I visited my family this weekend for one last Texas visit before they move to Georgia. I am going to miss these kids being just 2 hours away, but at least I'll see them for longer.
LOVE THEM!!
LOVE THEM!!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
You Are Faithful
Our church recently released the CD, God of Victory. It's absolutely my favorite and you should probably get it. I listen to it at least once a day if not more. One of the songs in particular I could listen to ALL day long...
You Are Faithful written by Lauren Chandler
Faithful are you
and gracious to us
That you should save us
a guilty race
A name so holy
so sweet yet mighty
How could you place it
on your heads?
You are faithful
You are gracious
You alone are God
Faithful are you
and gracious to us
That you should save us
a guilty race
A name so holy
so sweet yet mighty
How could you place it
on your heads?
You are faithful
You are gracious
You alone are God
Forever praised
You are faithful
You are gracious
You alone are God
Yeshua Yeshua Yeshua, Yeshua
Your name will always be, the only covering
Over all my guilt and shame, Your Name
You are faithful
You are gracious
You alone are God
You Are Faithful written by Lauren Chandler
Faithful are you
and gracious to us
That you should save us
a guilty race
A name so holy
so sweet yet mighty
How could you place it
on your heads?
You are faithful
You are gracious
You alone are God
Faithful are you
and gracious to us
That you should save us
a guilty race
A name so holy
so sweet yet mighty
How could you place it
on your heads?
You are faithful
You are gracious
You alone are God
Forever praised
You are faithful
You are gracious
You alone are God
Yeshua Yeshua Yeshua, Yeshua
Your name will always be, the only covering
Over all my guilt and shame, Your Name
You are faithful
You are gracious
You alone are God
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Vulnerable
Being vulnerable enough to share your story with someone is rather difficult. I feel like sometimes I am just an open book and will share everything while other times I'm shut tight. Turns out I've not been as open about our struggle with those around me as I've been here behind this computer screen. I am protected as I sit here on my couch and you sit wherever you are right now...your couch, your desk, a coffee shop.
There is protection for me being apart from you. I can cry freely and don't have to hold in my emotions when you say something nice in return, I can just cry. I cry a lot and always have. But for some reason I HATE crying in front of other people. I always choke back the tears and try to stand firm in my emotions as if I am any good at it.
One thing I do know is that if I have had the courage to tell you about my pain I sure wish you'd be considerate of my feelings. I wish you'd ask me how it's going from time to time. Sometimes I think people become so crippled by heartache that they don't know how to respond.
I remember when my grandparents died my friends almost became non-existent because they didn't know what to say or how to encourage me. It hurts to grieve alone. I find this to the be the same case in this situation because people don't know how to respond so a lot of times you grieve alone. I promise it's okay to talk to me about our situation. I might cry, but that's okay. Or I might not want to talk about it and that's okay to, I will be grateful you asked. I'd much rather know you care then think you could care less.
There is protection for me being apart from you. I can cry freely and don't have to hold in my emotions when you say something nice in return, I can just cry. I cry a lot and always have. But for some reason I HATE crying in front of other people. I always choke back the tears and try to stand firm in my emotions as if I am any good at it.
One thing I do know is that if I have had the courage to tell you about my pain I sure wish you'd be considerate of my feelings. I wish you'd ask me how it's going from time to time. Sometimes I think people become so crippled by heartache that they don't know how to respond.
I remember when my grandparents died my friends almost became non-existent because they didn't know what to say or how to encourage me. It hurts to grieve alone. I find this to the be the same case in this situation because people don't know how to respond so a lot of times you grieve alone. I promise it's okay to talk to me about our situation. I might cry, but that's okay. Or I might not want to talk about it and that's okay to, I will be grateful you asked. I'd much rather know you care then think you could care less.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Better or Worse?
Have you noticed that regardless of your circumstances there is always someone that has it better or worse than you? Always.
This just goes to show that if you get this thing you really want that it's not going to complete you. If you buy a new car it's only new until you drive it off the lot and then someone else has a newer car than you. If you buy the iPad it's only a matter of days before the iPad2 comes out leaving you longing for what's better. This remains true for difficult life circumstances and joyous life circumstances.
I think about how some people get cancer and survive years where others get the same thing and die quickly. Sometimes it seems that when you think about your circumstances you can't imagine how you could handle anything else as your about to burst at the seams and then you hear the prayer request of a friend and suddenly your heartache seems meaningless.
I have been in a difficult season while struggling with infertility, job frustrations (seen victory here) and with the recent news of my sister moving to Atlanta. I've cried a lot lately in regards to longing for a baby and wishing my sister wasn't moving so far away. I try to put on this happy face most of the time and mask my emotions in front of others unless they ask and then I am an open book. The emails, messages and random phone calls where someone tells me they are praying for me causes me to cry every time. It's so encouraging to know how loved I am and how prayed over we are. We are so grateful for your encouraging words and prayers!!
Monday night my family cried as they said goodbye to my sister (we will see her again at Easter) and I said I wouldn't cry and I didn't...until I got in my car alone 20 minutes later. Then I sobbed uncontrollably all the way home, but cleared my tears before walking into the house. I have since scheduled a weekend with my sister to be alone and to cherish a weekend with just us and the kids. I am going to miss her being close and those nieces and nephew of mine. I love them so much and have been such an active part of their lives. It's going to be hard to not be as active since there will be 13 hours between us instead of just 2. It's going to be hard to not be there for every birthday, baptism, recital and so forth. It's going to be difficult to not just make a day trip if I want to. It will be a challenge but I can do it. We can video chat, email, text, call and I can send cards & gifts for every special occasion. I have to say I loved this about my Aunt Nancy as a little child. Every little holiday that came, a special card was found in the mail from her. It's time I adopt this tradition and spoil those kids in a new way. I will miss convenience but am still so blessed. While my circumstances aren't better like I would have wished, they aren't exactly worse. Stories of sibling loss remind me just how lucky I am. I will miss her, but she is still just a phone call away.
I had a doctors appointment this week that left me a little scared although trusting in God allows that fear to disappear. I had a hard time telling my best friend about it as I knew what she was going through with her own daughter had far more significance. I knew I had to tell her because I wouldn't want to spring something on her if bad news came from the work done to me. I let her know, but all the while thinking that my circumstances seemed so insignificant in the light of things although to me at that time seemed difficult. Chelsey's 2-year-old daughter had blood drawn to see if she has Alper's disease. This is far more concerning than what I could have. My circumstances only seem painful to me until I am reminded of what everyone is going through. My heart aches for others and I am in prayer constantly for them. Last Christmas when Kiersten (Chelsey's daughter) was diagnosed with epilepsy I remember Chelsey saying something along the lines of "while my circumstances are so painful, I see much more heartache around me." I am reminded of this time and time again.
This also goes true for the opposite as when things do seem great there are always people who have it better. It just reminds me that while here on earth we will never be satisfied and will always long for something. We allow ourselves to fill the void of Christ with meaningless things and forget to have our focus on the cross. I would not have fears about the outcomes of my results if I put all my trust in God and rested on his promises! I long to be fulfilled in Christ!! I long to rid myself of idols that leave me empty and longing for more. My desires are for Christ and Christ alone, but I keep allowing things to step between me.
This just goes to show that if you get this thing you really want that it's not going to complete you. If you buy a new car it's only new until you drive it off the lot and then someone else has a newer car than you. If you buy the iPad it's only a matter of days before the iPad2 comes out leaving you longing for what's better. This remains true for difficult life circumstances and joyous life circumstances.
I think about how some people get cancer and survive years where others get the same thing and die quickly. Sometimes it seems that when you think about your circumstances you can't imagine how you could handle anything else as your about to burst at the seams and then you hear the prayer request of a friend and suddenly your heartache seems meaningless.
I have been in a difficult season while struggling with infertility, job frustrations (seen victory here) and with the recent news of my sister moving to Atlanta. I've cried a lot lately in regards to longing for a baby and wishing my sister wasn't moving so far away. I try to put on this happy face most of the time and mask my emotions in front of others unless they ask and then I am an open book. The emails, messages and random phone calls where someone tells me they are praying for me causes me to cry every time. It's so encouraging to know how loved I am and how prayed over we are. We are so grateful for your encouraging words and prayers!!
Monday night my family cried as they said goodbye to my sister (we will see her again at Easter) and I said I wouldn't cry and I didn't...until I got in my car alone 20 minutes later. Then I sobbed uncontrollably all the way home, but cleared my tears before walking into the house. I have since scheduled a weekend with my sister to be alone and to cherish a weekend with just us and the kids. I am going to miss her being close and those nieces and nephew of mine. I love them so much and have been such an active part of their lives. It's going to be hard to not be as active since there will be 13 hours between us instead of just 2. It's going to be hard to not be there for every birthday, baptism, recital and so forth. It's going to be difficult to not just make a day trip if I want to. It will be a challenge but I can do it. We can video chat, email, text, call and I can send cards & gifts for every special occasion. I have to say I loved this about my Aunt Nancy as a little child. Every little holiday that came, a special card was found in the mail from her. It's time I adopt this tradition and spoil those kids in a new way. I will miss convenience but am still so blessed. While my circumstances aren't better like I would have wished, they aren't exactly worse. Stories of sibling loss remind me just how lucky I am. I will miss her, but she is still just a phone call away.
I had a doctors appointment this week that left me a little scared although trusting in God allows that fear to disappear. I had a hard time telling my best friend about it as I knew what she was going through with her own daughter had far more significance. I knew I had to tell her because I wouldn't want to spring something on her if bad news came from the work done to me. I let her know, but all the while thinking that my circumstances seemed so insignificant in the light of things although to me at that time seemed difficult. Chelsey's 2-year-old daughter had blood drawn to see if she has Alper's disease. This is far more concerning than what I could have. My circumstances only seem painful to me until I am reminded of what everyone is going through. My heart aches for others and I am in prayer constantly for them. Last Christmas when Kiersten (Chelsey's daughter) was diagnosed with epilepsy I remember Chelsey saying something along the lines of "while my circumstances are so painful, I see much more heartache around me." I am reminded of this time and time again.
This also goes true for the opposite as when things do seem great there are always people who have it better. It just reminds me that while here on earth we will never be satisfied and will always long for something. We allow ourselves to fill the void of Christ with meaningless things and forget to have our focus on the cross. I would not have fears about the outcomes of my results if I put all my trust in God and rested on his promises! I long to be fulfilled in Christ!! I long to rid myself of idols that leave me empty and longing for more. My desires are for Christ and Christ alone, but I keep allowing things to step between me.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Another Good Scripture
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.
28 Let him sit alone in silence,
for the LORD has laid it on him.
Lamentations 3:22-28
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Struggle to Connect
Having a hard time lately struggling to connect or relate with anyone. I feel like we are struck in the middle between single friends and married with children. We've got a ton of single friends who we adore, but we are in different life stages. So we choose to only spend so much time with them as we need to be developing relationships with other married couples, but then we run into the problem of all our married friends having children or children on the way.
It's getting hard to spend a lot of time with people who have children because all they talk about is their children. I long so much to be a mother! There is part of me that feels so completely sinful that I can't just be content with my circumstances as if longing to be a mother is a bad thing. I get angry with myself when I am sad because others have children to talk about, but at the same time I think I need to protect my heart a little. I feel so struck with how I feel and the emotions involved in this process.
I have to say I am blessed because I have met a few people who I can talk to about this struggle who understand my struggle and have been there. God has been very good to me in this area and I am so thankful for those friendships.
It's getting hard to spend a lot of time with people who have children because all they talk about is their children. I long so much to be a mother! There is part of me that feels so completely sinful that I can't just be content with my circumstances as if longing to be a mother is a bad thing. I get angry with myself when I am sad because others have children to talk about, but at the same time I think I need to protect my heart a little. I feel so struck with how I feel and the emotions involved in this process.
I have to say I am blessed because I have met a few people who I can talk to about this struggle who understand my struggle and have been there. God has been very good to me in this area and I am so thankful for those friendships.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Meaningful Lyrics
Occasionally I hear a song that speaks to me in an extraordinary way. I heard this song at work recently and wrote it down on a post it note to remember. I sit here reading the lyrics today and it really has me thinking.
Song: What Do I Know of Holy? by Addison Road
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
Song: What Do I Know of Holy? by Addison Road
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
I recently decided it was time I finally buckle down and read the bible through. To stop coming up with excuses not to. So while I am only 7 days in I am determined to continue & will see it through. As I sit here reading these lyrics it reminds me how crucial it is to read the bible through. The only way I can know who God is is by reading about him in scriptures.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Doctors Appointment
I feel a little bit odd writing this one out, but I would really appreciate the prayers. I have a doctors appointment on March 31st to do a coloscopy from an abnormal pap. My doctor says its nothing to worry about and that it's the most common abnormal pap, but I can't help but worry. I am already praying that when I go everything will be clear & no signs of whatever caused the abnormal results to begin with.
Thanks for the continued prayers for us.
Thanks for the continued prayers for us.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Facebook Hiatus
It's time I take another break from facebook but this time for longer. If you need me then I am pretty sure you can find me...
It's getting hard for me to be on facebook because literally every time I log on I see another pregnancy announcement or perhaps even another baby is born. While I am happy for all of my friends, my heart can't take any more news. So since I can control the amount I take in from facebook I will be away for some time. I cannot control the zillions of belly bumps I see in the mall or the conversations I hear behind me in line about pregnancy etc. I hate that I feel like this and that I really need a break because it hurts to hear the news, but it's just the truth and I am just being honest with you. Not to mention the break would be good for many other reasons.
Continue to pray for us as we desire to become parents!
It's getting hard for me to be on facebook because literally every time I log on I see another pregnancy announcement or perhaps even another baby is born. While I am happy for all of my friends, my heart can't take any more news. So since I can control the amount I take in from facebook I will be away for some time. I cannot control the zillions of belly bumps I see in the mall or the conversations I hear behind me in line about pregnancy etc. I hate that I feel like this and that I really need a break because it hurts to hear the news, but it's just the truth and I am just being honest with you. Not to mention the break would be good for many other reasons.
Continue to pray for us as we desire to become parents!
Monday, March 14, 2011
When talking about your kids...
I am reading the book Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. Honestly, if we are close or if you know anyone going through infertility or loss challenges then you should pick up this great book. At the end of each chapter she has a section called 'Burden Bearers' which is specifically written for you and not the one struggling.
In the first chapter she made a great suggestion that everyone should learn from:
"When you are meeting someone new, don't start your conversation with 'So, do you have any kids?' While innocent enough, such questions can make me feel like a dear caught in your headlights. Instead try something open-ended such as 'Tell me a bit about yourself.' Anyone in a less-than-ideal life circumstance (unfulfilled desires for a spouse, unemployed, and so on) will appreciate such an approach."
I know that for certain our struggle has taught me to be cautious about how I say things or how often I brag or complain about my life circumstances. I am especially trying to be cautious about my marriage as I still have several friends who long to be married. While they are very happy for me, the last thing I want to do is talk about my marriage all the time.
So I guess today I want to share a burden bearer with you from my own perspective. For all I know, this might be one Jennifer shares later on in the book but I'm only at Chapter 4. So what I want to share with you is...
If I say to you that I want children please do not tell me that I can have yours if I want since they are driving you crazy. I will gladly take your kids and you can trade me for my circumstances, that's fine by me. I'd love to take your kids as my own. While I don't at all doubt that your kids are driving you crazy and you could use a date night or a break from your kids, your small little phrase makes a bottle of emotions explode within me. Please kindly say I love my kids and I hope you can experience the joy of parenthood soon. But please refrain from ever discouraging someone from having kids who says they want to have kids. If you are really needing a break then I would be happy to watch your kids for you so you can have a date night, but I can guarantee you don't really want to give up your kids. However, if you do we can surely arrange something.
In the first chapter she made a great suggestion that everyone should learn from:
"When you are meeting someone new, don't start your conversation with 'So, do you have any kids?' While innocent enough, such questions can make me feel like a dear caught in your headlights. Instead try something open-ended such as 'Tell me a bit about yourself.' Anyone in a less-than-ideal life circumstance (unfulfilled desires for a spouse, unemployed, and so on) will appreciate such an approach."
I know that for certain our struggle has taught me to be cautious about how I say things or how often I brag or complain about my life circumstances. I am especially trying to be cautious about my marriage as I still have several friends who long to be married. While they are very happy for me, the last thing I want to do is talk about my marriage all the time.
So I guess today I want to share a burden bearer with you from my own perspective. For all I know, this might be one Jennifer shares later on in the book but I'm only at Chapter 4. So what I want to share with you is...
If I say to you that I want children please do not tell me that I can have yours if I want since they are driving you crazy. I will gladly take your kids and you can trade me for my circumstances, that's fine by me. I'd love to take your kids as my own. While I don't at all doubt that your kids are driving you crazy and you could use a date night or a break from your kids, your small little phrase makes a bottle of emotions explode within me. Please kindly say I love my kids and I hope you can experience the joy of parenthood soon. But please refrain from ever discouraging someone from having kids who says they want to have kids. If you are really needing a break then I would be happy to watch your kids for you so you can have a date night, but I can guarantee you don't really want to give up your kids. However, if you do we can surely arrange something.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Struggling
I've been really struggling lately and not just with the baby thing. While that continues to remain painful there are some other things going on in my life. I kind of wonder if the baby thing is affecting other areas of my life a little bit too. So if you would just pray for me in all of these areas the other two of which I can't really mention yet, but will soon.
Today I am resting in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Today I am resting in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Monday, February 28, 2011
Desert Song
I am in love with the song Desert Song by Hillsong. The first time I heard it was at church and our Pastors wife was the one singing the song. Our pastor had a seizure on Thanksgiving day in 2009 and soon found out he had brain cancer. There has been much healing in his life since this day, but the first time I heard this song I saw the joy in Lauren's worship that day.
Today I was listening to this song at work and loved the lyrics even more today. So meaningful. My boss walked by and shared with me the story behind the song. Check out her story, it is so powerful.
Today I was listening to this song at work and loved the lyrics even more today. So meaningful. My boss walked by and shared with me the story behind the song. Check out her story, it is so powerful.
I sit here in awe & in worship of my Lord & Savior today.
Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I Will Be Happy When...
A week later, another sermon and another conviction.
We were very lucky to have JR Vassar from Apostles Church in New York preach at our church today. I very much needed to hear this sermon. I have been very discontent lately especially at work. I've had a very heavy heart for awhile now.
Hyperreality, an exaggerated life, an embellished vision of life. Defined on wikipedia as a means to characterize the way consciousness defines what is actually "real" in a world where a multitude of media can radically shape and filter an original event or experience. Vassar talked about how we buy into a cultural standard of something. For women it is often a cultural standard of beauty.
I recall a friend of mine from college speaking on this issue as he told us just what he could make our bodies looking like after a few hours of editing. And to think that we focus on those images when we choose what we would like to look like and they aren't even real. Beyond this I could bet to say that women probably also have a hyperreality as to what they think their lives should look like. I know for me it's to have children and to be a stay-at-home mom. I think this has a lot to do with my current discontentment.
I so desire to be a mother and really didn't imagine it to take this long. When we started trying I actually saw myself leaving my job close to my year anniversary at the place I currently work. I do love my job and am so grateful for it, but I am most definitely longing for something else. I am longing to be a mother.
Vassar said something that really struck me today, "we live in a constant state of I will be happy when..." I relate to this. I don't know how often I have thought what will make me happy. I will be happy when I get married. I will be happy when I get a new car. I will be happy when we have our first kid. I will be happy when I have a job I love. I will be happy when I buy this outfit. I will be happy when...
The truth of the matter is nothing seems to ever satisfy me, I am always discontent. I have traded contentment for consumerism. I have chosen myself over Christ. I have chosen to be satisfied by my own sinful desires and not those of Christ Jesus, my Lord & Savior. He is indeed working all things together for His good. I need to be in covenant with Christ and not longing for something else to feed my needs.
Not my will, but your will be done.
We were very lucky to have JR Vassar from Apostles Church in New York preach at our church today. I very much needed to hear this sermon. I have been very discontent lately especially at work. I've had a very heavy heart for awhile now.
Hyperreality, an exaggerated life, an embellished vision of life. Defined on wikipedia as a means to characterize the way consciousness defines what is actually "real" in a world where a multitude of media can radically shape and filter an original event or experience. Vassar talked about how we buy into a cultural standard of something. For women it is often a cultural standard of beauty.
I recall a friend of mine from college speaking on this issue as he told us just what he could make our bodies looking like after a few hours of editing. And to think that we focus on those images when we choose what we would like to look like and they aren't even real. Beyond this I could bet to say that women probably also have a hyperreality as to what they think their lives should look like. I know for me it's to have children and to be a stay-at-home mom. I think this has a lot to do with my current discontentment.
I so desire to be a mother and really didn't imagine it to take this long. When we started trying I actually saw myself leaving my job close to my year anniversary at the place I currently work. I do love my job and am so grateful for it, but I am most definitely longing for something else. I am longing to be a mother.
Vassar said something that really struck me today, "we live in a constant state of I will be happy when..." I relate to this. I don't know how often I have thought what will make me happy. I will be happy when I get married. I will be happy when I get a new car. I will be happy when we have our first kid. I will be happy when I have a job I love. I will be happy when I buy this outfit. I will be happy when...
The truth of the matter is nothing seems to ever satisfy me, I am always discontent. I have traded contentment for consumerism. I have chosen myself over Christ. I have chosen to be satisfied by my own sinful desires and not those of Christ Jesus, my Lord & Savior. He is indeed working all things together for His good. I need to be in covenant with Christ and not longing for something else to feed my needs.
Not my will, but your will be done.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I believe, help my unbelief!
This mornings sermon really hit home with me today especially in our current circumstances.
When someone tells me we will get pregnant in God's timing I really want to slap them. I want to slap them because I don't know that God has pregnancy for us, maybe he has another means for us to bring children into our family. I spoke of this the other day briefly in regards to my husband trying to comfort me during a difficult time.
So today, while I believe that we will at least adopt one child, I also believe that we will at least have the joy of giving birth to our own child. This perhaps is a very bold statement for me to make. But after today's sermon I can't help but have that faith.
In reference to Mark 9:14-32 about the demon possessed boy, his father approaches Christ to plead for help. In verse 22, he says to Jesus, if you can do anything than help us. To which Christ replies, "If I can? Anything is possible for one who believes." The words that uttered from the mans mouth are the words I choose to make my new motto.
Mark 19:24 "“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
I believe that God can allow me to get pregnant regardless. I do believe that God has ultimate control over my body. I do believe that God is good and sovereign. I do believe that these longings to be a mother are from God. I do believe that his timing is perfect.
But...
I often try to take matters into my own hands believing in my own abilities. I tend to believe that if we try at this specific time during this specific week then we will indeed get pregnant. Or if I drink this drink or eat this food it will be more likely. On and on I could go. I start to wonder if we have medical issues or something else. I begin to doubt the very things I believe to be true.
So...
Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!
When someone tells me we will get pregnant in God's timing I really want to slap them. I want to slap them because I don't know that God has pregnancy for us, maybe he has another means for us to bring children into our family. I spoke of this the other day briefly in regards to my husband trying to comfort me during a difficult time.
So today, while I believe that we will at least adopt one child, I also believe that we will at least have the joy of giving birth to our own child. This perhaps is a very bold statement for me to make. But after today's sermon I can't help but have that faith.
In reference to Mark 9:14-32 about the demon possessed boy, his father approaches Christ to plead for help. In verse 22, he says to Jesus, if you can do anything than help us. To which Christ replies, "If I can? Anything is possible for one who believes." The words that uttered from the mans mouth are the words I choose to make my new motto.
Mark 19:24 "“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
I believe that God can allow me to get pregnant regardless. I do believe that God has ultimate control over my body. I do believe that God is good and sovereign. I do believe that these longings to be a mother are from God. I do believe that his timing is perfect.
But...
I often try to take matters into my own hands believing in my own abilities. I tend to believe that if we try at this specific time during this specific week then we will indeed get pregnant. Or if I drink this drink or eat this food it will be more likely. On and on I could go. I start to wonder if we have medical issues or something else. I begin to doubt the very things I believe to be true.
So...
Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
God is God & God is Good!
Had to share these two videos with you. They are excellent videos and a great testimony that God is still God & God is still good. To God be the Glory!
The Story of Zac Smith from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.
A Story | Tears of Hope from Adam Kring on Vimeo.
What a great reminder for me during this difficult time in our life. God is still God & God is still good regardless.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The Past Week
This week was a very tough one for me and started with many tears. Last Saturday night I was in my craft room with tears streaming down my cheeks. I requested Cody let me have some time to myself so I could process my emotions.
He meant well when he said something to the extent of we would get pregnant sometime. I lost it. I told him not to promise me something that God might not have for us. The truth is...God might not want us to bear our own children. And I am fine with that. I have a heart for adoption. And while these things are true there is still something about not having our own. I am ready to accept it and completely not able to accept it all at the same time. I think part of it is that I don't really foresee adoption to be able to take place in our lives for a while longer and I am very ready to be a mom. It's been a longing of mines for years and years now. And now I finally have the daddy to help fulfill that longing. Grateful to God for this man too!
So last Saturday night I listening to worship music and reflected on God's truth. I basked in his promises and his love for me. I so enjoyed sobbing in that room & worshiping the Creator that night. And then just before bed Cody & I decided to read Nahum, a random choice for us. And that night before bed I really reflected on Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him."
My heart remained heavy in the following days and then Tuesday night I discovered that a couple we knew had become pregnant and had not really been trying. Like I said in my previous post, some have been harder to take than others. This was one of those that sent me into a burst of emotions. This is the one that had me decide it was time we shared our journey with our parents so they could join us in prayer. We had sought prayer and comfort from close friends in our home group and friends in the same struggle, but beyond that had kept much to ourselves.
God blessed me with a snow day on Wednesday which was good because I was able to really reflect on everything. I was able to concentrate on some scriptures and really pray that day. I was able to talk to a dear friend about my struggles, one all to familiar for her. Like I said, God is good in blessing me with this day. It is just what I needed.
God pressed on my heart the following verses this day that I will continue to reflect on.
Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.
Psalms 27:14
Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord! O Lord, hear my voice! Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy! I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope.
Psalm 130:1-2,5
Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.
Isaiah 30:18
And tonight after reading through this interview of Lauren Chandler and reading the scriptures she listed as those that spoke the most profoundly to her through this past year I discovered another great one for me to reflect on.
It is well with the man who deals generously and lends; who conducts his affairs with justice. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.
Psalm 112:6-8
He meant well when he said something to the extent of we would get pregnant sometime. I lost it. I told him not to promise me something that God might not have for us. The truth is...God might not want us to bear our own children. And I am fine with that. I have a heart for adoption. And while these things are true there is still something about not having our own. I am ready to accept it and completely not able to accept it all at the same time. I think part of it is that I don't really foresee adoption to be able to take place in our lives for a while longer and I am very ready to be a mom. It's been a longing of mines for years and years now. And now I finally have the daddy to help fulfill that longing. Grateful to God for this man too!
So last Saturday night I listening to worship music and reflected on God's truth. I basked in his promises and his love for me. I so enjoyed sobbing in that room & worshiping the Creator that night. And then just before bed Cody & I decided to read Nahum, a random choice for us. And that night before bed I really reflected on Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him."
My heart remained heavy in the following days and then Tuesday night I discovered that a couple we knew had become pregnant and had not really been trying. Like I said in my previous post, some have been harder to take than others. This was one of those that sent me into a burst of emotions. This is the one that had me decide it was time we shared our journey with our parents so they could join us in prayer. We had sought prayer and comfort from close friends in our home group and friends in the same struggle, but beyond that had kept much to ourselves.
God blessed me with a snow day on Wednesday which was good because I was able to really reflect on everything. I was able to concentrate on some scriptures and really pray that day. I was able to talk to a dear friend about my struggles, one all to familiar for her. Like I said, God is good in blessing me with this day. It is just what I needed.
God pressed on my heart the following verses this day that I will continue to reflect on.
Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.
Psalms 27:14
Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord! O Lord, hear my voice! Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy! I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope.
Psalm 130:1-2,5
Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.
Isaiah 30:18
And tonight after reading through this interview of Lauren Chandler and reading the scriptures she listed as those that spoke the most profoundly to her through this past year I discovered another great one for me to reflect on.
It is well with the man who deals generously and lends; who conducts his affairs with justice. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.
Psalm 112:6-8
Friday, February 11, 2011
Tough Subject.
I am writing today because I have decided to blog about the journey Cody & I are on. I have struggled for a while about sharing this with too many people and especially blogging about it, but have decided that I really want to do this. I have found much encouragement in the past week from a few of my friends blogs who experienced the same thing. For now, our blog will remain private and this is a way to keep our families informed and for me to express myself the way I do best, through writing.
9 months ago we made the decision to start trying to conceive. We had already not been preventing anything for the 3 months prior to that. I had hoped and thought that it would happen in about 3-6 months, why I don't really know. As you can see, that is not the plan that God had for us which at times is rather difficult for me to understand.
I have watched couple after couple get pregnant in this time period. Some have been much harder to process than others. It is difficult knowing that many who started trying around when we did will be welcoming their bundle of joy in the next month or two. I don’t know why I thought I deserved to get pregnant quickly, but I had it in my head that it wouldn’t take long for us. Now, 9 months later, it’s become a very heartbreaking thing for me. While we have not yet been coined “infertile” since that does not happen until after a year, I can’t help but let my mind wander down that road. I want to live in God's will but sometimes I really wish his plans were my plans. As if I know what's best for myself, we've seen how that works out and it's not good.
I am thankful for this time because I know that that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. I know that we are in this season for a reason and though it is very difficult at times, I am excited to see what God is teaching us. Yes, I am hoping that we will be on the other side of this sooner than later but ultimately I know that God works all things together for his good. So please join us in praying for our future and our children. I will be very raw in my blogging so at times you will probably see deep frustration and sadness, but know in it all I know that we are deeply loved by our father!
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010 in Review!
2010 was a good year for The Kitts!
We decided to take a Crown Financial class where we discovered the joy of becoming debt free. We really enjoyed the group we were with and the guy that lead it! We are excited to see how Crown continues to affect our lives over the years. We had been praying hard for a new job for myself so that we could really start to dive into debt relief.
In March, I accepted a part-time position as an administrative assistant at Christian Life Ministries. A week later the girl I was working for quit and I took over full-time as the Orphan Coordinator. What a blessing for us! It's hard to believe I've been working there for 9 months now. I love my job and am so grateful for it. I have been blessed with a great co-worker who has become a really close friend of mine. (It was just the two of us for a good portion of the last 9 months) Grateful that we recently hired some new people!
On April 21st, Nicole gave birth to Ashland Kate, who we absolutely love and adore. It was hard for me not to be there since I was there when both Ellie & Tristan were born, but I just couldn't ask for the time off so quickly after being hired. We were able to see her shortly when we came in town for Ellie's 1st dance recital. What a joy it was to see her dance and to welcome sweet little Ashland into the world! I love my role as an Aunt! It has also been neat to see Cody take on his role as an Uncle since we got married. I just wish Tristan loved me nearly as much as he loves his Cody! Cody loves his Tristan too!
Not to mention, just a few short weeks after Ashland's birth we celebrated Adam's graduation from Seminary in Fort Worth!In May, we went to San Antonio to celebrate our 6 month Anniversary! It was a really nice weekend away and time for us to spend together. I could have dealt without the extended car ride but it was worth it for the time away!
The funny thing about summer when you are an adult is it isn't much different than any other time of the year because you don't have the entire summer off. These are the months that I am always jealous of my teacher friends. I was especially jealous this summer when we fired our bookkeeper at work the week before my co-worker lefter for Uganda for a near 2 1/2 weeks. I had to learn how to do bookkeeping in a crash 2 hour course before she left. Other than that our summer was great and just spent hanging out with friends as much as possible.And as you may know, Cody is a BIG fan of the Rangers so we went to several games as we always do. The hotter it got the less I had any desire to go. Might I add, our summer was scorching hot this go round.
In August I decided to start a business endeavor of sorts, something I hope to make us money someday when I am a stay-at-home mom. I started making tutu's and hairbands. It quickly started into crafting blog adventure. I now blog 3-5x's a week and make tutus as often as I can. I am trying to learn to sew and recently got a sewing machine from my mother-n-law! It has been a fun journey and really looking forward to what 2011 holds from my craftiness!
This new desire to craft came at the perfect time as Cody went back to get his Master's degree in late August. I needed something to do since Cody is in class two nights a week and spends a lot of his free time studying. This is the perfect way to entertain my time!The fall brings some of my favorite things with the circus and the state fair. These have become annual traditions for the two of us. I love going and spending that time with Cody. I hope that we get to continue these for many more years to come!
In November, we celebrated being married for one year! We spent the weekend of our Anniversary in a bed & breakfast in Willspoint, TX. We enjoyed our time there and woke up to drive in to see Ashland dedicated at church. We took off the week and just enjoyed spending time together. We ended the week staying at a hotel in Dallas and eating at restaurants where we normally wouldn't spend that much money on a meal. It was so great so spend that special time together in the midst of our crazy schedules!
Holidays are always good for us as we spend them between our two families! It had been a great year and I hope you have been very blessed by 2010. I am excited to see what 2011 holds for us! We love you all very much!Thursday, December 30, 2010
Loved & Missed, Brie Gomez
*I am warning you now this is going to be a very long post*
Sunday night I logged onto facebook at about 11:30 pm to find a status from a friend that stated, "Please pray fervently for Brie Gomez. My amazing godly friend was in an accident and is not doing well. They delivered her baby boy & he needs your prayers, too!"
I immediately began to pray for Brie and her baby boy! I knew nothing about the car accident beyond this status. I decided to go to Brie's blog that night and she had post the lyrics to the song Forever Reign that morning. As I read a portion of the lyrics my heart sunk thinking that those lyrics might be a reality in the hours to follow, of course, hoping they would not be.
I'm running to your arms
I'm running to your arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to your embrace
Light of the world forever reign
The Gomez family was headed home to Amarillo when they were hit in a head on collision. Brie was care flighted to the hospital where they did an emergency c-section. Her little boy was born weighing 3 lbs 1 oz and was named Curran Blaec Gomez. They were both in critical condition. I began to pray for the family especially for Brie & Curran.
The next morning I discovered that Brie had passed away early int he morning and that Curran was still in critical condition but improving. My heart ached for the Gomez family. Eric, Mali & Eleri had been released from the hospital. Eleri (22 mos) had a fractured leg and Eric has a neck brace.
I began to reflect on Brie's life and what I knew of her. I began to read comment after comment that friends and family were leaving on Brie's facebook page. I read blog posts that I had read many times before. There was one common theme. Brie was an incredible wife, mother and a Godly woman. She had impacted many lives and love God with all of her heart.
Life can be so much shorter than we ever imagined. Brie probably had hopes to raising her children, watching them get married, aging with Eric, welcoming grandkids and on and on I could go. But for some reason, God had a much different plan. Sometimes I forget that my days are numbered and I don't know how many days there are. Do I live my life as if I might die tomorrow? Could people say about me what they have said about Brie? I aspire to be an amazing wife, mother and Godly woman, but often times I don't really give it my best. Brie has left a lasting impression on my life and many other lives. She will not be forgottten!
Please continue to pray for the Gomez/White families! Her husbands name is Eric and they have three children, Mali, Eleri & Curran. Mali is 6 years old, Eleri is 22 months and Curran was just born! Pray that they would each be comforted and encouraged during this difficult time.
Here is her obituary.
A special tribute.
I'm running to your arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to your embrace
Light of the world forever reign
The Gomez family was headed home to Amarillo when they were hit in a head on collision. Brie was care flighted to the hospital where they did an emergency c-section. Her little boy was born weighing 3 lbs 1 oz and was named Curran Blaec Gomez. They were both in critical condition. I began to pray for the family especially for Brie & Curran.
The next morning I discovered that Brie had passed away early int he morning and that Curran was still in critical condition but improving. My heart ached for the Gomez family. Eric, Mali & Eleri had been released from the hospital. Eleri (22 mos) had a fractured leg and Eric has a neck brace.
I began to reflect on Brie's life and what I knew of her. I began to read comment after comment that friends and family were leaving on Brie's facebook page. I read blog posts that I had read many times before. There was one common theme. Brie was an incredible wife, mother and a Godly woman. She had impacted many lives and love God with all of her heart.
Life can be so much shorter than we ever imagined. Brie probably had hopes to raising her children, watching them get married, aging with Eric, welcoming grandkids and on and on I could go. But for some reason, God had a much different plan. Sometimes I forget that my days are numbered and I don't know how many days there are. Do I live my life as if I might die tomorrow? Could people say about me what they have said about Brie? I aspire to be an amazing wife, mother and Godly woman, but often times I don't really give it my best. Brie has left a lasting impression on my life and many other lives. She will not be forgottten!
Please continue to pray for the Gomez/White families! Her husbands name is Eric and they have three children, Mali, Eleri & Curran. Mali is 6 years old, Eleri is 22 months and Curran was just born! Pray that they would each be comforted and encouraged during this difficult time.
Here is her obituary.
A special tribute.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Gee Family Reunion
I just wanted to share a few photos from our weekend with the Gee family. We didn't get very of the entire family. Actually, I didn't get any of the rest of my family which isn't very cool.
We had a blast though and I can't wait to spend time with everyone again!
We had a blast though and I can't wait to spend time with everyone again!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
