-old daughter had blood drawn to see if she has Alper's disease. This is far more concerning than what I could have. My circumstances only seem painful to me until I am reminded of what everyone is going through. My heart aches for others and I am in prayer constantly for them. Last Christmas when Kiersten (Chelsey's daughter) was diagnosed with epilepsy I remember Chelsey saying something along the lines of "while my circumstances are so painful, I see much more heartache around me." I am reminded of this time and time again.

This also goes true for the opposite as when things do seem great there are always people who have it better. It just reminds me that while here on earth we will never be satisfied and will always long for something. We allow ourselves to fill the void of Christ with meaningless things and forget to have our focus on the cross. I would not have fears about the outcomes of my results if I put all my trust in God and rested on his promises! I long to be fulfilled in Christ!! I long to rid myself of idols that leave me empty and longing for more. My desires are for Christ and Christ alone, but I keep allowing things to step between me.

Another Good Scripture

²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

²⁵ The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
²⁶ it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
²⁷ It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.

²⁸ Let him sit alone in silence,
for the LORD has laid it on him.

Lamentations 3:22-28

Struggle to Connect

Having a hard time lately struggling to connect or relate with anyone. I feel like we are struck in the middle between single friends and married with children. We've got a ton of single friends who we adore, but we are in different life stages. So we choose to only spend so much time with them as we need to be developing relationships with other married couples, but then we run into the problem of all our married friends having children or children on the way.

It's getting hard to spend a lot of time with people who have children because all they talk about is their children. I long so much to be a mother! There is part of me that feels so completely sinful that I can't just be content with my circumstances as if longing to be a mother is a bad thing. I get angry with myself when I am sad because others have children to talk about, but at the same time I think I need to protect my heart a little. I feel so struck with how I feel and the emotions involved in this process.

I have to say I am blessed because I have met a few people who I can talk to about this struggle who understand my struggle and have been there. God has been very good to me in this area and I am so thankful for those friendships.

Meaningful Lyrics

Occasionally I hear a song that speaks to me in an extraordinary way. I heard this song at work recently and wrote it down on a post it note to remember. I sit here reading the lyrics today and it really has me thinking.

Song: What Do I Know of Holy? by Addison Road

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

I recently decided it was time I finally buckle down and read the bible through. To stop coming up with excuses not to. So while I am only 7 days in I am determined to continue & will see it through. As I sit here reading these lyrics it reminds me how crucial it is to read the bible through. The only way I can know who God is is by reading about him in scriptures.

Doctors Appointment

I feel a little bit odd writing this one out, but I would really appreciate the prayers. I have a doctors appointment on March 31st to do a coloscopy from an abnormal pap. My doctor says its nothing to worry about and that it's the most common abnormal pap, but I can't help but worry. I am already praying that when I go everything will be clear & no signs of whatever caused the abnormal results to begin with.

Thanks for the continued prayers for us.

Facebook Hiatus

It's time I take another break from facebook but this time for longer. If you need me then I am pretty sure you can find me...

It's getting hard for me to be on facebook because literally every time I log on I see another pregnancy announcement or perhaps even another baby is born. While I am happy for all of my friends, my heart can't take any more news. So since I can control the amount I take in from facebook I will be away for some time. I cannot control the zillions of belly bumps I see in the mall or the conversations I hear behind me in line about pregnancy etc. I hate that I feel like this and that I really need a break because it hurts to hear the news, but it's just the truth and I am just being honest with you. Not to mention the break would be good for many other reasons.

Continue to pray for us as we desire to become parents!

When talking about your kids...

I am reading the book Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. Honestly, if we are close or if you know anyone going through infertility or loss challenges then you should pick up this great book. At the end of each chapter she has a section called 'Burden Bearers' which is specifically written for you and not the one struggling.

In the first chapter she made a great suggestion that everyone should learn from:

"When you are meeting someone new, don't start your conversation with 'So, do you have any kids?' While innocent enough, such questions can make me feel like a dear caught in your headlights. Instead try something open-ended such as 'Tell me a bit about yourself.' Anyone in a less-than-ideal life circumstance (unfulfilled desires for a spouse, unemployed, and so on) will appreciate such an approach."

I know that for certain our struggle has taught me to be cautious about how I say things or how often I brag or complain about my life circumstances. I am especially trying to be cautious about my marriage as I still have several friends who long to be married. While they are very happy for me, the last thing I want to do is talk about my marriage all the time.

So I guess today I want to share a burden bearer with you from my own perspective. For all I know, this might be one Jennifer shares later on in the book but I'm only at Chapter 4. So what I want to share with you is...

If I say to you that I want children please do not tell me that I can have yours if I want since they are driving you crazy. I will gladly take your kids and you can trade me for my circumstances, that's fine by me. I'd love to take your kids as my own. While I don't at all doubt that your kids are driving you crazy and you could use a date night or a break from your kids, your small little phrase makes a bottle of emotions explode within me. Please kindly say I love my kids and I hope you can experience the joy of parenthood soon. But please refrain from ever discouraging someone from having kids who says they want to have kids. If you are really needing a break then I would be happy to watch your kids for you so you can have a date night, but I can guarantee you don't really want to give up your kids. However, if you do we can surely arrange something.

Struggling

I've been really struggling lately and not just with the baby thing. While that continues to remain painful there are some other things going on in my life. I kind of wonder if the baby thing is affecting other areas of my life a little bit too. So if you would just pray for me in all of these areas the other two of which I can't really mention yet, but will soon.

Today I am resting in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Desert Song

I am in love with the song Desert Song by Hillsong. The first time I heard it was at church and our Pastors wife was the one singing the song. Our pastor had a seizure on Thanksgiving day in 2009 and soon found out he had brain cancer. There has been much healing in his life since this day, but the first time I heard this song I saw the joy in Lauren's worship that day.

Today I was listening to this song at work and loved the lyrics even more today. So meaningful. My boss walked by and shared with me the story behind the song. Check out her story, it is so powerful.

I sit here in awe & in worship of my Lord & Savior today.

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

I Will Be Happy When...

A week later, another sermon and another conviction.

We were very lucky to have JR Vassar from Apostles Church in New York preach at our church today. I very much needed to hear this sermon. I have been very discontent lately especially at work. I've had a very heavy heart for awhile now.

Hyperreality, an exaggerated life, an embellished vision of life. Defined on wikipedia as a means to characterize the way consciousness defines what is actually "real" in a world where a multitude of media can radically shape and filter an original event or experience. Vassar talked about how we buy into a cultural standard of something. For women it is often a cultural standard of beauty.

I recall a friend of mine from college speaking on this issue as he told us just what he could make our bodies looking like after a few hours of editing. And to think that we focus on those images when we choose what we would like to look like and they aren't even real. Beyond this I could bet to say that women probably also have a hyperreality as to what they think their lives should look like. I know for me it's to have children and to be a stay-at-home mom. I think this has a lot to do with my current discontentment.

I so desire to be a mother and really didn't imagine it to take this long. When we started trying I actually saw myself leaving my job close to my year anniversary at the place I currently work. I do love my job and am so grateful for it, but I am most definitely longing for something else. I am longing to be a mother.

Vassar said something that really struck me today, "we live in a constant state of I will be happy when..." I relate to this. I don't know how often I have thought what will make me happy. I will be happy when I get married. I will be happy when I get a new car. I will be happy when we have our first kid. I will be happy when I have a job I love. I will be happy when I buy this outfit. I will be happy when...

The truth of the matter is nothing seems to ever satisfy me, I am always discontent. I have traded contentment for consumerism. I have chosen myself over Christ. I have chosen to be satisfied by my own sinful desires and not those of Christ Jesus, my Lord & Savior. He is indeed working all things together for His good. I need to be in covenant with Christ and not longing for something else to feed my needs.

Not my will, but your will be done.