Struggling

I've been really struggling lately and not just with the baby thing. While that continues to remain painful there are some other things going on in my life. I kind of wonder if the baby thing is affecting other areas of my life a little bit too. So if you would just pray for me in all of these areas the other two of which I can't really mention yet, but will soon.

Today I am resting in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Desert Song

I am in love with the song Desert Song by Hillsong. The first time I heard it was at church and our Pastors wife was the one singing the song. Our pastor had a seizure on Thanksgiving day in 2009 and soon found out he had brain cancer. There has been much healing in his life since this day, but the first time I heard this song I saw the joy in Lauren's worship that day.

Today I was listening to this song at work and loved the lyrics even more today. So meaningful. My boss walked by and shared with me the story behind the song. Check out her story, it is so powerful.

I sit here in awe & in worship of my Lord & Savior today.

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

I Will Be Happy When...

A week later, another sermon and another conviction.

We were very lucky to have JR Vassar from Apostles Church in New York preach at our church today. I very much needed to hear this sermon. I have been very discontent lately especially at work. I've had a very heavy heart for awhile now.

Hyperreality, an exaggerated life, an embellished vision of life. Defined on wikipedia as a means to characterize the way consciousness defines what is actually "real" in a world where a multitude of media can radically shape and filter an original event or experience. Vassar talked about how we buy into a cultural standard of something. For women it is often a cultural standard of beauty.

I recall a friend of mine from college speaking on this issue as he told us just what he could make our bodies looking like after a few hours of editing. And to think that we focus on those images when we choose what we would like to look like and they aren't even real. Beyond this I could bet to say that women probably also have a hyperreality as to what they think their lives should look like. I know for me it's to have children and to be a stay-at-home mom. I think this has a lot to do with my current discontentment.

I so desire to be a mother and really didn't imagine it to take this long. When we started trying I actually saw myself leaving my job close to my year anniversary at the place I currently work. I do love my job and am so grateful for it, but I am most definitely longing for something else. I am longing to be a mother.

Vassar said something that really struck me today, "we live in a constant state of I will be happy when..." I relate to this. I don't know how often I have thought what will make me happy. I will be happy when I get married. I will be happy when I get a new car. I will be happy when we have our first kid. I will be happy when I have a job I love. I will be happy when I buy this outfit. I will be happy when...

The truth of the matter is nothing seems to ever satisfy me, I am always discontent. I have traded contentment for consumerism. I have chosen myself over Christ. I have chosen to be satisfied by my own sinful desires and not those of Christ Jesus, my Lord & Savior. He is indeed working all things together for His good. I need to be in covenant with Christ and not longing for something else to feed my needs.

Not my will, but your will be done.

I believe, help my unbelief!

This mornings sermon really hit home with me today especially in our current circumstances.

When someone tells me we will get pregnant in God's timing I really want to slap them. I want to slap them because I don't know that God has pregnancy for us, maybe he has another means for us to bring children into our family. I spoke of this the other day briefly in regards to my husband trying to comfort me during a difficult time.

So today, while I believe that we will at least adopt one child, I also believe that we will at least have the joy of giving birth to our own child. This perhaps is a very bold statement for me to make. But after today's sermon I can't help but have that faith.

In reference to Mark 9:14-32 about the demon possessed boy, his father approaches Christ to plead for help. In verse 22, he says to Jesus, if you can do anything than help us. To which Christ replies, "If I can? Anything is possible for one who believes." The words that uttered from the mans mouth are the words I choose to make my new motto.

Mark 19:24 "“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

I believe that God can allow me to get pregnant regardless. I do believe that God has ultimate control over my body. I do believe that God is good and sovereign. I do believe that these longings to be a mother are from God. I do believe that his timing is perfect.

But...

I often try to take matters into my own hands believing in my own abilities. I tend to believe that if we try at this specific time during this specific week then we will indeed get pregnant. Or if I drink this drink or eat this food it will be more likely. On and on I could go. I start to wonder if we have medical issues or something else. I begin to doubt the very things I believe to be true.

So...

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!

God is God & God is Good!

Had to share these two videos with you. They are excellent videos and a great testimony that God is still God & God is still good. To God be the Glory!

The Story of Zac Smith from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.

A Story | Tears of Hope from Adam Kring on Vimeo.

What a great reminder for me during this difficult time in our life. God is still God & God is still good regardless.

The Past Week

This week was a very tough one for me and started with many tears. Last Saturday night I was in my craft room with tears streaming down my cheeks. I requested Cody let me have some time to myself so I could process my emotions.

He meant well when he said something to the extent of we would get pregnant sometime. I lost it. I told him not to promise me something that God might not have for us. The truth is...God might not want us to bear our own children. And I am fine with that. I have a heart for adoption. And while these things are true there is still something about not having our own. I am ready to accept it and completely not able to accept it all at the same time. I think part of it is that I don't really foresee adoption to be able to take place in our lives for a while longer and I am very ready to be a mom. It's been a longing of mines for years and years now. And now I finally have the daddy to help fulfill that longing. Grateful to God for this man too!

So last Saturday night I listening to worship music and reflected on God's truth. I basked in his promises and his love for me. I so enjoyed sobbing in that room & worshiping the Creator that night. And then just before bed Cody & I decided to read Nahum, a random choice for us. And that night before bed I really reflected on Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him."

My heart remained heavy in the following days and then Tuesday night I discovered that a couple we knew had become pregnant and had not really been trying. Like I said in my previous post, some have been harder to take than others. This was one of those that sent me into a burst of emotions. This is the one that had me decide it was time we shared our journey with our parents so they could join us in prayer. We had sought prayer and comfort from close friends in our home group and friends in the same struggle, but beyond that had kept much to ourselves.

God blessed me with a snow day on Wednesday which was good because I was able to really reflect on everything. I was able to concentrate on some scriptures and really pray that day. I was able to talk to a dear friend about my struggles, one all to familiar for her. Like I said, God is good in blessing me with this day. It is just what I needed.

God pressed on my heart the following verses this day that I will continue to reflect on.

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.
Psalms 27:14

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord! O Lord, hear my voice! Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy! I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope.
Psalm 130:1-2,5

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.
Isaiah 30:18

And tonight after reading through this interview of Lauren Chandler and reading the scriptures she listed as those that spoke the most profoundly to her through this past year I discovered another great one for me to reflect on.

It is well with the man who deals generously and lends; who conducts his affairs with justice. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.
Psalm 112:6-8

Tough Subject.

I am writing today because I have decided to blog about the journey Cody & I are on. I have struggled for a while about sharing this with too many people and especially blogging about it, but have decided that I really want to do this. I have found much encouragement in the past week from a few of my friends blogs who experienced the same thing. For now, our blog will remain private and this is a way to keep our families informed and for me to express myself the way I do best, through writing.

9 months ago we made the decision to start trying to conceive. We had already not been preventing anything for the 3 months prior to that. I had hoped and thought that it would happen in about 3-6 months, why I don't really know. As you can see, that is not the plan that God had for us which at times is rather difficult for me to understand.

I have watched couple after couple get pregnant in this time period. Some have been much harder to process than others. It is difficult knowing that many who started trying around when we did will be welcoming their bundle of joy in the next month or two. I don’t know why I thought I deserved to get pregnant quickly, but I had it in my head that it wouldn’t take long for us. Now, 9 months later, it’s become a very heartbreaking thing for me. While we have not yet been coined “infertile” since that does not happen until after a year, I can’t help but let my mind wander down that road. I want to live in God's will but sometimes I really wish his plans were my plans. As if I know what's best for myself, we've seen how that works out and it's not good.

I am thankful for this time because I know that that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. I know that we are in this season for a reason and though it is very difficult at times, I am excited to see what God is teaching us. Yes, I am hoping that we will be on the other side of this sooner than later but ultimately I know that God works all things together for his good. So please join us in praying for our future and our children. I will be very raw in my blogging so at times you will probably see deep frustration and sadness, but know in it all I know that we are deeply loved by our father!

2010 in Review!

2010 was a good year for The Kitts!

We decided to take a Crown Financial class where we discovered the joy of becoming debt free. We really enjoyed the group we were with and the guy that lead it! We are excited to see how Crown continues to affect our lives over the years. We had been praying hard for a new job for myself so that we could really start to dive into debt relief.

In March, I accepted a part-time position as an administrative assistant at Christian Life Ministries. A week later the girl I was working for quit and I took over full-time as the Orphan Coordinator. What a blessing for us! It's hard to believe I've been working there for 9 months now. I love my job and am so grateful for it. I have been blessed with a great co-worker who has become a really close friend of mine. (It was just the two of us for a good portion of the last 9 months) Grateful that we recently hired some new people!

On April 21st, Nicole gave birth to Ashland Kate, who we absolutely love and adore. It was hard for me not to be there since I was there when both Ellie & Tristan were born, but I just couldn't ask for the time off so quickly after being hired. We were able to see her shortly when we came in town for Ellie's 1st dance recital. What a joy it was to see her dance and to welcome sweet little Ashland into the world! I love my role as an Aunt! It has also been neat to see Cody take on his role as an Uncle since we got married. I just wish Tristan loved me nearly as much as he loves his Cody! Cody loves his Tristan too!

Not to mention, just a few short weeks after Ashland's birth we celebrated Adam's graduation from Seminary in Fort Worth!

In May, we went to San Antonio to celebrate our 6 month Anniversary! It was a really nice weekend away and time for us to spend together. I could have dealt without the extended car ride but it was worth it for the time away!

The funny thing about summer when you are an adult is it isn't much different than any other time of the year because you don't have the entire summer off. These are the months that I am always jealous of my teacher friends. I was especially jealous this summer when we fired our bookkeeper at work the week before my co-worker lefter for Uganda for a near 2 1/2 weeks. I had to learn how to do bookkeeping in a crash 2 hour course before she left. Other than that our summer was great and just spent hanging out with friends as much as possible.

And as you may know, Cody is a BIG fan of the Rangers so we went to several games as we always do. The hotter it got the less I had any desire to go. Might I add, our summer was scorching hot this go round.

In August I decided to start a business endeavor of sorts, something I hope to make us money someday when I am a stay-at-home mom. I started making tutu's and hairbands. It quickly started into crafting blog adventure. I now blog 3-5x's a week and make tutus as often as I can. I am trying to learn to sew and recently got a sewing machine from my mother-n-law! It has been a fun journey and really looking forward to what 2011 holds from my craftiness!

This new desire to craft came at the perfect time as Cody went back to get his Master's degree in late August. I needed something to do since Cody is in class two nights a week and spends a lot of his free time studying. This is the perfect way to entertain my time!

The fall brings some of my favorite things with the circus and the state fair. These have become annual traditions for the two of us. I love going and spending that time with Cody. I hope that we get to continue these for many more years to come!

In November, we celebrated being married for one year! We spent the weekend of our Anniversary in a bed & breakfast in Willspoint, TX. We enjoyed our time there and woke up to drive in to see Ashland dedicated at church. We took off the week and just enjoyed spending time together. We ended the week staying at a hotel in Dallas and eating at restaurants where we normally wouldn't spend that much money on a meal. It was so great so spend that special time together in the midst of our crazy schedules!

Holidays are always good for us as we spend them between our two families! It had been a great year and I hope you have been very blessed by 2010. I am excited to see what 2011 holds for us! We love you all very much!

Loved & Missed, Brie Gomez

*I am warning you now this is going to be a very long post*

Sunday night I logged onto facebook at about 11:30 pm to find a status from a friend that stated, "Please pray fervently for Brie Gomez. My amazing godly friend was in an accident and is not doing well. They delivered her baby boy & he needs your prayers, too!"

I immediately began to pray for Brie and her baby boy! I knew nothing about the car accident beyond this status. I decided to go to Brie's blog that night and she had post the lyrics to the song Forever Reign that morning. As I read a portion of the lyrics my heart sunk thinking that those lyrics might be a reality in the hours to follow, of course, hoping they would not be.

I'm running to your arms
I'm running to your arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

The Gomez family was headed home to Amarillo when they were hit in a head on collision. Brie was care flighted to the hospital where they did an emergency c-section. Her little boy was born weighing 3 lbs 1 oz and was named Curran Blaec Gomez. They were both in critical condition. I began to pray for the family especially for Brie & Curran.

The next morning I discovered that Brie had passed away early int he morning and that Curran was still in critical condition but improving. My heart ached for the Gomez family. Eric, Mali & Eleri had been released from the hospital. Eleri (22 mos) had a fractured leg and Eric has a neck brace.

I began to reflect on Brie's life and what I knew of her. I began to read comment after comment that friends and family were leaving on Brie's facebook page. I read blog posts that I had read many times before. There was one common theme. Brie was an incredible wife, mother and a Godly woman. She had impacted many lives and love God with all of her heart.

Life can be so much shorter than we ever imagined. Brie probably had hopes to raising her children, watching them get married, aging with Eric, welcoming grandkids and on and on I could go. But for some reason, God had a much different plan. Sometimes I forget that my days are numbered and I don't know how many days there are. Do I live my life as if I might die tomorrow? Could people say about me what they have said about Brie? I aspire to be an amazing wife, mother and Godly woman, but often times I don't really give it my best. Brie has left a lasting impression on my life and many other lives. She will not be forgottten!

Please continue to pray for the Gomez/White families! Her husbands name is Eric and they have three children, Mali, Eleri & Curran. Mali is 6 years old, Eleri is 22 months and Curran was just born! Pray that they would each be comforted and encouraged during this difficult time.

Here is her obituary.
A special tribute.

Gee Family Reunion

I just wanted to share a few photos from our weekend with the Gee family. We didn't get very of the entire family. Actually, I didn't get any of the rest of my family which isn't very cool.

We had a blast though and I can't wait to spend time with everyone again!

Snoopy

Snoopy & I had a rough start at a relationship with one another. I always thought he was super cute but his puppy phase was surely annoying as he chewed up important things like my brand new honeymoon swimsuit. Despite the fact that sometimes I wanted to give him a good swift kick I have far more happy memories with that pooch!

Cody would work all day and then come to my place at night while we were dating. I didn't really have much of a job so I would often times go to Plano to run Snoopy or spend the day on the couch with him. We had many days of bonding as I felt guilty that he spent too much time in his crate. However, as I stated before he was a chewer so the crate was his only option.

Over the past year Snoopy has lived with me in this house. Even before we got married Snoopy moved in for the most part because we got a new dog for him to play with. Abby & Snoopy have loved each other very much and spend all their time together. They share a crate during the day and sleep curled up with one another on their dog bed next to our bed. She will surely miss her brother!

Snoopy was always so playful! If you spoke to him he would then run to find one of his rope toys because that meant you wanted to play. He was constantly pulling rope toys out of his toy box trying to get us or Abby to play tug of war. He loved running with his dad or his slow mom if that was his only choice. He loved his daddy giving him a treat every morning before he left for work. And his most recent love was the dog park. Snoopy loved going and running the fence line sniffing out whatever he could possibly sniff and playing with all the other dogs. It's going to be very different just taking Abby.

Snoopy was such a cute puppy with his big ol' basset ears and his random basset paw. His right paw would pop out to the right unlike any of his other paws. His ears were so soft and I loved to pet them. It's going to be very hard to not have him around our house anymore. There is most definitely a void this morning.

Snoopy, you will be greatly missed by your parents and sister, Abby. Not to mention our extended families and close friends. Snoopy was loved by everyone that met him.

Gee Family Reunion

Since my GeeMa died in 2003 our family has continually said that we needed to have a family reunion. This past year Uncle Roy passed away and we enjoyed seeing the other have of the Gee family and again we said let's have a reunion soon. My wedding was a mini-reunion for everyone but me since I was off on my honeymoon when they all had brunch together.

I keep saying it's going to happen we are going to do something. I have looked at beach house rentals a few times to see if I could find us a good deal. I talk to my cousin, Angie about planning something. We were going to plan something soon, but had probably both put it on the back burner a little.

This week my cousin, Donna, wrote on my moms wall that she would be moving to Germany in October and that she wanted to see us before she left. So I decided it was the perfect time to plan that family reunion we've all been talking about for 7 years. Everything has fallen into place so quickly and we will now be having the Gee Family Reunion October 15th017th. I'm very excited about being together with my family! It's going to be a weekend full of laughter and fun!

This is my family plus my mom's two sisters Nancy & Peggy!

This is a picture of a good portion of the Gee family from my wedding. On the left you will see Uncle Roy's family and on the right my Granddads side.

Socially Awkward

Yesterday we went out to lunch with some friends and the first thing I did was run to the restroom. When I returned I found all 3 people sitting playing with their phones and not engaging in one another. One checking emails, another checking facebook and one checking ESPN.

I told everyone that I wished to be engaged instead of grabbing my own phone out of my purse. By no means do I not fall into the trap of grabbing my phone to look at something or playing a game during "dead" time. But I have been thinking about this a lot lately and it drives me nuts that people can't spend time together anymore because of the distractions their cell phones are.

My favorite is when you are with a bunch of people and they are playing words with friends with one another or texting each other. Again, I have done it but more so because I wanted to be engaged with the people in the room and knew that the only way I could was to hop on my cell to play them in a game. What has happened to our social skills? Have we truly lost the ability to engage in conversation or keep one another entertained?

I believe that I used to have really great social skills, but I think they have dwindled because of social media. It's so much easier to text or message someone on facebook than to have a real conversation with them. I find that when I am stuck talking to someone I just met I have nothing to say but if you put a screen between us I could probably talk for hours. Just last week I was eating lunch with a girl and she told me how she doesn't like talking on the phone and I thought me too. Which my parents probably wished was the case when I was in high school. I could have talked for hours on the phone, but about what? I can barely talk to someone for 20 minutes now without running out of things to talk about even though five minutes after we hang up I might text them or message them to talk more.

To top it all off Geoff Ashley was talking about distractions we have in our lives that keep us from our pursuit of a relationship with Christ. Which makes me really consider the social media thing as something I should get rid of not only to keep me from being distracted from God but also from allowing me to be so disengaged in my friendships.

But...facebook for example while it creates an avenue for me to be engaged with my friends and keep up with people I may not have otherwise also becomes a huge distraction from my life and my relationship with God. I often find myself checking facebook statuses endlessly and even glancing at it on my phone to see if someone has written something on my wall or sent me something. Why do I feel the need?

My goal is to leave my phone in my purse more and engage my friends and the people I am with more. And also to check my facebook less often.

The Great Date Experiment

I absolutely love my church and wouldn't go anywhere else unless God drug me there. With that being said, the only thing that I don't like is that there is really no marriage enrichment. Being that we are young marrieds we'd love to enrich our marriage now and start developing a healthy marital relationship. Our church provided excellent premarital counseling, but now what? Besides the occasional sermon of course.

I have a mentor relationship with a woman I admire and desire to be more like and that has been such an encouragement for me in my pursuit to be a good wife. Cody doesn't have something like this as of yet. And we don't have anything we can do together either aside from reading the bible together and praying together. We need to get involved in some sort of home group but they are out for summer so we will have to wait for a little bit longer.

I want to be challenged. I want to attend a seminar or a retreat. I want something that really will help enrich our marriage and maybe something that isn't even spiritual. By all means, I do want spiritual enrichment but there are some things in marriage that are simply just a reminder that people are different and we need to learn how to live together. I have been seeking a challenge whether it be just as a wife or as a couple and today I found just that so I encourage you my married friends to be challenged as well.

This is a challenge that lasts six months. The fact that it lasts six months will be extremely beneficial for those of you who have kids and really do have to schedule a date night on the calendar if you want to make it happen. We are still lucky enough to squeeze in at least one a week. This challenge has you set aside for a date a month for six months. We will start our first date in July and work our way through it. Hoping some of you will take this challenge as well and we can share with one another our experiences.

So go...be challenged.

http://www.marriedlifeonline.com/greatdate_np.jsp

Tristan's Two!

Tristan Michael turned 2 on the 17th and we got to celebrate on Saturday!!

Tristan's new fire engine. He loved this so much that when we left for lunch he tried to take it with us. And when we went swimming he wanted to get out of the pool and into the fire truck. Gramma got a great gift!

Lunch at Genghis Grill with a special dessert for the Birthday Boy!

Tristan had fun wearing my sunglasses!

Mmm, Happy 2nd Birthday to Tristan!! He was far more interested in the cars on the cake and not the cake itself.

It took awhile, but he finally started playing in the cake. A DQ ice cream cake!

The first present Tristan opened was his cars and he wasn't all that interested in the other gifts until they were opened and ready to play with.


Tristan playing with his cars and pushing his new lawn mower at the same time. But at least he played with the mower or vacuum as he says. Cody & I gave him the mower!

Grad School

I would just like to announce that Cody has been accepted into grad school at UNT. He will hopefully start school in August if all goes as planned. I am very excited for him in his endeavor to get his Masters degree.

Please be praying for us for the funds to pay for his education as we wish not to take out any loans for this part of his education.

Six Months

This month we celebrated six months of marriage together. Over this past weekend we went to San Antonio for a mini-vacation to celebrate! Cody surprised me with the trip a couple weeks ago and I was excited to get away to spend time together. Our lives have been so hectic, especially lately that this weekend was perfect for us.

Baby B's Arrival

I am excited to report that my newest niece has entered the world. Baby B was born at 12:43 pm weighing 6 lbs 15 oz and 20 1/2 inches long. She is a very beautiful little girl! I have been told that she doesn't have as much hair as her siblings did but still a lot and it's lighter.

I can't wait to get to Tyler to hold Baby B and hopefully by the time I get there I can call her by her name and not by Baby B! Continue to pray for her health especially since there was a minor scare in the beginning! Cody & I are very excited to go visit her on Friday!

Shrub 3's Arrival

This week my sister will be giving birth to her third child and I am beyond sad that I won't be there for the first time. It makes me sad that I won't be there to greet the little one upon their arrival here. I enjoyed getting to be there for both Ellie & Tristan's birth. However, I am very excited that this week I will have a new niece or nephew!! I can't wait to meet them and love on them. When I get there Friday I probably won't want to let go of them.

Ellie's Birth
01/20/2006



Tristan's Birth
06/17/2008


Pray that Baby Bush "Shrub" arrives safely and that mommy & baby are healthy! Cody & I will be traveling to Tyler for the weekend to see Ellie's dance recital and to meet the newest member of the family. Also, pray for me that I won't be too sad about not being there because right now it is really hard for me to imagine not being apart of this.

Weight Loss Frustrations

This is exactly how I feel about it...we both make the changes and he sees immediate results and I see nothing. Not fair.