Overwhelmed by Unemployment.

I warn you all that I am about to enter a serious soap box and realize my opinions may be a little over exaggerated but I'm thoroughly irritated and uber opinionated at this moment in time. I realize that I am not alone in this unemployment boat and while I often feel sorry for myself, I know that God is going to provide for me and I am okay but at the same time I can't help but battle with a great deal of bitter at times.

I have battled with this unemployment thing for some time now. I have been searching for a job since I graduated with my Masters exactly a year ago. I have worked some part-time jobs to survive, but nothing has been truly beneficial as every month I struggle to make ends meet. Its often funny to me when a friend says "I know what you are going through, I had to look for a job for two months." I just want to say "really 2 months, that must have been so awful!" Meanwhile they lived at home and their parents paid their bills or they had enough money in savings to survive off.

I really try not to be bitter about my current job situation and am always happy for others who find a job, get a promotion and so forth. But sometimes I just can't take it any more. If someone came to me and said "dude i just got a promotion!" I'd be elated! Or even if someone said "man i put in 12 hours today and am beat" I'd respond with I'm sorry your job blows. But "I'm sitting on my butt watching movies at work" and my response is must be nice to have a job. And in my mind I am thinking screw you. I don't mean to be bitter but we are in an economic crisis, be glad you have a job.

Yesterday my friend Corrie wrote to me how she felt about the job hunt and I'm sure some can relate...the job hunt makes me want to rip my own organs out and lay them on the floor and then drive over them. agreed?

I promise to write a more positive blog tomorrow or very soon...

Content

I am trying to learn to be content with where we are now. My sister has often reminded me to just enjoy the engaged process and not focus so much on the countdown. While I am extremely excited about the days left until we get married, I do need to stop and enjoy what we have right now. It's not like I have the chance to be engaged again. I have tried hard to enjoy our engagement over the last few weeks despite my excitement.

Last night as Cody and I went through our "Before You Say I Do" devotional I came across a portion that was convicting for me. "What's your pace of life? Are you hurrying to get the wedding preparations in place or are you taking time to enjoy the process and having fun?" I'm kind of right in the middle...I'm not in a hurry checking items off my list, but I'm sure not enjoying the preparations and the relationship. My mind is set on whats ahead and not whats going on today.

Can't help but make me think of Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." So today I will try and commit to thinking about today and not focusing so much on my future.

So I am going to try and enjoy this a little more, I mean...I am only engaged once. Tonight we are going to be Wedding Crashers at a Faux Wedding at the Hilton in Grapevine. We will enjoy be a part of a ceremony and reception with all the perks. Free cocktails and dinner, cake and fireworks. What better way to embrace the engagement with a free date that benefits the wedding planning process? I am excited about our date!

More to come on this same devotion...the scripture used, the convictions had. Being engaged is so humbling for me.

Updates

Dear Blogging Friends...I haven't had a lot of time lately to sit and blog or have I? I still don't really have a job even though for two weeks I worked full-time. So really I have no idea where all the hours in my day are going. Okay actually I'm a bit of a nerd and have spent countless hours playing games on facebook. Don't act like you are above me for I know a good portion of you are playing the same games! Aside from that, I don't really know what to blog about these days...

So today I will just give you an update. I have now been engaged a little over a month and am enjoying the wedding planning. We will be getting married November 21st, 2009! I am more than excited about getting married to Cody and can't wait to start our life as a married couple. Thus far I have ordered my dress as well as the bridesmaid dresses, tuxes ordered, Cody's wedding band purchased, flower girls dress ordered, a few decorations purchased, verbally asked to borrow candy dishes, church booked, preacher, premarital counseling start at the end of August and I think that's it for now. Oh wait...the honeymoon is booked!!! So we are well on our way to planning our perfect little wedding.

For any wedding information please visit our wedding website http://mywedding.com/bushkitts
Sign the guestbook! Love you all!

My Heart

There are still days that I look down at my ring and get excited all over again. Even though I've bought my dress there are still moments that I can't believe it's really happening.I was never a girl that dreamed much about my wedding and what I would wear and how it would all pan out, but I have very much been a girl who has thought much about marriage.

I have always been anxious to meet my husband and have prayed over him and for him much over the last six years. There were times that I wondered if I would ever meet my husband. A couple years ago as a friend of mine struggled through the beginning of her marriage and would often say marriage wasn't worth it and I should be glad I was single. I never saw it that way though because I didn't see marriage as this wonderful all the time relationship. I knew the realistic nature of the relationship and that there would be tough times. I remember telling her then that I was excited about getting married and fighting because knowing whats on the other side makes it worth it. I realize there will be times that Cody & I aren't happy go lucky and we may fight, but I am excited to do life with him. I can't wait to be married to him!!!

There were times in my life that I honestly thought I'd meet, start dating and marry my husband all with in a years time. Who would have known it would just be nine months?

The Proposal

Friday June 26th was supposed to be game night at Jonathan's place. Cody came to pick me up at 6:30 and told me that we were going to go play a game since I always say he's not creative. We get in the car and there was a heart that read: "The Car. It all starts in the car. The car symbolizes our future. No matter how many times we argue or get irritated with each other this car will take us anywhere we want to go and Baby I am soo excited where its going to take us. Now listen to Brad Paisley "Then" and proceed to the next stop. The Church. I love you!!" I turned my ipod on to Then and enjoyed listening to our song as we drove to the church...

We arrive to the church take a nice scenic walk around the church to find the cross where the 2nd heart was hanging. The front of the heart read: "Stop 1: The Church. The church, what every Godly relationship should be based on first and foremost. From the start my goal for us has been to keep God in the forefront of our relationship. I pray that we would always give him control of anything and everything that we ever go through because I know that by trusting Him, God will get us through any obstacles we may ever face." The back of the heart read: "Task: Read these verses a loud and say a prayer for this relationship, that we may always keep God #1 in our lives. Ephesians 5:21-30; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 After completing the prayer its time to have a little fun!" I read the verses aloud and then Cody prayed for our relationship. Every time we pray it ends with a kiss and an I love you!! This is the moment that I realized what was going to happen as the scripture read, 'Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ...'We then drove off to the next destination...(no lie, I thought we might go to the fountain in Parker Square.)

We arrive at Parker Square and we grab the heart from a park bench then walk down to the fountain. After our very first date we went to this place and sat and talked for awhile so there are memories here for us. As we walked around to the other side I started to wonder if this was going to be the place that he would pop the question. Especially when he ran back to the car to get "something". But don't worry, it was just the frisbee. We sat on the bench in front of the fountain and I read the heart. "Stop 2: The Park. The park symbolizes the fun part of our relationship, one of the biggest reasons why I love you baby is because you love to have fun. Over the past 4 months we have spent a lot of time in the park doing just that, having fun! Whether it be by throwing the frisbee around or just bringing a blanket and looking at the stars. And if you think about it the park is really where we first decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend ;)." After reading the front I turned it to the back for the task, "Just have some fun. Throw the frisbee around for 10 minutes and talk about different experiences we have had at the park. After fun its time for my next favorite thing: FOOD!" (At this point my guess is we are going to a Mexican restaurant and likely to be La Hacienda Ranch unless he turned right out of the parking lot).

As soon as we hopped on 35 I knew we were headed to La Hacienda Ranch. It is by far my favorite Mexican restaurant!! I love to sit outside by the fireplace after I eat there so the next heart was tied on the side of the fireplace. Cody hadn't proposed yet and I love the fireplace and I thought maybe we'd eat there and family or friends might be there so again I thought...surely he will propose here..."Stop 3: La Hacienda Ranch. Ah La Ha, Jana's favorite place in the world to eat! It seems like since I have been dating you my diet has seen a huge increase in Mexican food. To me La Hacienda Ranch represents all of the different dates we have been on. Jana, one of my main goals in this relationship is to make you feel comfortable which ultimately leads to happiness. And what makes you more happy than La Hacienda Ranch Guacamole?? I love you baby!" The task on the back, "Order some chips and guacamole to go and take it to Game Night. After receiving your chips proceed back to your house for dessert!"

As we pull up to the house I noticed red rose petals leading up to the front porch and this is when I realized it's all about to go down. I was a little excited inside to say the least!! We walk up to the porch and there is an ice cream pint that has a heart around it that says "Open Me!" I open the pint and see a ring box so I hand it to Cody and put the lid back on. By the time I turn around Cody is on one knee. He grabs my hand and asks "Jana Lynn Bush, will you marry me?" I think I said yes...He gets up we hug, we kiss, we hug, we kiss, we hug some more and kiss some more. And then finally he places the ring on my hand...its beautiful!!! We go into the house where both of our families and my closest friends are waiting!!!

**Will post pictures later...**

I'm Engaged...

Happy Birthday Tristan!!

Today is Tristan's 1st Birthday! As I began to create the video of Tristan today tears began rolling down my cheeks as I glanced through all the photos I have of my sweet nephew. I forgot how small he was and how big he has become in the past year. He has grown so much!! I am excited for the year ahead of us, but am sad to see his first year has already passed. I made this video as a sweet reminder of the past year--I look forward to making him many more videos over the years!

I absolutely love and adore Tristan and want the best for him. Today I pray that God will protect him and provide for him. I pray that he will come to know the Lord and worship him the way that I do. I pray that he will be healthy and active. I pray that he would love the Lord more than the world. I pray that he would be the best little brother (and protective might I add). I pray that he does well in school and succeeds at everything he does. I pray that he will marry an incredible woman who is chasing after God's own heart. I pray that he will be protected from harm. I look forward to many more birthday celebrations and thank God for the past year.
I can't wait to see the little boy he will blossom into.

Loved

The job hunting process continues to be stressful and at times overwhelming, but ultimately I know God is taking care of me. I have been thoroughly encouraged and loved on by all those around me over the past few weeks. I find great comfort when my friends and family tell me that they are praying for me. Often times it's friends or family I haven't really expected to be praying for me. It truly has been such an encouragement to know that I am surrounded by prayer. It's been a great comfort for me because I know that whatever is to come will have been thoroughly prayed over by many. Thank you so much for all the prayers!!

Job Hunting Blues.

I have decided that job hunting is the most frustrating, exhausting, depressing, discouraging and spiritually trying event that has taken place in my life thus far. I am sure there are other things that suck far more than this...but seriously I hate this more than anything.

I am so tired of endlessly searching for a job. Why the crap did I waste 6 years of my life getting an education? They serve no purpose. The end.

So Proud!

I've previously mentioned how much I love Cody's family so today this post is a tribute to his sister. Carly participated in the regional qualifier for the State Track Meet last week and she did an awesome job!!! Congratulations Carly on successfully placing 1st in both the 3200 & 1600. You are such an amazing athlete!! Excited to see whats to come for you in the future!!!

To Cody...

Dearest Cody...Every day I fall more and more in love with you. After a great weekend of celebrating Mother's Day with our families I can't help but realize just how much I do love you. Enjoy this video that I made for you. I think Brad Paisley did a good job of writing the lyrics of my heart...and I thought I loved you then!

Up & Down

I am pessimist by nature and my mother is an optimist. I have tried very hard over the years to become more like her and to have a more positive outlook on life. There are times that it is much easier for me to do this. I feel very guilty as a believer when I am pessimistic because I feel like I am putting God in a box...a box He does not deserve to be put in.

Yesterday I found out a job that I was excited about starting fell through. I was back to square one and have been feeling very hopeless. I know that God will provide for me a job as well as finances in the meantime. I know that he will provide for me a roommate. I know that there is a reason it did not work out. I know that His plans are better than my own. I know that all things happen for a reason. I know that it will all work out in the end. But...

I cannot seem to help be down on myself. The natural pessimist in me has torn myself to shreds and has grown very frustrated with God. I have shaken my fist at him and cried out to Him. I have wondered what I did wrong. I have been curious to why He would put something in front of me only to take it away. I have asked numerous why questions in my head. And...

I have prayed for peace. I have prayed for comfort. I have prayer for patience. I have prayed that I would find another job. I have prayed that God would place me where he wants me to be. I have prayed for his provision. I have prayed that I would trust Him even though I don't really want to. I have prayed and prayed...I've even prayed an angry prayer. I've asked the why questions and I've thrown my fist at Him in frustration.

As I typed up all of that I caught myself in not thanking God for His provision thus far. I should be thankful that I didn't get the job because His plans are better than my own. I should be thankful that He will take care of me and He will find me a job. I should just be thankful for the needs he provides for me, that I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, clothing to wear, food to eat, clean water to drink and the list goes on and on.

These past two days have been tough and trying for me. My emotions have gone up and down as I go from having peace to being extremely frustrated. I know He will provide for me, but I can't help but worry. I know He has something else in store for me, but I can't help but wonder why this job couldn't have worked out. I grow angry with myself that I can't just trust and be at peace but that I really battle with this as a pessimist.

Thank you Lord for an optimistic mother who leaves me a message that says "sorry about that, but maybe there is something else out there. I'm like you in that I hoped this was the one, but God has something out there for you."

Thank you Lord for a loving boyfriend who wants nothing more than for me to be happy. Who brings me roses and a sweet card to let me know he loves me. Who prays over me and for me regarding the situation. I am so lucky.

Thank you Lord for a supportive family, loving boyfriend and awesome friends. I am so lucky to have a group of people covering me in prayer and encouraging me to not be the pessimist I so naturally become. I am also lucky enough to have the encouragement of Cody's family who I have grown to love as my own, thanks Lindsey, Katie & Ruth!

Enjoying His Family

One of the things that has attracted us most to one another is our love for our families. I am very close to my family and love them with all my heart. I love spending time with them and am very involved in their lives. Cody is this same way with his family.

We have not only fallen in love with one another but we have fallen in love with each others families. We both knew it was love when we saw one another with our families. He met my parents and spent some time with them and then I met his. It was those moments that made us realize just how in love with one another we were.

And now we have both come to a place where we are starting to love each others families. I love that Cody cares about my family and loves them. And I love loving his family as if they were my own family. I am blessed to be loved by his family and am glad that my family loves him.

Me & Cody after Lindsey's Bridal Shower
Grapevine Botanical Gardens

Momma Kitts & the girls...

With the sisters!!
Carly & Katie!


The Female Kitts Cousins.
Katie, Lindsey, Kelsey, Me & Carly.
Haley was hiding from the camera.

With the future Mrs. Lindsey Avery.
We've become such close friends since me & Cody started dating.
I am so lucky to call her a friend.

Jana needs...

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Go to Google.com
2. Including the quotation marks, type in “[YOUR NAME] needs” (in my case, it’s “Jana needs”)
3. Take the top 10 results and post them.

————————————————————–

1. Jana needs a home.
   
2. Jana needs to select 3 properties.
3. Jana needs your help.
4. Jana needs a 30-minute block of time to set up her equipment and do a sound check with the sound engineer at least 90 minutes before the program
5. Jana needs time.
6. Jana needs to get her @$$ back to New York.
7. Jana needs some extra educational services through school.
8. Jana needs to find that peace and soften her anger towards her Father.
9. JANA needs at least version 1.4 of Java®.
10. Jana needs to stand up for herself if she feels someone has said or done that is inappropriate or that crosses a boundary.

What's funny about this to me is that #7 and #10 because they are service plans for a mental health patient of some sort. Wow--simply amazing. This is probably only fascinating to me as a Counselor. The "Essential Life Plan" I found as #10 has been rather entertaining to read over.

He Amazes Me.

Cody treats me so well and I am seriously the luckiest girl in the world. He made sure my birthday was extra special and for that I am truly grateful. He continues to amaze me on a daily basis and I am so thankful for his blessing in my life. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. Yes, after two months I am full confident that I will be spending my life with him. I was fully confident of this after two weeks. Here are some pictures of us over the past month since I last posted.

April Fool's when we pranked our friends at the Mavs Game. We posted on facebook that we were engaged and enjoyed watching it unravel over the hours.

We visited my sister for the weekend and had a blast. Ellie was our photographer.

We spent an evening on the couch taking pictures of our emotions. I've never laughed so hard in my life...you should see his scared face. Wow.

We went to the Rangers game with Cody's cousin and her fiance'.


We celebrated my birthday several times, but this one is at La Hacienda Ranch after church last night. I absolutely love this man!!!

Happy Birthday Cody!!

Happy Birthday Cody! I love you!!

Astonished.

I have recently started dating a guy and couldn't be any happier. I am daily amazed by him and our relationship. When Cody started pursuing me I was a little scared at first since my last relationship was completely not glorifying of Christ and a little heart breaking. I wasn't treated the way I deserved to be treated, but really didn't know how I deserved to be treating. I mean I had an idea in my head of how I felt I should be treated, but I'd never been treated well. Cody has treated me far better than I could ever have imagined. He has assured me when my insecurities have come up because of the past relationship. I truly stand in awe of the way he treats me and often feel it's too good to be true. I can say I'm elated, that it is most definitely true and I can tell that Cody will never stop treating me this way. He truly is one of the greatest blessings.

He has taught me a lot about the way I deserve to be treated and not just by him, but by others as well. In high school I would have had no trouble writing someone off for treating me some way I didn't like, but now I have a hard time walking away from relationships. I have recently found myself having a hard time letting go of a friendship that has for the most part always been a one-way street. I have spent much of my time bending over backwards for this person and trying to gain the same friendship in return. I am hurting myself by trying to remain friends with this person because I am allowing them to continually disappoint me. I love this person and always will and if tomorrow they called me I'd be there for them in a heartbeat, but at the same time...I am done pursuing their friendship. If the last time I saw them was genuinely the last then so be it. I deserve a better friend than that. Am I making the wrong decision?

So while I remain completely heart broken over this friendship, I can't help but cover the heart break with the excitement and happiness that Cody brings me. I am so lucky!

I'll be raw...

When people ask me what I do I always laugh and respond with nothing. I am a substitute teacher who doesn't get enough hours to live off. I randomly dog sit as a mean to make extra money. I have recently started doing temp nanny work as well as working Kids Keepers at church. I don't know how I pay my bills or afford to spend time with my friends. God totally provides for me and I know that it's completely God that makes this work. Sometimes I wonder why this is what I do and why I can't find a full-time job. I probably am not looking hard enough and honestly really don't want to look at all. I'd much rather continue having the flexibility that I have. I want to teach next year, but until then I don't want to do anything.

I have struggled with this a lot since I graduated from college in August 2005. I have no desire to work to be absolutely honest. My heart's desire is to be married and have children at home that I am caring for. I want to be having play dates with friends and their babies. I want to meet with some girls for coffee to talk about Jesus. I want to vacuum the house and put away the dishes. I want to make sure dinner is on the table when my hubby gets home. There are days that I feel like I am living my dream just with out the husband and the kids. I rush from coffee with a friend to lunch with another friend then run to the church to fill out some paperwork then off to coffee with another friend just in time to make it home for dinner with the roommate. I love it--I love the idea of getting to just do life with people and not having to worry about a job. I feel blessed that at times I can run to the rescue of a friend who desperately needs a break from her own children.

I just wrestle with the blessing of getting to enjoy this time that I don't have a full-time job to steal all my time. I think that I am supposed to go find some job and work full-time, but I hate the idea of it. I honestly just want to do life with people and not have to worry about money at all. But the fact of the matter is I just can't keep living like this and I have to do something, but then comes the wrestle of what to do.

I have two degrees: BS in Human Development & Family Studies and a MA in Counseling. I want to teach middle school for a couple years and then do counseling, but until then...what? Nanny? Social Services? Administrative? Secretarial? I have no idea. I'd like to nanny...for the right family. I'd love a social service job...for the right organization. But where is the job that I can love to be at? Do I have to settle for something that I am going to be miserable at? Ugh. My heart is heavy. I don't want a job. I don't feel good enough to do anything. Can I be a teacher? Will I even be any good? Will I even pass the test to get certified? Do I really have to waste more money on taking a test I may fail again? Should I give up my dream to teach and just pursue Social Services? Should I go ahead and try to take my Counseling exam? Should I just say screw it and commit a year to nanny? WHAT DO I DO????????? I can't hear His voice. His he telling me what to do? Am I so far from him that I can't hear his voice? Is he letting me decide on this one? Did he hear me?

And now you know why it's 1:38am and I am blogging instead of sleeping. Now you know that my mind can't seem to slow down. I lay here in my bed listening to these lyrics over and over again..."Come, ye weary, heavy-laden, Lost and ruined by the fall;If you tarry till you’re better,
You will never come at all." I want to rest in His arms and give it all to him. I don't know how many times I've tried to lay it all at his feet only to pick it up again. But here I am again...trying my hardest to truly give it all to Jesus. I don't want it!!!!

Scripture Memory

Spiritual disciplines have been on my heart for awhile now. I think we can all be honest in saying that we could pray more or read the bible more or spend more time alone with God. I am excited to start studying the Spiritual Disciples with my sweet small group girls in about two months. I am excited about accountability groups that are starting too because then we have accountability as we start an in-depth study of the disciplines. I found this video tonight and it makes me feel pathetic for my lack of scripture memory...

Happy Birthday Ellie!

My niece is 3 today! I remember the day I found out that my sister was pregnant like it was just yesterday. I was so excited that I would soon have a niece or nephew. I began praying for her that day and will continue to pray for her throughout her life. When she was born I gave her a card with a prayer that I hope my sister will keep for her so when she is 16 she can see just how much I have loved her. I never want a day to go by that my little niece doesn't know how much I love her. I absolutely love and adore her and want the best for her. I pray that God will protect her nad provide for her. I pray that she will come to know the Lord and worship him the way that I do. I pray that she will be healthy and active. I pray that she would love the Lord more than the world. I pray that she would be the best big sister. I pray that she does well in school. I pray that she will marry an incredible man. I pray that she will be protect from harm. I look forward to many more birthday celebrations and thank God for the three years I've spent with her so far. I can't wait to see the little girl she will blossom into.

I love you so much Ellison Faith and pray God's blessings in your life!! Here's a video of her life thus far, what a blessing she has been to our family!