Hurting

I have reached a time in my life in which I'm so broken that I don't even feel that I have the strength to stand up on my own. I honestly know that only by the Lords grace can I begin to stand at this time. I know that he is the only reason I have any strength at all. I am so thankful for that! I cannot imagine experiencing what I'm experiencing now with out the love of my Lord and Saviour. Not only can I imagine going through these experiences with out him, but I can't imagine going through them with out an incredible set of friends. I have so many wonderful friends that I can really rely on as well.

However, its a bit strange that I feel the need to hide my pain from my family. I typically am not that way in the least bit. I rely on and stand close to my family all the time. They know everything because I trust them with everything. But for some really strange reason I don't want them to know how bad I hurt...I don't want them to see my weak and vulnerable. I want them to think I'm strong.

Loved

Today my roommate and I talked about the sweet little things a guy will do that causes your heart to skip a beat. It's the random hand holdings and the sweet kisses over the forehead that really do us in. We were talking about how it's more meaningful to receive that kind of affection than to become physical with one another.

Quickly after our conversation she asked me if this was because of the relationships we had with our fathers or the lack of relationships with our father. I personally don't see a connection, but perhaps there is.

However, tonight while I was driving home from dinner I looked into the sky to see one of the most beautiful sunsets I had seen in a very long time. The sunset took my breathe away and I immediately thanked God for creating such a beautiful sunset. Not only did I get to see an absolutely beautiful sunset today, but on my way to work I saw the most beautiful rainbow. The rainbow was totally unexpected and one of those things you rarely get to see. I couldn't help but thank God for the beauty of his creation...twice today.

Every time I see something beautiful like that I thank God for showing me He loves me. Perhaps that sounds strange to some of you, but I kind of feel like God is whispering "Hey, I love you!" as he paints the sky with beauty. He realizes that those are the things that brighten my day and that take my breath away.

Perhaps my heart skips a beat when God does something like paints a beautiful sunset or rainbow at just the right time...the same way that my heart skips a beat with a boy slides his fingers between mine or kisses me gently across the forehead. To be in love with God is such a sweet thing...

MIA

So I've been MIA for the past month...

Between school, work and my internship, I really haven't had much free time. My semester ended on Thursday which has been a sweet relief. I have three weeks of calmness before the storm hits again, but then I am done in August. It will be nice to have a couple of weeks off where for once every night isn't booked solid and I might get some full nights of rest.

Be praying for me as my work assignment ends at the beginning of June and I currently have nothing to go to. Also, I need a job for August when I graduate. And lastly...I need a roommate.

Speaking of roommates...I had a new girl move in and she's absolutely wonderful. I love and adore her! The reason I have another space is because Marisha got engaged and is getting married soon. Congratulations Rishy Roo!

My Very Best Friend!!

I will write in pink in honor of my very bestest friend in the entire world since this blog is about her. Thirteen years ago God placed in my life the most incredible girl ever, her name is Chelsey. I can honestly say that our friendship was completely God ordained. There are people in your life that come in for a season and then shortly after that they leave. I feel very fortunate that Chelsey and I will always be friends. The friendship we have shared has had it's ups and downs, but ultimately has stayed strong over the years. We've been to hell and back more than once and come out on the other side. We have held each other in the most difficult of times and laughed are butts off in the happiest of times. There are things in this life that we've experience together and apart, but either way they have brought us close together. Parts of our lives were so similar that we were truly the only person that could truly understand what the other way going through. All of these things make me know that our friendship was completely God ordained and I couldn't be more thankful for God's special blessing in my life. Not only have we become the best of friends, but she has become my sister.

Our bond has given us such a closeness that I consider her part of my family. I consider her children to be my niece and nephew just as if they were really born into my family. This week Caleb accepted Christ and what a joy that was for me as his Aunt! I am so excited to be able to be a part of Caleb & Carleigh's lives and can't wait to watch the people they grow up to be!!

I LOVE YOU CHELSEY!!!

Graduation

I will be graduating from Dallas Baptist University on 08/08/08! What a cool date to graduate on-I'm such a nerd! I can't believe that in less than 5 months I will have a Masters degree.

Countdown Clocks at WishAFriend.com

Why?

Why is it that we hurt the ones we care the most about?

There is someone in my life that has grown to become one of my very best friends. This person has helped me to overcome my deepest and darkest side, the side of myself that I had grown to believe would never change. This person was patient with me in an area in my life where most people were too frustrated with me to see me through it. But this friend, they stuck with me and encouraged me along the way. And with their help and encouragement I was able to overcome a part of myself that caused a lot of heartache. This part of myself is something I was once extremely proud of, but for the past 5 years have been very ashamed of. This individual quickly showed me a new side and a new way to handle myself. They pointed out to me things that I had never really looked at before.

I have had to learn to swallow my pride in very big ways. I have also had to learn that the way I react sometimes is by far nothing that resembles Christ. There are things about my life now that look so different from my past. I am utterly amazed by the difference! To know me now and to know me then is like knowing two different people. God truly can change people.

This junk that my friend has helped me through is the shameful "anger" issues that I've been struggling with for my entire life. I was always quick to get angry and even quicker to make you pay if you were the one to make me angry. What a drag I must have been! Tonight I lost my cool with this friend like I would have in the past. I got upset and had my feelings hurt because I perceived their actions in the wrong manner, but instead of informing them that I was upset in an appropriate manner I went off on them. I was truly out of line.

What scares me the most about this is that it's possible that because of my foolishness I could have hurt my friend. I would never ever want to hurt this friend as they mean more than the world to me. The very thought of hurting them crushes my heart. I hate that it's the ones we care most about that we are most likely to hurt.

To my friend...thanks a million for everything you've been in my life! Thanks for putting up with me when the rest of the world has given up. I cannot imagine my life with out you. You truly are amazing and I thank God for you every day!

Music, Memories & the Lord

There are a few songs that I will always manage to cry during because of the significance of the song in my life. I can nearly remember a song for every family member that I've lost. With my GeeMa it was Amazing Grace as it was the song that was sung to her while she was on her death bed by one of the nurses at her Hospice place. Then with my Uncle it was I Can Only Imagine because two days after his death I went to church and heard this song for the first time. I completely lost it as I thought about my Uncle no longer having to imagine as he was there experiencing Heaven. And lastly with my Granddad it was Because He Lives as it was song sang at his funeral. Besides those three there are several more songs that remind me of my GeeMa & Granddad that almost always bring me to tears as well. The lyrics to most of these songs bring comfort and remind me of my own walk with Christ.

Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

I Can Only Imagine

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

Chorus:
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

Chorus

I can only imagine [x2]

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

Because He Lives

God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!

Chorus:
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!

Chorus

And then one day, I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to vict'ry,
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives!

Chorus

There is one more song that reminds me of both my Grandma & Granddad. This song has been a reminder to me as I've been thinking about the cross this week. Thinking about the cross and these songs really helps me to think about what Christ has done for my life and kind of helps me put things into perspective a little more. It's weird to me that I've been a Christian most of my life and just now am I really grasping the cross. Here are the other two song lyrics, both old hymns but awesome songs!

The Old Rugged Cross

On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
The emblem of suffering and shame;
And I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain.

Refrain:
So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.

O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world,
Has a wondrous attraction for me;
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary.

Refrain

In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,
A wondrous beauty I see,
For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
To pardon and sanctify me.

Refrain

To the old rugged cross I will ever be true;
Its shame and reproach gladly bear;
Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,
Where His glory forever I’ll share.

Refrain

There are many more songs that remind me of my grandparents as well as Christ. And hearing them bring joy to my heart as I think of both God and my grandparents. They truly were in love with the Lord and I am so thankful for that because of their relationship with God I have also been able to experience the same joy. Most of these songs are sung by the Gaithers, but I refuse to enjoy their music. I kind of miss singing songs like these at church. Yesterday morning it was nice to sing "Because He Lives" even though it did make me cry. I love and miss my Papaw & Grandma, Granddad & GeeMa and Uncle Toot, but am so thankful that I will see them again some day.

The Cross

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been reading the book The Search for Significance. He made a very profound statement that I can't seem to forget, "Every day our minds should be overwhelmed by thankfulness for what he did on our behalf."

On dictionary.com, overwhelmed means to affect deeply in mind or emotion. I think about my mind being overwhelmed by the very thought of Christ on the cross. If I would focus on his death on the cross daily and remember his payment for my sin what a different lifestyle I might actually live. When I really do sit and think about his death on the cross I become overwhelmed with emotion and tears begin to stream down my cheeks. I can't help but remember Jesus upon the cross in the movie The Passion of the Christ.

To look at this picture alone sends chills up my spine as I think about the excruciating pain Christ went through on my behalf. I often joke about watching this movie when a group of people is around because it's definately going to change to mood of the crowd. I haven't seen this movie since it came out in 2004 and I think that perhaps it is a movie I should watch more often because it paints such a great picture of Christ's sacrifice for my life. If nothing else I should just watch the scenes in which Christ begins to be beaten to death and then forced to carry his cross through the city to the hill in which he lays his life down for me.

I can't help but be reminded of the verse Romans 5:8, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." This verse often finds me in a place of sorrow as I think about how sinful I am and how Christ died upon the cross for me despite this. God loves me enough that no matter how many times I will sin against me his love will remain the same. Amazing.

In honor of Easter I post the lyrics and a youtube video to the song, How Could You Say No? This is by far one of my favorite songs representing the picture of Christ giving up his life for me...

Thorns on His head, spear in His side
Yet it was a heartache that made Him cry
He gave His life so you would understand
Is there any way you could say no to this Man?

If Christ Himself
Were standing here
Face full of glory and eyes full of tears
Held out His arms with His nail pierced hands
Is there any way you could say no to this Man?

Chorus:
How could you look in His tear-stained eyes
Knowing it's you He's thinking of?
Would you tell Him you're not ready to give Him your life?
Could you say you don't think you need His love?
Jesus is here with His arms open wide
You can see Him with your heart if you'll stop looking with your eyes
He's left it up to you, He's done all He can
Is there any way you could say no to this Man?

Thorns on His head, your life is in His hands
Is there any way you could say no to this Man?
Oh, is there any way you could say no to this Man?

The Parenting Role

I heard some time ago that we as females often view God in the same way that we view our fathers. If our fathers are very harsh disciplinarians then when we sin we believe that God will make us pay for our sin in the same way our earthly fathers did. I didn't buy into this for a long time because I thought that despite the unhealthy relationship I had with my earthly father I had a pretty good concept of who my heavenly father was and those two people were completely different. In reality I really did view God in some ways the way I viewed my father. My father may have lost his temper with me easily, but not once did I think that God was angry with me. However, the way my father shows me he loves me is through providing for all my needs and a good portion of my wants. I realized a couple of years ago that I had started to view God this way. I believed that if God loved me he would do things for me and make sure everything worked out the way I wanted to and when things didn't I decided God didn't love me. What a screwed up perception of God I had developed. I have recently been reminded of this truth about our view of God and our relationship with our parents.

I have been reading the book The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee for my Approaches to Christian Counseling class and in this book he mentions this occurring. In the book McGee states "Our parents are our models of the character of God." After reading this short sentence my heart became overwhelming distressed. I want more than anything in the world to raise children who love God and desire to live their lives for Him. Therefore I feel a great call on my own life to develop the character of God in my own life in order that they may see that modeled and not have a distorted view of God, but instead be able to see God clearly because of the way they were raised by their own parents.

Today while I was watching the kids I nanny for, the little boy kicked his soccer ball which managed to go over the banister and into a glass vase lined up across a shelf in the dining room. His mother has often reminded him to be careful when kicking his soccer ball in the house because it is highly possible he would accidentally kick the ball into one of her glass vases. As the ball collided with the glass vase the look on Ethan's face was nothing but pure horror. I said "uh oh" as I thought of the shattered pieces laying on the ground beneath us and the words that came from my mouth sent him running into his room to hide. I walked over to the banister to find the glass vase laying all in one piece on the carpet. What a relief! I went into my boys room to find him lying under his bed shaking with freight. I let him know that the vase didn't break and it was safe to come out. He was still terrified as he thought his parents would never forgive him for what he had done. I assured him that everything was okay and gently guided him out from under the bed. His father is home on Fridays, but I felt like he needed time to cool down before we broke the news to dad.

So this afternoon I ask him to go break the news with me. I told him I would hold his hand, but we had to be honest with dad and let him know what happened. My little boy became overwhelmed with fear of his father's reaction. I know that his parents are nothing but loving and I am certain that his father will forgive him and accept him with open arms. I try encouraging him over and over again, but he doesn't want to tell his father but tells me I can. I open the door to his fathers office and he falls to the ground and begins sobbing uncontrollably. I tell his father that something happened, but Ethan is terrified to tell him. His father gently asks Ethan to come talk to him and Ethan runs and hides. His father goes to find Ethan and tries to get Ethan to tell him the story, but Ethan remains terrified. He then asks me the story and after I tell him what happened he walks back over to his son, puts his arms around him and says "I know it was an accident and it's okay". He then leans down and kisses his son on the forehead and says "I love you!" I told his father that one of Ethan's greatest fears was that he wouldn't be able to get the vase back up on the shelf so his father tells him that they will put it back up together. His father leaves the room to return to work, but assures his son that everything is okay and that he is loved.

I crawl up next to Ethan and begin to rub his back to help him calm down as he continues to sob uncontrollably. I remind Ethan that his father is not angry and that he has been forgiven. I remind him that his father loved him. Ethan continued crying for some time and I just continued to remind him that despite his mistake his fathers love for him had not changed.

I think about Ethan's fear in a different light as I think about myself as a child. I think about how if I would have done the same thing I would have been yelled at for coming close to breaking something when I had been reminded not to act like a fool in the first place. I would have been yelled at despite the fact that I had done so accidentally because I should have been smarter than that. This would have been my father's reaction to the same situation. Although my mother very much would have responded in the same manner as Ethan's dad.

What a vital role we play in the life of our children. If Ethan's father would have responded the way that he expected him too, Ethan may have began to develop a poor view of God. That is that his love is conditional and he is unforgiving. However, perhaps because of his fathers gentle and loving response Ethan will grow up to learn that God loves him unconditionally and forgives him when he goofs.

As I continue reading the book a very important statement is mentioned time and time again as a reminder to us where our significance comes from. McGee states, "We are deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted, and complete in Christ." I think about these words and they remind me of the role I need to play in my children's lives. I need to consider how I can show my children that they are deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted and complete in Christ. Perhaps remembering today's lesson will be a great reminder to me of what I should do as a mother in order to show my children that they are all of these things.

I pray that we all begin to develop these characteristics and that we learned to be like Christ. I pray that I will allow my anger to end with me and that my children will see a loving, caring, and forgiving mother. May we truly be parents that bless our children and shows them the love of Christ through our own actions. May our children grow up to love God and see Him through us. I pray every day that my niece will see God through her parents love for her. I know full well that my sister and her husband show Ellie God's love through their own love for her. Even when she is disciplined for doing something wrong she walks away knowing that she is loved by them and completely forgiven.

My Heart for Kenya

I have become increasingly passionate about going to Kenya and cannot wait for a time in my life in which I can go and be used. This has been a week that my heart's affection have been stirring up like crazy for Kenya.

I am now teaching an advanced computer class at a middle school and had to come up with a multimedia project. I was messing around with Photo Story as a possible option for my kids and I made a story about Kenya. I am not sure why I did it really, but I just pulled up some photos of Kenya and the people in the city. The story turned out really sweet, but because of my scripture usage I will probably not be using it in my classroom. I do however believe that it could be a pretty sweet missions video. This was the first time this week that God put Kenya on my heart.

And then tonight I was overwhelmed with emotions for Kenya. During worship we sang God of This City written by Bluetree (please read the story behind the song here)

You're the God of this city, You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation, You are
You're the light in this darkness, You're the hope to the hopeless
You're the peace to the restless, You are
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city

My heart began to stir deeply for Kenya during this song. I belted the song as Kenya lay heavily on my heart and tears began to drip down my cheeks. What a beautiful picture of God in the city. I began to get excited about the possibility of getting a trip in after graduation if it could possibly work out. I planned on talking to a friend of mine who knows a family moving over there. Then Matt gets up to speak and what's he got to say? That our church will probably be starting missions in Kenya and Tanzania as we have two families heading out. One of those families being the family I was going to call my friend about. Holy crap...are you kidding? We're going to be going to Kenya? I've been wanting to do this for so long and now it's all coming to the surface. As if this wasn't enough to get me all elated...

After church I turn back and see a man sitting alone. I notice his shirt and realize that he is from Africa, but really don't think more of it. I guess God wanted me to talk to him, because I turn around again and his arm is up and he has a bracelet on that reads "KENYA". Immediately I feel God tell me to go speak to him and with out hesitation I jump up. Let's just be honest in saying that this is completely out of my comfort zone. I am the girl who when they say "greet those around you", suddenly I have the urge to use the restroom. I have a brief but good conversation with my new friend, David. We talked a bit and then he told me that he hoped to see me the following week. I most definately look forward to seeing him again next week and getting to know him more. May God richly bless David's life!

I am pumped about what the Lord is doing in my life. I am excited to see my heart for Kenya grow. I am ecstatic about the possibility of going to Kenya with my church. I am especially excited about my new friend, David.

Guilty & Starving

Why do we think that we can live off God's word for more than a day? We would not ever consider missing an entire day with out some kind of nutrition. Yet we go days, weeks, months and possibly even years with out nutrition from the word.

I am guilty of starving myself. I am only harming myself by starving myself spiritually just as I would physically. I am weak because I am lacking.

One that starves themselves physically often times is starving themselves as a way to gain control of their life. When I am not in the word I begin to take control of my life and leave God out of the picture. However, when I am in the word it pretty dang impossible for me not to let God be center of my life. He becomes what I live for and through wisdom I learn to let him take control of my life.

May I stop starving myself and really dig in and devour what the Lord has in store for me.

Loss of a Loved One

My heart is a bit crushed this evening. I found out about the loss of another sweet little baby girl. Two weeks ago, my friend Kristi & her husband, Drew, lost their beautiful little girl. Then tonight I find out that Mandy's niece has also gone home to be with the Lord. Both of these precious little baby girls were only three and a half months old.

It's hard for any of us to understand why the Lord has taken either of them home, but we also can gain some comfort knowing they are resting in the Lord's arms tonight. I can't imagine the pain and heart ache these families are experiencing. I can be somewhat empathetic, but at the same time really have no idea. I can understand a little more with Mandy as I have a niece and know that I would practically die if anything ever happened to her. However, I don't really know what Kristi & Drew are experiencing as I have never had a child of my own. I know that the love of a child is far stronger than the love of a niece which makes me somewhat understand the pain they are experiencing and makes me realize it has to be far more painful than what I would be experiencing. It helps me be empathetic to their situation as I know that numbness overwhelms them.

Pray for my friends as they are experiencing the loss of someone they love dearly. The loss of a child, a niece, and a granddaughter. Definitely someone none of them ever expected to have to witness their death. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

Pray for Kristi & Drew as they have started adjusting to life with out their daughter and with out the close surrounding of their friends and family as they have started drifting. Pray for them as they prepare to clean out Ryane's room. Pray that they will be comforted by the Lord during the difficult times.

Pray for Mandy & Sam as they truly were in love with their little niece, Lilly. Pray for Lilly's parents, Richard & Jennifer. And pray that their entire family be comforted during this time. Pray for the funeral that will be this Friday at 4pm. Pray for comfort and peace!!

A Desire for Godliness

My friend, Magen, responded to my last blog with something very profound. Her response, “He loves a heart that truly desires Him, which is what I think your struggle comes down to. You truly desire more of Him, but fail in your flesh.”

She hit it right on the target. My heart desires Christ so much, but I continue to fail in my flesh. My heart grows heavy at the very thought of this. Saying that out loud just now brought me to a place of tears as I am so frustrated with it all. Over the past several months I have to come to a place where I throw myself to the ground and beg for God’s mercy and love time and time again. I thank Him for bringing me to a place where he pulls me back in line, but beg for his mercy as I continue to fail Him.

I almost become overwhelmed by being more like Christ. I desire so much to be like Him and for a short time I run and chase after Him, but then I become frustrated and I give up. I’ve laid in my bed or on my floor on more than one occasion begging for forgiveness as I manage to go astray. The best part of going astray is when God pulls us back in. He continues to love us and continues to chase after us despite the fact that we continue to go astray.

My prayer is that this time I won't just run after him for a short time, but that I will truly desire to pursue a relationship with my Savior. I desire so much to become disciplined in my pursuit of Christ. I can't help but think of the lyrics I hung onto at church last night..."I Surrender All!" I truly desire to surrender my all and my everything to run and chase after my Lord and Savior!!

The Faithless

Sometimes I feel like I'm the faithless while other times I feel so full of faith. When I'm going through a hard time I always rely on the Lord for strength and provision. But there comes a time when my faith begins to weaken and I begin to become faithless. I will consistently pray for something and I grow frustrated with God as He continues to not answer my prayer. The time that this is hardest for me is when there is a time frame that I really need the prayer answered in. A good example of this would be when I was praying for my practicum site for school. I should have started my practicum back at the beginning of January and here it is the end of February and I have yet to start. I become desperate and pray harder, but with no response I grow angry at the Lord and wonder if I've managed to lose my connection with Him. Maybe I'm not praying at all, even worse maybe I'm not even a Christian. The thoughts consume my mind and I grow even more frustrated. I see the people around me having their prayers answered instantly and I wonder what's wrong with me and wonder if I just don't really know how to pray or something. My friends often throw out the "well, have you prayed about it?" And my response is always, "well duh!" Let's just be honest..what's my prayer life really look like? By pray about it, I simply mean I've prayed about it. My prayer probably looks like this... "Lord help me find a practicum site that I can be used in and that I will learn from...and fast. Thanks!" And that's probably it for a few days until I realize that I really need a place again. Then I pray again and probably the same thing. And let me just say that those few days between prayers are empty...I don't pray at all. I don't call on God for anything. I've allowed God to be my helping hand when I need him, I don't desire a relationship with Him like he desires with me. I just desire for him to provide for me when I need him, I just need his blessings...like I deserve them.

I am reminded of Philippians 4:4 & 6 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" and "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Let's think about this verse for a moment. The first thing it says is to rejoice in the Lord always. Do I do that? Do I rejoice in the Lord even though he doesn't answer my prayers? Do I rejoice in the Lord in my frustration? It's okay for me to be frustrated or even angry, but I think that important thing for me to remember is that I just need to be honest with the Lord. I should thank the Lord that he allows me to be frustrated with Him, yet he still loves me during that moment. I need to rejoice in Him always! My prayers should not just be a time in which I run to the Lord when I need something. I should praise Him and rejoice in Him then present my requests to Him.

Do not be anxious about anything. This one is hard for me as I grow anxious rather quickly. Yet I am aware that God will take care of me. I know this based on scriptures and based on the fact that He has always taken care of me. When I read this scripture my mind quickly references to Luke 12 where Christ tells us not to worry about anything. He simply reminds us that if he takes care of the ravens, then he will take care of us. "And how much more valuable you are than birds." In verse 28 my heart grows heavy as I read these words, "O you of little faith!" My heart sinks in my chest as I realize how little faith I really do have. Then I am reminded of Matthew 17:20, when Christ says "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed..." Wow...all I need is a faith as small as a mustard seed. Talk about the faithless. This is when I become overwhelmed and burdened by the fact that I don't have faith in my Lord...not even as small as a mustard seed. When it comes down to it, everything I believe in and have faith in begins to dissolve when things don't go my way and I begin to lose faith.

Back to Philippians..."but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Maybe I should work on my prayer life and perhaps I'd see restoration in my faith as a result. By prayer and petition...it doesn't say to just pray, it says to petition my prayers. I looked up petition in the dictionary, "to beg for or request (something)." I see this prayer and petition as me on my knees before the Lord begging him for something, but not just on one occasion every few days. I should diligently pray for the Lord to show me, to guide me, in making the right decisions regarding my request (practicum in this case). But let's not lose sight of the rest of the verse...with thanksgiving. How often to I come before the Lord and ask for something then off I go? How often do I sit before the Lord and truly rejoice in the Lord, truly pray, seek relationship with Him, and offer thanksgiving? I'll be honest and say it's rare. In fact, it's probably only when I come to the place that I realize how desperate I am with out him. When my friend says to me, "have you prayed about it?" That's when I realize that I haven't really prayed about it at all.

So this was my process over the past few weeks as I prayed for my practicum. I grew frustrated by the lack of provision in my life and I went through my "faithless" moment. I lost my faith and for a week grew angry at the Lord. When my friend reminded me to pray I grew angry at him. How could he tell me to pray like I haven't done that already? But instead, his reminder of prayer that first made me angry with him ended up pushing me into "prayer and petition". It caused me to truly look at scriptures and prayer in a different light.

On Friday, I begged the Lord for provision and prayed that he would guide me. I grabbed my computer while laying on the couch with the flu and I believe it was then that God guided me. I began sending emails to anyone and everyone about practicums. I became desperate and had my mom send emails too. I was blessed in so many ways through this process. I talked with a woman from a church that allowed me to have restored passion for counseling...what a God thing. Then I had several encouraging responses. I even got some responses that may allow for a summer practicum and even possibly hours after I receive my license. Then I got an email at the last minute with the perfect opportunity. By last minute, I mean that if I wouldn't have received the offer at that time then I would have had to take an incomplete for the class and possibly cost myself a huge chunk of money. I got an offer to do counseling in a school in the district that I desire to be employed in as a teacher starting in the fall. Then to top that off, exactly a week later, the Principal at the school offered me a long-term sub position to finish the school year and stated she would allow me to do the counseling during my conference period. So basically...I got a paid internship. God provided for me in ways that I never could have expected and even better than I would have ever asked of Him. When I got the job offer I spent the entire afternoon thanking God for His provision. Rejoicing and thanking!

May I not forget this lesson. May I truly remember how God showed me to pray and how He restored my faith. May I continue to have faith as small as a mustard seed. May I restore my prayer life and my relationship with the Lord.

Passion Restored...

I went to college determined to become a Kindergarten teacher. It was after my first year that I realized I wasn't going to teach so I changed my major to Human Development and Family Studies, but had no idea what I would do with the degree. I looked into becoming a Child Life Specialist because my love for Children was still very evident. Then I took Intro to Marriage & Family Therapy, the class that began to stir up my affections. So then I registered for more classes about relationships, Courtship & Marriage and Close Relationships. I started studying Song of Solomon through Tommy Nelson's in depth study. And I also started my own studies on what it looked like to be a Godly wife as well as a Godly husband. My passion for the marriage relationship began to tug at my heart. I knew then that I would pursue Counseling because I knew that I wanted to work with Christian couples through pre-marital and marriage counseling. So I started looking into graduate schools to get my degree in Counseling.

It wasn't long before I found myself in the Counseling program at Dallas Baptist. I love my classes and love learning about human interaction. However, my passion for marriage counseling slowly disappeared. (I believe this partially has to do with the fact that I continue to be single) I continued to be passionate about children and wanted to find a job in social services in order to prepare myself for Counseling. I found a job with a foster care agency and became very passionate about those little children. I worked in that agency for six months, but became very worn down between work and school so I left. Over the following few months, I took a job that would allow me to focus on school but for whatever reason the job ended up not working out as the project I was working on got canceled. I took another job working in a foster care agency, but held a different position. I worked with my children on a more one-on-one basis helping them to develop specific skills, I worked a lot with children that needed to learn anger management.

After growing very frustrated with the agency I was working with and somewhat disappointed in my lack of passion for counseling I decided to follow my passion for children and get an alternative certification. It almost seems crazy that I would teach considering the path I've taken to get to this place. Don't worry...I have wrestled with this a lot. I love children and I am passionate about teaching me some little Kindergarten kids, but I know that is only temporary. I will be the best teacher that I can be during my time as a teacher, but I cannot say that I will be a teacher twenty years from now.

I still continue to be passionate about counseling and am finishing my Masters degree. I am not sure if I will get my license or not at this time. I may do school counseling after teaching for several years or I may not. I really have no idea what counseling looks like for me at this current point in time. I think this is what has made finding a Practicum hard for me this semester. I wanted to find something where I worked with children as I know that my passion for children will always be present. I have found something in the school system and am excited to work with the children and know that it will allow me to see if I want to pursue school counseling. However, during my search for a practicum site I spoke with a woman at a local church and talking with her helped restore my passion.

I realized then that my desire to receive a Masters in Counseling wasn't necessarily because I desired to be paid to use my degree. In fact, it was probably not that at all. My passion for counseling was to guide Christian couples in their marriages to develop healthier relationships. My desire was to learn what God's word said about husbands and wives, to learn about relationship dynamics and then use my skills to help married couples restore their love for one another. My desire was to help end a devastating statistic of Christian marriages ending in divorce. My desire was to help our future children from experiencing divorce. After talking with this woman who was offering free counseling to those in her church, I realized that my passion for counseling had nothing to do with a career but instead had everything to do with my ministry. I look forward to the day that I can use my skills as a counselor and my knowledge of the bible to help others in a very rewarding way.

I will do whatever it is that I do to the best of my ability. I will be the best teacher that I can be. I will be the best counselor that I can be. Ultimately, I will use whatever God has blessed me with to further his kingdom. I pray that God will continue to use me, his daughter, to do the work He has called me to do.

I visited my adviser yesterday afternoon to make sure I had my classes schedule correctly in order to graduate in December. After playing with my schedule a bit, we managed to make it to where I graduate in August. YAY-I graduate in 9 months!!!!

Dear Friends...

I realize I've been gone for over a year, but I'm back! I guess I need to update you on my life. There has been much going on since I last posted in May of 2006. Turns out it's October of 2007 now.

In August 2006, I started grad school at Dallas Baptist. I am working on my Masters in Counseling. I absolutely love the Counseling program and will graduate in December 2008. I love my classes, but am getting anxious about finishing.

In November 2006, I started working at a foster care agency...my first "real" job. I loved working with the children and youth, but couldn't handle all of the paperwork of the job. Over the course of six months I grew extremely close to my work family. There were several of us that became the closest of friends as we were family. We supported each other in everything. There were several of us that took park as a family...me, Lyn, Jenn, Laura, Heather & Christy. Christy was first to go, then Laura, then Lyn, then me, then Heather and lastly Jenn. We've remained close over time. We went to Christy & Laura's weddings.

A fiesta after work to regain sanity...

Here is a picture of me, Laura, Jenn and Lyn at Laura's Wedding!!!

In January 2007, my beautiful niece turned 1! She is pretty much the best thing in my life! This is a current picture of Ellie. I taught her how to put her guns up...I'm so proud!!

At the beginning of April, I ran a half marathon with my sister and Mandy. We support the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I ran in memory of my Grandma & Papaw, and my 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Graham. I also ran in honor of a former co-worker, Teresa Starrett.


Also in April, I purchased my first home! Lyn moved in with me and just recently moved out. We had a lot of fun together and I miss her being here. We had two random roommates during that time that were just temporary. Then Corrie and Marisha moved in in September and Courtney moves in next weekend. Here's the house and a roommate photo...


I started working at a new foster care agency in August, but will be leaving soon to pursue a career as a teacher. I love my new job far more than my last foster care job. However, I really want to teach for a few years. I am getting alternatively certified and am hoping to find a job for January. I will begin subbing soon. I cannot wait to be back in the classroom!

I started going to The Village Church in Highland Village. I love it! I am currently doing membership classes and am excited about being more involved in the church. I have not found a small group at this time, but hope to find something next semester after my life calms down a little.

So this is my life. Things are going well and I am excited about all that the Lord has done in my life over the course of the past year and a half. I will be posting more often so I don't have to type a huge post every time. Hope this finds you all doing well.

My niece is old enough to sit up now. She's pretty stinkin' precious if I dont say so myself. I had a dream last night that we were at dinner and when my sister walked up my niece ran up to me with open arms. What the heck? She can't be walking anytime soon, I will not allow it!

Since I last posted I've turned 23...

I've celebrated Cinco de Mayo...

And I've worked. In fact, all I really ever do is work. I dont do much at night or on the weekends so my life=my work. It sucks, but whatever. Besides working I've applied for grad school at Dallas Baptist University. So thats an update, perhaps I'll come back sooner than later. I dont really enjoy posting anymore. When there is no reward for it, its hard to post.

In honor of Easter I post the lyrics to the song, How Could You Say No? This is by far oone of my favorite songs representing the picture of Christ giving up his life for me...

Thorns on His head, spear in His side
Yet it was a heartache that made Him cry
He gave His life so you would understand
Is there any way you could say no to this Man?

If Christ Himself
Were standing here
Face full of glory and eyes full of tears
Held out His arms with His nail pierced hands
Is there any way you could say no to this Man?

Chorus:
How could you look in His tear-stained eyes
Knowing it's you He's thinking of?
Would you tell Him you're not ready to give Him your life?
Could you say you don't think you need His love?
Jesus is here with His arms open wide
You can see Him with your heart if you'll stop looking with your eyes
He's left it up to you, He's done all He can
Is there any way you could say no to this Man?

Thorns on His head, your life is in His hands
Is there any way you could say no to this Man?
Oh, is there any way you could say no to this Man?

My little ray of sunshine. Every morning when I turn on my computer I see this. Shes such a huge blessing. And she's so stinkin' beautiful!!!