Wrecked Them

I have been a Red Raider fanatic since a very young age as well as my entire families. My blood has always run red and black as well as clearly not one of them. Being a Red Raider brings me great joy, but there have been many frustrating seasons as a fan. This season is. Last night I sat with a few friends at BJ's as we watched the fourth quarter. One friend in particular being a die hard Longhorn fan and then the other girls were mutual. As the longhorns made their touchdown putting them in the lead by one I became frantic. The guy next to me became so angry that he threw his chair down and then pouted. Cassie said there was still hope for my red raiders, but I was devastated. We couldn't lose to Texas by only one point...

Let's just be honest that in prior years there is no way that Tech would have pulled off what they did last night. I watched nervously as Tech played in those last few minutes. To see what they pulled off in those last 8 seconds sent BJs into an uproar. People were screaming, jumping and throwing their guns up. The longhorn fans all slumped in their chairs looking rather depressed. My phone began to light up with text messages. "Go Raiders", "Okay..I take it all back :) Nice game. All is fair in love and war.", "Holy **** that was the best game ever I just screamed my *** off!", "Amazing!! I'm so glad Tech won!", "Go Tech!", "Holy smokes! Good game!" These were all texts from die hard Aggies, Sooners, Cowboys (OSU), Longhorns and so forth. I actually don't think any of my Red Raider friends texted me, probably because we were all recovering from heart attacks. I was ecstatic. I was actually shaking out of excitement, and I nearly cried tears of joy. It felt great to be in that room next to a longhorn and to have victory over the #1 ranked team. It was awesome to come home and see that everyones statuses were about how amazing Tech was. Such a great night! I am so proud to be a Red Raider!!

Fight, Raiders, Fight! Fight, Raiders, Fight! Fight for the school we love so dearly. We'll hit'em high, we'll hit'em low. We'll push the ball across the goal, Tech, Fight! Fight! We'll praise your name, boost you to fame. Fight for the Scarlet and Black We will hit'em, we will wreck'em. Hit'em! Wreck'em, Texas Tech! And the Victory Bells will ring out.

Even Ellie & Tristan are Red Raiders!!
Tristan cheering about the win!!

Ellie knows it best...Tech is #1!!

Tears, Anger, and Laughter

Many of you can understand what it's like to go through the cycle of tears, anger and laughter. It's a cycle that can start at any of the three levels. This week for me and someone I am very close to it started differently. For her it started in tears and for me laughter. I was not laughing at her expense, but by the time I was told the story she had turned her tears to laughter. But because mine started as laughter, I have now experienced the tears and anger.

This dear friend of mine has found laughter in a very painful life circumstance over the course of the last six years, but in recent days it's not so funny any more. We still try to find some humor in it, but the honest to God truth is that we are both fighting back the tears and at times expressing deep anger over the situation. I won't talk in great detail about what is going on just yet as it's fresh and we want time for her family and close friends to hear but please you all be praying hard for my friend. We find ourselves crying, laughing and being angry frequently. I love her very much and would love to see miraculous things occur in her life so pray for miracles and comfort during difficult times. I also pray that both of us see God in it all and not for one moment allow our anger to destroy our relationship with Him.

"I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."
Jeremiah 31:13

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."
Psalm 30:11-12

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."
Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 4

Broken Hearted

I was recently reading a friends blog and was deeply saddened by her post. She feels so alone and unloved during a really tough time. She feels as if God is nowhere to be found. I think many of us can relate to this. There are things in life most of us if not all of us will never be able to comprehend like why bad things happen to good people.

Why is it that the sweet couple who desires children so badly can't get pregnant for anything yet some little 13 year old gets pregnant from her father who raped her? Why does the wife that desires so badly to do everything she can for her husband get left with nothing? Why does some man leave his wife for another man? Why in the world does a perfectly healthy infant die from SIDS? These are all questions most of us have pondered over time and time again. Why? Why? Why? Not only do we ponder the why do these bad things happen, but we often even ponder why good things happen but just not to us. Why did that other couple in my Sunday school class get pregnant for the 3rd time while we have been trying for 10 years? Why did that broken marriage have total restoration and mine end up in a disastrous divorce? Why did her spouse get to live through that accident while she was left alone with three children? We will never understand, but I rest in the fact that I know that God will heal them all.

Tonight my heart is completely broken for several friends. I have had the privilege to do life with so many great women and tonight my heart is so broken for some of these women. I have wept on several occasions today just thinking about the place where these women are and the hurt they are experiencing. The betrayal that has occurred in their marriages and the brokenness that has occurred between them and their husbands. I pray for healing for these women and for these men. I pray for God's arms to be wrapped so tightly around these women as they cry themselves to sleep at night. I pray that God will begin to do a mighty work in the lives of these couples. Mostly I just pray that we wouldn't question God at this time, but we'd rely on His love to get us through.

To my dear friends that are hurting, I absolutely love and adore you. I am praying for you constantly and weeping on your behalf. I know these moments are tough, but I know that God has so much more for you on the other side of this.

To my friends that have been blessed immensely, take time to thank God for those blessings in which you take for granted every day. The husband that is always there, the healthy kids, the fact that you have children, the fact that your parents are still married. And the list goes on!!

For Laughters Sake

Failure to Launch and Two Old Men

I don't know how many of you haven't seen Failure to Launch but I am hoping that most of you have. Tripp's parents hire Paula, an interventionist, to play Tripp's girlfriend and convince Tripp to move out of their home. Tripp eventually moves out and when he returns home to get something he finds his father in an alarming state, butt naked. His father had always dreamed of having Tripp's room as a naked room. I find this intriguing because I have seen this a lot on tv. Men desiring a chance to roam naked in their homes or just to sit at home all day in their briefs. I am not sure if this is just a stereotype of men or if this really is some dream all men have, but I am beginning to believe it's a dream all men have.

I find that there is a time in life where you just stop caring what you look like and kind of lose the ability to care about being inappropriate even. You know the type, the older person in the grocery store that just lets one rip with not a hint of embarrassment or sorrow for that matter. I can give a prime example of this from a trip I made from Denton back to Lubbock during college. My friend, Amy, rode with me and my Grandma back to Lubbock. GeeMa has been sleeping for most of the trip, but woke up to ask about a restroom. She had a bottle of cranberry juice and the back seat and took a great big chug of it before laying her head back to rest a bit more. Within minutes she let out the biggest belch I had ever heard in my life, and I come from a family of belchers. I looked at my GeeMa with embarrassment because Amy is with us and she just looks at me as if nothing ever happened. My GeeMe often did things of the sort, completely inappropriate or gross and with no remorse or acknowledgment of the action. So this brings me back to the story, that I have determined that men in particular dream of the naked or brief moments of relaxation. And my brief I mean their underwear.

Yesterday as I am driving home from Denton I pass a neighborhood pool and I see someone sitting on the fountain that leads from the hot tub to the pool. This older man sitting there in his speedo with all his glory out to shine for the world to see. He was just sitting there soaking up the sunshine and enjoying his day in the pool, with out a care in the world. I laughed hysterically! I told a friend about the man and they wanted me to go take a picture so they to could enjoy the hilarious scene I had just driven past. Oh I wish you could all see it, it was priceless. But I could not have done that to myself...seeing him once was bad enough, twice would have been asking for it.

So as if yesterday wasn't bad enough I had to see another old man enjoying his moment of brief relaxation today. I went out for my morning run, I walk to the end of the street before I start running so I was about to turn the corner to begin running but glanced down the street as I turned. I almost tripped because I was so caught off guard. I saw this old man getting his newspaper in nothing but his black briefs. I had to do a double take because I thought surely that man couldn't have had white hair and surely if he did those were just shorts I saw. But nope...Mr. Old Man was walking down in his sidewalk in nothing but his black underwear.

So with both of these happening in the past two days, I am beginning to think the writers of these movies and tv shows are on to something. Men must really enjoy the nakedness or the freedom of just their underwear far more than they maybe should. And older men must enjoy it even more.

Will I someday be the old lady with not a care in this world? Belching and farting as if no one else is around? Oh I sure hope not, but we will see. And I beg of you Lord to not let my husband walk to get the newspaper in his whitie tighties.

The Ball

After reading my friend Carrie's blog I couldn't help but take the story of her son to a new level. They were at Wal-Mart with Jack (there 14.5 month old son) and were going to buy him a ball, a very prized possession for little Jack. Jack set his eyes on a set of balls and was excited about them, but Carrie & Chad would soon walk past those balls to find better ones. To quote Carrie..."Jack actually saw the balls before we did and started shouting "BA BA BA!!!" He was so excited. Imagine his heartbreak when we left the first batch of bouncy orbs to search for the really big ones."

Jack had seen what he wanted, but had no idea that there could be more beyond that array of balls. The word heartbreak makes me think about the sadness that occurred and how in that instant Jack thought that his parents were no longer giving him that ball that he so badly desired.

I find us to be much like Jack. We come across something that we desire and we become so enthusiastic about it. I as a single female can most relate this to the dating world. We come to a place where we meet someone, might even start dating them and we think that he or she is the best person for us. We can't see beyond that and when it's taken away from us we throw a fit. I find this to be true with job hunting as well. We find a job we think would be absolutely perfect for us and when it doesn't work out we begin to throw our little fits. When really just a few aisles away, God has in store for us the perfect situation just as he had destined it to be.

What would have happened had Jack been old enough to be able to choose his own ball? He may have chosen the little bitty ball that momentarily brought him happiness, but then later he may have discovered the perfect ball. However, he was so enthralled by the little ball that he never even saw the big ball. He may have already spent all his money on this little ball only to find out something better was somewhere else. Perhaps it's great that Jack's parents were able to take him to the better balls just like our Father is able to guide us to the right place.

Perhaps I should allow God to take me to the next aisle. I can't help but think about the sermon from this weekend...I need to truly pray that I am living in God's will. I need to allow God to guide me to the next aisle and stop focusing on what I could have had. I am too busy throwing a fit that I don't see that God has so much better for me.

The Runaway Bride

My wedding gown is on and has been for some time now. I have given myself to Christ in order for Him to be my Bridegroom. My desires are to submit to Him and allow for Him to pursue me. I love knowing that I rest in His arms and that all my comfort can be found in Him. I desire to share an intimate relationship with Him.

I am a Runaway Bride.

I have my gown on still and it's beautiful, but underneath my gown is a dirty pair of running shoes. I am a runner! Christ pursues me and loves me and anxiously awaits for the ceremony, but I keep running. At times I run rather quickly away from Christ as if I have something to hide. There are times that I gently walk away begging of Him to chase after me. But none the less I am a runaway bride.

My junior year of college my Grandma died and I ran far away from Christ. I lead a Christian life, but had no pursuit of the gospel. I continued down a very destructive path until I found myself crying in my closet begging for mercy and grace. I will never forget coming to that place or absolute emptiness. Christ never stopped pursuing me, but I kept running. I was back in the arms of my one true love, but no worries I would run again soon.

I moved back to Denton and got my feet back on track. I was going to do it right this time. I loved Him so of course I wouldn't leave Him again. It didn't take long for me to start pushing Him away and slowly trying get away from Him. He continued to pursue me and I stayed around for awhile. I loved Him with all my heart, but it was time to run again.

I tricked myself into believing that by playing the part I was still standing there with my groom. My dress was on, but I was running. I continued to date my groom, but would soon run away again. I couldn't dare truly surrender. Luckily, He continued to pursue me and tugged at my heart consistently. I continually try to run and continually pretend that I have surrendered, but I am only fooling myself.

It's been a very long and tiring journey for me the runner. In June I became very tired of running. I became weak and famished. Christ ran along side me the entire time. He picked me up and carried me the rest of the way. I lay there in awe of his grace, love and mercy. I desire to love Him with my everything and to mean it this time.

I surrender...Lord, here are my running shoes!!

Goose Egg

The story of how I got this goose egg is actually rather embarassing and I don't mind telling it but don't really think I want to post the story on-line. But I will go ahead and give you the cliff note version.

I woke up at 4:45 am with excruciating pains in my stomach. I went to the restroom and while sitting on the toilet I managed to pass out knocking myself out on the doorknob on the way down. I woke up around 4:55 only to find a good tennis ball sized goose egg on my forehead. By the time I took this picture I had already had ice on it for two hours...kind of wish I would have taken it earlier, but I was kind of in too much pain to consider taking a picture.


Please pray for me though because I am going to need to see the doctor. Several people have told me they wonder if it is vasovagal syncope. I also need to get checked for anemia because I have seen several symptoms of that also. Fainting=Fun!

Braggin' Time

My more than adorable nephew...this picture made me laugh so hard!!

My Selfish Life

About a week ago a friend of mine said that he felt like our generation was narcissistic. I disagreed coming from a clinical stand point because someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder takes selfishness to a pretty extreme measure. Also I disagreed because I felt like I did a pretty good job of putting others above myself. However, I do realize there are times that I can be pretty selfish too. When I told him that I didn't feel I was narcissistic he agreed, but now that this past week has gone by I'm not so sure I agree.

Last Saturday night my heart was broken and I found myself crying and needing a friend. I called a particular friend and have yet to hear from them. At first I was deeply wounded and still find myself a little frustrated, but at one point this week God told me to stop being selfish. "Really God? I'm being selfish, what about them? They aren't being a very good friend to me and I really need them right now." I continued to argue with God because I kind of think He's ridiculous at this point and then "Shhhh...Jana, listen to yourself." If you look back at my sentence it's all about me...they aren't being a good friend to me and I need them. Me, me, me. I kind of sit back frustrated because I can't believe that God is telling me to stop being selfish when I needed someone to listen to me because my heart was aching. But I do as I am told and I get over myself and I think about that friend. Yes, I admit I'm still a little frustrated but I also have come to realize that my friend has a lot going on right now and has many priorities.

This message has continued to play a part in my life over the course of the past week. I am constantly reminded of my selfishness. First, God points it out to me directly. Then I hear a message at Recovery on Thursday night where I hear it again. Then I am talking to my sponsor last night and I hear it again. And then this morning I sit in Step Study only to hear it yet again. I am selfish. I want my needs to be met by others. Not only am I selfish but I'm a spiritual adulterer and I put my friends in the place of God. Only God can truly fulfill those needs and I continually look to others.

Scentsational!

After falling in love with my Scentsy warmer I have decided to start selling the product myself.
This warmer has been a great addition to my home as I no longer have to worry about forgetting to blow out the candles and it makes my house smell better any way!!

I can't help but share this with all of my family and friends because I know that you will absolutely love this product! It's perfect for those of you who are teachers and can't have candles in your classroom! It's also perfect for those of you sitting in an office that doesn't allow candles because let's just be honest in saying most offices don't smell that great. It's also perfect for the dorms because you can't really seem to do much in a dorm room to make it smell better.


This is great for you, but it's also a great gift for everyone so go ahead and check out my website: http://www. scentsy. com/scentsfromjana

Feel free to help me with my Debut party by placing an order between now and the 26th of August.
Plus it's 10% off everything this month!!

If you would like to host a party email or call me and we can talk about a party!!

A Changing Heart

I recall my freshman year of college thinking my friend, Lauren, was the sweetest girl you would ever meet. She loved everyone and no one could ever do her so wrong that she be angry with them. That wasn't the case for me. I couldn't understand how Lauren could be so sweet and how she could deal with some of the people she did. I didn't get it at all, but I valued her friendship so much and only wished I could be more like her.

I was a bit feisty by nature and was ready to put up a fight. I was wounded and defensive so if you crossed my path at the wrong time or I felt wronged then you would pay. Simple. I was good with my words and knew just how to hit right below the belt. I was pretty good if I don't admit so myself. I kind of enjoyed being this way--it was easy, it was what was known. No one could hurt me this way. Let me clarify by saying that I was sweet and I did have friends, it just wasn't good to be disliked by me. It wasn't good to catch me on a bad day. If I was mad you could guarantee you would know about it.

Wow, the Lord has done a number on me in the past few years. I am still not nearly as sweet as Lauren and am unsure I will ever be that sweet. But now I can look in the mirror and see a sweet girl. I can look in my heart and know that I've changed a lot and also know how I really feel. I feel so guilty about all the people I probably hurt. I love them, each and every one of them. And even though they may have hurt me I wish that I wouldn't have turned around and been hateful back. So if you were one of the ones I hurt then I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I want to be sweet. I want to be that friend you can really count on. I want to be someone that you can see Christ in...I'm pretty sure you were able to see the devil in me back then. But I know God has done a number in my life. If I have hurt you in any way please let me know so that I can apologize to you apart from this general apology. I truly am sorry for any hurt I may have caused any of you. I pray you can see a cahnge in me and that you can trust me again. I love you all very very much!!

A Blast from the Past

Can anyone else relate to these awesome memories? Perhaps I am missing a few great classics, but I couldn't help but come up with this list as I sat and watched a few of my favorite movies this week. Leave comments of your favorites from your childhood!!

Movies

Benny & Joon
Curly Sue
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitters Dead
Harry and the Hendersons
Love Potion #9
Willow
Short Circuit
Ghostbusters
Clue
Big
Indiana Jones
Annie
Death Becomes Her
Troop Beverly Hills
Beetlejuice
Twins
Bio-Dome
Drop Dead Fred
Newsies
Back to the Future
Empire Records
The Goonies
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Weekend at Bernies
Steel Magnolias
The Karate Kid
City Slickers
Edward Scissorhands
Three Men and a Baby
Freaky Friday
Pee-Wee's Big Adventure

TV Shows

Roseanne
Full House
The Cosby Show
Alf
Punky Brewster
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Alvin and the Chipmunks
Out of this World
Saved by the Bell
Who's the Boss?
What You Talkin' 'Bout Willis?
Growing Pains
Dumbo's Circus
Sharon, Lois and Bram
The Smurfs
Kids Incorporated
Fresh Prince of Belair
Fraggle Rock
Webster
Double Dare
American Gladiators

Music

New Kids on the Block
Wilson Phillips
Tiffany
Debbie Gibson
MC Hammer
Michael Jackson

Toys

Popples
Strawberry Shortcake
My Little Pony
Cabbage Patch Kids
Pound Puppies
Rainbow Brite
Raggedy Ann
Smurfs
Care Bears
Glo Worm
Hot Wheels
Koosh Ball
Life
Mad Libs
Legos
Lite Brite
Teddy Ruxpin
Trolls

Books

Ghostbusters
The Babysitters Club
The Bernstein Bears
Amelia Bedelia

Other Favorites

Jellys
Slap Bracelets
Pogs
The side clip for t-shirts
Rolled down colored socks
Umbros
Mossimo
Leg Warmers

Differences Among Us

In the past year I have noticed a lot more about relationships than ever before. It may have something to do with a particular relationship in my own life or perhaps the counseling, but none the less I have made some observations.

I'd have to say the number one problem is our inability to communicate with one another. I find this to be true time and time again. The sad part is that we may have really good communication with one person but then with someone else it just doesn't seem to work out that way. I find that I have certain friends that I am completely okay with critique while others completely hurt you when they try to recorrect. The reason for this is because of communication. One person may be able to tell you something in a manner that is beneficial and even uplifting while someone else may tear you apart to the core. We must learn how to communicate effectively with one another in order to maintain healthy friendships.

I once was not someone who wanted to work through things. If you were mad at me or upset with me then I just let you be and I could have cared less. I didn't need you any way. Wow--I sure was prideful! But now I am someone who wants to sit down and figure out exactly how we can do life together, just exactly how we can get along better and really truly be friends. An issue came up this week between me and one of my roommates. I had hurt her feelings through my actions which had not been my intention. So we talked it through and I discussed with her exactly what it is she needed from me and what I needed to do to change. I then told her areas where I had been hurt and she apologized and learned from me what I needed. If we wouldn't have had this open communication we would have just destroyed our friendship, but instead we made it stronger. I encourage you all to set aside your differences with people and figure out a middle ground.

This brings up the second reason I think we have such a hard time interacting with others, we grew up differently so our value systems are different and our insecurities are different as well. I have seen this time and time again as I set up expectations for people based on my system of beliefs. Perhaps I expect a man to hold the door open for me and when one doesn't I get mad, but perhaps that man was never taught that was respectful in the first place.

In my last dating relationship the guy had a tendency to not call when he said he was going to which irritated me because I was raised in such a way that you at least made contact just to say you were busy or you would get back to them later. But he was raised in such a way that you just got back to that person whenever you could, whenever you were done with whatever it is you had to finish even if it meant not calling that person until the next day. I had to learn to forgive him when he would forget to call and he had to learn to try harder to call when he said he would call. I just encourage you to be open in communication so that when something comes up you can come to an understanding with one another so that you can strengthen your own relationship. If I would have continued to get frustrated with him and he continued not to try then our relationship would have been destroyed because both of us were too selfish to change a little.

The insecurities bit is another problem I've seen in relationships as well. One of my insecurities is that I don't belong or that people don't like me because I'm not "cool" enough. This comes from high school and being severely rejected by the "in" crowd. So I have a tendency to get my feelings hurt when I perceive someone "cool" as rejecting me. This often times happens with my own friends and I will become upset because I feel like they are choosing my more "cool" friends to hang out with and forget about me. While this might be the case sometimes, in most cases this is not the case and it was completely not related at all.

Each of us has our own insecurities that now cause us to react in certain ways in current relationships. Perhaps you were once cheated on so you don't trust the next guy you date because you just know that he too will break that trust. Maybe you've been betrayed by friends many times in the sense that they always end up dating the guy you liked so then you never tell anyone who you like so they can't steal him away. This week alone I told one of my friends that I understood if they didn't want to be friends any more because they started dating someone because I am used to people saying goodbye to friendships when they start dating. Yet this isn't always the case. Not only did I try to tell a friend goodbye, but I also withdrew from another friend who started dating just so I didn't have to be rejected. Be cautious of your insecurities and the affect they have on your life. Not only should you be aware of them, but you should make an effort to get rid of them. I know that's my goal because by having them I am allowing Satan to have a hold in my life.

My Adult Post

We have had a recent problem with one of our dogs peeing all over the place. We couldn't manage to find the spot for the longest time though. Then this week I finally got on my hands and knees and sniffed out the carpet...only to find that Bella had peed a lot in one particular area. And by a lot I mean she's probably been peeing in the same area every day for a month. We have decided that we need to do some serious cleaning considering it kind of smells like we have a nasty cat liter in our house which is not okay. So I was at working looking through websites trying to find some good advice and I found this amazing website and had to share it with all of you especially my mommy's. Turns out we are all adults now and we get excited about carpet cleaning tips!!

Carpet Cleaning

Sorry that I haven't posted the relationship blog yet...I have started it, but didn't realize I would need to organize my thoughts as much as I am. Plus I went to camp for a week.

Posting

Things I want to post about...

1) Thankful for my life--even the crap!
2) Selfishness and it's destruction.
3) The Differences Among People and the Hurt It Causes

What do you want to hear about first?

Tristan Michael

Tristan Michael Bush

June 17th, 2008

7 lbs 11 oz 19 in

Aunt Nanners first shot!

Getting warm under the heat lamp!

It's Time

This song pretty much sums up what God is doing in my life. It's probably my new favorite song because it's my life. So much of the song speaks to me and where I am with my walk with Christ and what I feel like He is doing in my life at this time. Absolutely amazing!!

Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Christianity & Complacency

I guess I do a lot of thinking once I crawl in bed to unwind for the day and tonight I can't help but think about Christianity and complacency. I recall several years ago I was involved in a wonderful ministry. At the time I thought that some of their beliefs were a bit over the top and didn't necessarily agree with them. I thought the only hug from the side if it's a guy and a girl thing was just ridiculous. I thought it was kind of stupid that as a leader we had to sign a contract saying we wouldn't drink. But now I am thankful for all of that and even wish I would have continued to follow that in my own life.

With the psychology and counseling background that I have, I am very familiar with A.A. Although it was originally created as a spiritual recovery program it has since then become more secular. I think about what an alcoholic goes through and the difficulty of abstaining from alcohol. I know that they have to truly have supportive friends that won't allow for alcohol to be around when the alcoholic is present and some friends and family go as far to abstain from alcohol themselves. What a powerful impact those friends and families have on the life of that specific alcoholic allowing them to recover a little bit easier by deciding to take those things out of their own life in order to help prevent relapse.

Thinking about this kind of frustrates me when I then think about Christians and the roles played out relating to sin. 1 Corinthians 8:13 says "Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall." Also in Romans 14:12b "Make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way." and then versse 21 "It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall." These verses have really spoken a lot to me this week. As the alcoholics family gives up alcohol in order to help their friend or family member shouldn't we also give up some things in order to keep our brothers or sisters from stumbling? Perhaps this is where that "over the top" Christianity comes back into play for me.

Say I have a lot of friends come over to hang out and we decide to have margaritas. Margaritas in and of themselves are not a bad thing, but say an alcoholic comes to the party. What then have I done? Let's take this down a notch. Say that a friend cusses thinking it's funny and not necessarily all that wrong, but another person struggles with keeping a pure mouth...what then have I done? This one is a little different since none of us should really be talking that way in the first place, but the point being I then cause my brother to stumble. "Avoid Godless chatter because those who indulge in it become more and more ungodly." 2 Timothy 2 :16. For the females, knowing that guys tend to struggle with lust shouldn't we then make sure we cover ourselves well? I have always been conservative in the way I dress and tend to always put a tank under low cut shirts. Why would we put our ladies out there to taunt our guy friends and possibly cause them to stumble. Put your ladies away girls, pull them out on the honeymoon but until them keep them in a safe place. 1 Timothy 2:9a "I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety."

In this I am saying that there are things that we do in our lives that are not sinful in and of themselves, but could cause someone close to us to stumble. But then there are also things in our lives that I believe we as Christians have justified as being "ok" to do. When really we need to stop justifying our actions and live Godly lives. I see a lot of justification of sin and it's really a crock of a crap if you ask me. I am not saying that I in any way have mastered any of these things and probably struggle with a number of them, but God is doing something in my life and I want to make a change. I love that we justify a friends actions instead of doing what the bible tells us to do. Luke 17:3 "So watch yourselves. 'If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.' "

Just now I sit here flipping through my bible pulling verses for this post and I run across this one...2 Timothy 4:2-3 "Peace the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke, and encourage-with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear." Perhaps this verse speaks a number on why we justify things we know are clearly unacceptable and wrong.

Now that's what I call love...

Genesis 1:31 "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day."

This verse kept me awake at 1:30 in the morning. I was laying in bed after reading Genesis 1 thinking about what I had just read. What was different about it this time compared to the other times I had read the same scriptures. I laid there contemplating what it could be that was different and after several minutes it came to me.

In the rest of Genesis when God is creating the heavens and the earth at the end of the day he sees that it is good, but after creating man and woman he states that it was very good. So compared to the rest of His creation he sees the creation of man very good. So what does that mean to me and why did it keep me awake at 1:30?

It was at that moment that I realized that God knew that we would mess it all up and yet he said it was very good. He created us and everything was perfect, yet God knew that we were going to really mess everything up with in no time. Eve would eat the apple causing the fall. God would wipe away everyone through the flood. He then promises not to kill us all off but when we continue to screw up he confuses the speech among His people. We continually goof up and He has to send His only son to save us. And knowing that all of this would happen he still says that it is very good that He created us.

Wow...we are truly loved and so undeserving!

Broken

Lyrics to the song Broken by Lifehouse...my new favorite song!

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

Hurting

I have reached a time in my life in which I'm so broken that I don't even feel that I have the strength to stand up on my own. I honestly know that only by the Lords grace can I begin to stand at this time. I know that he is the only reason I have any strength at all. I am so thankful for that! I cannot imagine experiencing what I'm experiencing now with out the love of my Lord and Saviour. Not only can I imagine going through these experiences with out him, but I can't imagine going through them with out an incredible set of friends. I have so many wonderful friends that I can really rely on as well.

However, its a bit strange that I feel the need to hide my pain from my family. I typically am not that way in the least bit. I rely on and stand close to my family all the time. They know everything because I trust them with everything. But for some really strange reason I don't want them to know how bad I hurt...I don't want them to see my weak and vulnerable. I want them to think I'm strong.

Loved

Today my roommate and I talked about the sweet little things a guy will do that causes your heart to skip a beat. It's the random hand holdings and the sweet kisses over the forehead that really do us in. We were talking about how it's more meaningful to receive that kind of affection than to become physical with one another.

Quickly after our conversation she asked me if this was because of the relationships we had with our fathers or the lack of relationships with our father. I personally don't see a connection, but perhaps there is.

However, tonight while I was driving home from dinner I looked into the sky to see one of the most beautiful sunsets I had seen in a very long time. The sunset took my breathe away and I immediately thanked God for creating such a beautiful sunset. Not only did I get to see an absolutely beautiful sunset today, but on my way to work I saw the most beautiful rainbow. The rainbow was totally unexpected and one of those things you rarely get to see. I couldn't help but thank God for the beauty of his creation...twice today.

Every time I see something beautiful like that I thank God for showing me He loves me. Perhaps that sounds strange to some of you, but I kind of feel like God is whispering "Hey, I love you!" as he paints the sky with beauty. He realizes that those are the things that brighten my day and that take my breath away.

Perhaps my heart skips a beat when God does something like paints a beautiful sunset or rainbow at just the right time...the same way that my heart skips a beat with a boy slides his fingers between mine or kisses me gently across the forehead. To be in love with God is such a sweet thing...

MIA

So I've been MIA for the past month...

Between school, work and my internship, I really haven't had much free time. My semester ended on Thursday which has been a sweet relief. I have three weeks of calmness before the storm hits again, but then I am done in August. It will be nice to have a couple of weeks off where for once every night isn't booked solid and I might get some full nights of rest.

Be praying for me as my work assignment ends at the beginning of June and I currently have nothing to go to. Also, I need a job for August when I graduate. And lastly...I need a roommate.

Speaking of roommates...I had a new girl move in and she's absolutely wonderful. I love and adore her! The reason I have another space is because Marisha got engaged and is getting married soon. Congratulations Rishy Roo!

My Very Best Friend!!

I will write in pink in honor of my very bestest friend in the entire world since this blog is about her. Thirteen years ago God placed in my life the most incredible girl ever, her name is Chelsey. I can honestly say that our friendship was completely God ordained. There are people in your life that come in for a season and then shortly after that they leave. I feel very fortunate that Chelsey and I will always be friends. The friendship we have shared has had it's ups and downs, but ultimately has stayed strong over the years. We've been to hell and back more than once and come out on the other side. We have held each other in the most difficult of times and laughed are butts off in the happiest of times. There are things in this life that we've experience together and apart, but either way they have brought us close together. Parts of our lives were so similar that we were truly the only person that could truly understand what the other way going through. All of these things make me know that our friendship was completely God ordained and I couldn't be more thankful for God's special blessing in my life. Not only have we become the best of friends, but she has become my sister.

Our bond has given us such a closeness that I consider her part of my family. I consider her children to be my niece and nephew just as if they were really born into my family. This week Caleb accepted Christ and what a joy that was for me as his Aunt! I am so excited to be able to be a part of Caleb & Carleigh's lives and can't wait to watch the people they grow up to be!!

I LOVE YOU CHELSEY!!!

Graduation

I will be graduating from Dallas Baptist University on 08/08/08! What a cool date to graduate on-I'm such a nerd! I can't believe that in less than 5 months I will have a Masters degree.

Countdown Clocks at WishAFriend.com

Why?

Why is it that we hurt the ones we care the most about?

There is someone in my life that has grown to become one of my very best friends. This person has helped me to overcome my deepest and darkest side, the side of myself that I had grown to believe would never change. This person was patient with me in an area in my life where most people were too frustrated with me to see me through it. But this friend, they stuck with me and encouraged me along the way. And with their help and encouragement I was able to overcome a part of myself that caused a lot of heartache. This part of myself is something I was once extremely proud of, but for the past 5 years have been very ashamed of. This individual quickly showed me a new side and a new way to handle myself. They pointed out to me things that I had never really looked at before.

I have had to learn to swallow my pride in very big ways. I have also had to learn that the way I react sometimes is by far nothing that resembles Christ. There are things about my life now that look so different from my past. I am utterly amazed by the difference! To know me now and to know me then is like knowing two different people. God truly can change people.

This junk that my friend has helped me through is the shameful "anger" issues that I've been struggling with for my entire life. I was always quick to get angry and even quicker to make you pay if you were the one to make me angry. What a drag I must have been! Tonight I lost my cool with this friend like I would have in the past. I got upset and had my feelings hurt because I perceived their actions in the wrong manner, but instead of informing them that I was upset in an appropriate manner I went off on them. I was truly out of line.

What scares me the most about this is that it's possible that because of my foolishness I could have hurt my friend. I would never ever want to hurt this friend as they mean more than the world to me. The very thought of hurting them crushes my heart. I hate that it's the ones we care most about that we are most likely to hurt.

To my friend...thanks a million for everything you've been in my life! Thanks for putting up with me when the rest of the world has given up. I cannot imagine my life with out you. You truly are amazing and I thank God for you every day!

Music, Memories & the Lord

There are a few songs that I will always manage to cry during because of the significance of the song in my life. I can nearly remember a song for every family member that I've lost. With my GeeMa it was Amazing Grace as it was the song that was sung to her while she was on her death bed by one of the nurses at her Hospice place. Then with my Uncle it was I Can Only Imagine because two days after his death I went to church and heard this song for the first time. I completely lost it as I thought about my Uncle no longer having to imagine as he was there experiencing Heaven. And lastly with my Granddad it was Because He Lives as it was song sang at his funeral. Besides those three there are several more songs that remind me of my GeeMa & Granddad that almost always bring me to tears as well. The lyrics to most of these songs bring comfort and remind me of my own walk with Christ.

Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

I Can Only Imagine

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

Chorus:
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

Chorus

I can only imagine [x2]

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

Because He Lives

God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!

Chorus:
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!

Chorus

And then one day, I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to vict'ry,
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives!

Chorus

There is one more song that reminds me of both my Grandma & Granddad. This song has been a reminder to me as I've been thinking about the cross this week. Thinking about the cross and these songs really helps me to think about what Christ has done for my life and kind of helps me put things into perspective a little more. It's weird to me that I've been a Christian most of my life and just now am I really grasping the cross. Here are the other two song lyrics, both old hymns but awesome songs!

The Old Rugged Cross

On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
The emblem of suffering and shame;
And I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain.

Refrain:
So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.

O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world,
Has a wondrous attraction for me;
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary.

Refrain

In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,
A wondrous beauty I see,
For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
To pardon and sanctify me.

Refrain

To the old rugged cross I will ever be true;
Its shame and reproach gladly bear;
Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,
Where His glory forever I’ll share.

Refrain

There are many more songs that remind me of my grandparents as well as Christ. And hearing them bring joy to my heart as I think of both God and my grandparents. They truly were in love with the Lord and I am so thankful for that because of their relationship with God I have also been able to experience the same joy. Most of these songs are sung by the Gaithers, but I refuse to enjoy their music. I kind of miss singing songs like these at church. Yesterday morning it was nice to sing "Because He Lives" even though it did make me cry. I love and miss my Papaw & Grandma, Granddad & GeeMa and Uncle Toot, but am so thankful that I will see them again some day.

The Cross

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been reading the book The Search for Significance. He made a very profound statement that I can't seem to forget, "Every day our minds should be overwhelmed by thankfulness for what he did on our behalf."

On dictionary.com, overwhelmed means to affect deeply in mind or emotion. I think about my mind being overwhelmed by the very thought of Christ on the cross. If I would focus on his death on the cross daily and remember his payment for my sin what a different lifestyle I might actually live. When I really do sit and think about his death on the cross I become overwhelmed with emotion and tears begin to stream down my cheeks. I can't help but remember Jesus upon the cross in the movie The Passion of the Christ.

To look at this picture alone sends chills up my spine as I think about the excruciating pain Christ went through on my behalf. I often joke about watching this movie when a group of people is around because it's definately going to change to mood of the crowd. I haven't seen this movie since it came out in 2004 and I think that perhaps it is a movie I should watch more often because it paints such a great picture of Christ's sacrifice for my life. If nothing else I should just watch the scenes in which Christ begins to be beaten to death and then forced to carry his cross through the city to the hill in which he lays his life down for me.

I can't help but be reminded of the verse Romans 5:8, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." This verse often finds me in a place of sorrow as I think about how sinful I am and how Christ died upon the cross for me despite this. God loves me enough that no matter how many times I will sin against me his love will remain the same. Amazing.

In honor of Easter I post the lyrics and a youtube video to the song, How Could You Say No? This is by far one of my favorite songs representing the picture of Christ giving up his life for me...

Thorns on His head, spear in His side
Yet it was a heartache that made Him cry
He gave His life so you would understand
Is there any way you could say no to this Man?

If Christ Himself
Were standing here
Face full of glory and eyes full of tears
Held out His arms with His nail pierced hands
Is there any way you could say no to this Man?

Chorus:
How could you look in His tear-stained eyes
Knowing it's you He's thinking of?
Would you tell Him you're not ready to give Him your life?
Could you say you don't think you need His love?
Jesus is here with His arms open wide
You can see Him with your heart if you'll stop looking with your eyes
He's left it up to you, He's done all He can
Is there any way you could say no to this Man?

Thorns on His head, your life is in His hands
Is there any way you could say no to this Man?
Oh, is there any way you could say no to this Man?

The Parenting Role

I heard some time ago that we as females often view God in the same way that we view our fathers. If our fathers are very harsh disciplinarians then when we sin we believe that God will make us pay for our sin in the same way our earthly fathers did. I didn't buy into this for a long time because I thought that despite the unhealthy relationship I had with my earthly father I had a pretty good concept of who my heavenly father was and those two people were completely different. In reality I really did view God in some ways the way I viewed my father. My father may have lost his temper with me easily, but not once did I think that God was angry with me. However, the way my father shows me he loves me is through providing for all my needs and a good portion of my wants. I realized a couple of years ago that I had started to view God this way. I believed that if God loved me he would do things for me and make sure everything worked out the way I wanted to and when things didn't I decided God didn't love me. What a screwed up perception of God I had developed. I have recently been reminded of this truth about our view of God and our relationship with our parents.

I have been reading the book The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee for my Approaches to Christian Counseling class and in this book he mentions this occurring. In the book McGee states "Our parents are our models of the character of God." After reading this short sentence my heart became overwhelming distressed. I want more than anything in the world to raise children who love God and desire to live their lives for Him. Therefore I feel a great call on my own life to develop the character of God in my own life in order that they may see that modeled and not have a distorted view of God, but instead be able to see God clearly because of the way they were raised by their own parents.

Today while I was watching the kids I nanny for, the little boy kicked his soccer ball which managed to go over the banister and into a glass vase lined up across a shelf in the dining room. His mother has often reminded him to be careful when kicking his soccer ball in the house because it is highly possible he would accidentally kick the ball into one of her glass vases. As the ball collided with the glass vase the look on Ethan's face was nothing but pure horror. I said "uh oh" as I thought of the shattered pieces laying on the ground beneath us and the words that came from my mouth sent him running into his room to hide. I walked over to the banister to find the glass vase laying all in one piece on the carpet. What a relief! I went into my boys room to find him lying under his bed shaking with freight. I let him know that the vase didn't break and it was safe to come out. He was still terrified as he thought his parents would never forgive him for what he had done. I assured him that everything was okay and gently guided him out from under the bed. His father is home on Fridays, but I felt like he needed time to cool down before we broke the news to dad.

So this afternoon I ask him to go break the news with me. I told him I would hold his hand, but we had to be honest with dad and let him know what happened. My little boy became overwhelmed with fear of his father's reaction. I know that his parents are nothing but loving and I am certain that his father will forgive him and accept him with open arms. I try encouraging him over and over again, but he doesn't want to tell his father but tells me I can. I open the door to his fathers office and he falls to the ground and begins sobbing uncontrollably. I tell his father that something happened, but Ethan is terrified to tell him. His father gently asks Ethan to come talk to him and Ethan runs and hides. His father goes to find Ethan and tries to get Ethan to tell him the story, but Ethan remains terrified. He then asks me the story and after I tell him what happened he walks back over to his son, puts his arms around him and says "I know it was an accident and it's okay". He then leans down and kisses his son on the forehead and says "I love you!" I told his father that one of Ethan's greatest fears was that he wouldn't be able to get the vase back up on the shelf so his father tells him that they will put it back up together. His father leaves the room to return to work, but assures his son that everything is okay and that he is loved.

I crawl up next to Ethan and begin to rub his back to help him calm down as he continues to sob uncontrollably. I remind Ethan that his father is not angry and that he has been forgiven. I remind him that his father loved him. Ethan continued crying for some time and I just continued to remind him that despite his mistake his fathers love for him had not changed.

I think about Ethan's fear in a different light as I think about myself as a child. I think about how if I would have done the same thing I would have been yelled at for coming close to breaking something when I had been reminded not to act like a fool in the first place. I would have been yelled at despite the fact that I had done so accidentally because I should have been smarter than that. This would have been my father's reaction to the same situation. Although my mother very much would have responded in the same manner as Ethan's dad.

What a vital role we play in the life of our children. If Ethan's father would have responded the way that he expected him too, Ethan may have began to develop a poor view of God. That is that his love is conditional and he is unforgiving. However, perhaps because of his fathers gentle and loving response Ethan will grow up to learn that God loves him unconditionally and forgives him when he goofs.

As I continue reading the book a very important statement is mentioned time and time again as a reminder to us where our significance comes from. McGee states, "We are deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted, and complete in Christ." I think about these words and they remind me of the role I need to play in my children's lives. I need to consider how I can show my children that they are deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted and complete in Christ. Perhaps remembering today's lesson will be a great reminder to me of what I should do as a mother in order to show my children that they are all of these things.

I pray that we all begin to develop these characteristics and that we learned to be like Christ. I pray that I will allow my anger to end with me and that my children will see a loving, caring, and forgiving mother. May we truly be parents that bless our children and shows them the love of Christ through our own actions. May our children grow up to love God and see Him through us. I pray every day that my niece will see God through her parents love for her. I know full well that my sister and her husband show Ellie God's love through their own love for her. Even when she is disciplined for doing something wrong she walks away knowing that she is loved by them and completely forgiven.

My Heart for Kenya

I have become increasingly passionate about going to Kenya and cannot wait for a time in my life in which I can go and be used. This has been a week that my heart's affection have been stirring up like crazy for Kenya.

I am now teaching an advanced computer class at a middle school and had to come up with a multimedia project. I was messing around with Photo Story as a possible option for my kids and I made a story about Kenya. I am not sure why I did it really, but I just pulled up some photos of Kenya and the people in the city. The story turned out really sweet, but because of my scripture usage I will probably not be using it in my classroom. I do however believe that it could be a pretty sweet missions video. This was the first time this week that God put Kenya on my heart.

And then tonight I was overwhelmed with emotions for Kenya. During worship we sang God of This City written by Bluetree (please read the story behind the song here)

You're the God of this city, You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation, You are
You're the light in this darkness, You're the hope to the hopeless
You're the peace to the restless, You are
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this city

My heart began to stir deeply for Kenya during this song. I belted the song as Kenya lay heavily on my heart and tears began to drip down my cheeks. What a beautiful picture of God in the city. I began to get excited about the possibility of getting a trip in after graduation if it could possibly work out. I planned on talking to a friend of mine who knows a family moving over there. Then Matt gets up to speak and what's he got to say? That our church will probably be starting missions in Kenya and Tanzania as we have two families heading out. One of those families being the family I was going to call my friend about. Holy crap...are you kidding? We're going to be going to Kenya? I've been wanting to do this for so long and now it's all coming to the surface. As if this wasn't enough to get me all elated...

After church I turn back and see a man sitting alone. I notice his shirt and realize that he is from Africa, but really don't think more of it. I guess God wanted me to talk to him, because I turn around again and his arm is up and he has a bracelet on that reads "KENYA". Immediately I feel God tell me to go speak to him and with out hesitation I jump up. Let's just be honest in saying that this is completely out of my comfort zone. I am the girl who when they say "greet those around you", suddenly I have the urge to use the restroom. I have a brief but good conversation with my new friend, David. We talked a bit and then he told me that he hoped to see me the following week. I most definately look forward to seeing him again next week and getting to know him more. May God richly bless David's life!

I am pumped about what the Lord is doing in my life. I am excited to see my heart for Kenya grow. I am ecstatic about the possibility of going to Kenya with my church. I am especially excited about my new friend, David.

Guilty & Starving

Why do we think that we can live off God's word for more than a day? We would not ever consider missing an entire day with out some kind of nutrition. Yet we go days, weeks, months and possibly even years with out nutrition from the word.

I am guilty of starving myself. I am only harming myself by starving myself spiritually just as I would physically. I am weak because I am lacking.

One that starves themselves physically often times is starving themselves as a way to gain control of their life. When I am not in the word I begin to take control of my life and leave God out of the picture. However, when I am in the word it pretty dang impossible for me not to let God be center of my life. He becomes what I live for and through wisdom I learn to let him take control of my life.

May I stop starving myself and really dig in and devour what the Lord has in store for me.

Loss of a Loved One

My heart is a bit crushed this evening. I found out about the loss of another sweet little baby girl. Two weeks ago, my friend Kristi & her husband, Drew, lost their beautiful little girl. Then tonight I find out that Mandy's niece has also gone home to be with the Lord. Both of these precious little baby girls were only three and a half months old.

It's hard for any of us to understand why the Lord has taken either of them home, but we also can gain some comfort knowing they are resting in the Lord's arms tonight. I can't imagine the pain and heart ache these families are experiencing. I can be somewhat empathetic, but at the same time really have no idea. I can understand a little more with Mandy as I have a niece and know that I would practically die if anything ever happened to her. However, I don't really know what Kristi & Drew are experiencing as I have never had a child of my own. I know that the love of a child is far stronger than the love of a niece which makes me somewhat understand the pain they are experiencing and makes me realize it has to be far more painful than what I would be experiencing. It helps me be empathetic to their situation as I know that numbness overwhelms them.

Pray for my friends as they are experiencing the loss of someone they love dearly. The loss of a child, a niece, and a granddaughter. Definitely someone none of them ever expected to have to witness their death. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

Pray for Kristi & Drew as they have started adjusting to life with out their daughter and with out the close surrounding of their friends and family as they have started drifting. Pray for them as they prepare to clean out Ryane's room. Pray that they will be comforted by the Lord during the difficult times.

Pray for Mandy & Sam as they truly were in love with their little niece, Lilly. Pray for Lilly's parents, Richard & Jennifer. And pray that their entire family be comforted during this time. Pray for the funeral that will be this Friday at 4pm. Pray for comfort and peace!!

A Desire for Godliness

My friend, Magen, responded to my last blog with something very profound. Her response, “He loves a heart that truly desires Him, which is what I think your struggle comes down to. You truly desire more of Him, but fail in your flesh.”

She hit it right on the target. My heart desires Christ so much, but I continue to fail in my flesh. My heart grows heavy at the very thought of this. Saying that out loud just now brought me to a place of tears as I am so frustrated with it all. Over the past several months I have to come to a place where I throw myself to the ground and beg for God’s mercy and love time and time again. I thank Him for bringing me to a place where he pulls me back in line, but beg for his mercy as I continue to fail Him.

I almost become overwhelmed by being more like Christ. I desire so much to be like Him and for a short time I run and chase after Him, but then I become frustrated and I give up. I’ve laid in my bed or on my floor on more than one occasion begging for forgiveness as I manage to go astray. The best part of going astray is when God pulls us back in. He continues to love us and continues to chase after us despite the fact that we continue to go astray.

My prayer is that this time I won't just run after him for a short time, but that I will truly desire to pursue a relationship with my Savior. I desire so much to become disciplined in my pursuit of Christ. I can't help but think of the lyrics I hung onto at church last night..."I Surrender All!" I truly desire to surrender my all and my everything to run and chase after my Lord and Savior!!

The Faithless

Sometimes I feel like I'm the faithless while other times I feel so full of faith. When I'm going through a hard time I always rely on the Lord for strength and provision. But there comes a time when my faith begins to weaken and I begin to become faithless. I will consistently pray for something and I grow frustrated with God as He continues to not answer my prayer. The time that this is hardest for me is when there is a time frame that I really need the prayer answered in. A good example of this would be when I was praying for my practicum site for school. I should have started my practicum back at the beginning of January and here it is the end of February and I have yet to start. I become desperate and pray harder, but with no response I grow angry at the Lord and wonder if I've managed to lose my connection with Him. Maybe I'm not praying at all, even worse maybe I'm not even a Christian. The thoughts consume my mind and I grow even more frustrated. I see the people around me having their prayers answered instantly and I wonder what's wrong with me and wonder if I just don't really know how to pray or something. My friends often throw out the "well, have you prayed about it?" And my response is always, "well duh!" Let's just be honest..what's my prayer life really look like? By pray about it, I simply mean I've prayed about it. My prayer probably looks like this... "Lord help me find a practicum site that I can be used in and that I will learn from...and fast. Thanks!" And that's probably it for a few days until I realize that I really need a place again. Then I pray again and probably the same thing. And let me just say that those few days between prayers are empty...I don't pray at all. I don't call on God for anything. I've allowed God to be my helping hand when I need him, I don't desire a relationship with Him like he desires with me. I just desire for him to provide for me when I need him, I just need his blessings...like I deserve them.

I am reminded of Philippians 4:4 & 6 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" and "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Let's think about this verse for a moment. The first thing it says is to rejoice in the Lord always. Do I do that? Do I rejoice in the Lord even though he doesn't answer my prayers? Do I rejoice in the Lord in my frustration? It's okay for me to be frustrated or even angry, but I think that important thing for me to remember is that I just need to be honest with the Lord. I should thank the Lord that he allows me to be frustrated with Him, yet he still loves me during that moment. I need to rejoice in Him always! My prayers should not just be a time in which I run to the Lord when I need something. I should praise Him and rejoice in Him then present my requests to Him.

Do not be anxious about anything. This one is hard for me as I grow anxious rather quickly. Yet I am aware that God will take care of me. I know this based on scriptures and based on the fact that He has always taken care of me. When I read this scripture my mind quickly references to Luke 12 where Christ tells us not to worry about anything. He simply reminds us that if he takes care of the ravens, then he will take care of us. "And how much more valuable you are than birds." In verse 28 my heart grows heavy as I read these words, "O you of little faith!" My heart sinks in my chest as I realize how little faith I really do have. Then I am reminded of Matthew 17:20, when Christ says "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed..." Wow...all I need is a faith as small as a mustard seed. Talk about the faithless. This is when I become overwhelmed and burdened by the fact that I don't have faith in my Lord...not even as small as a mustard seed. When it comes down to it, everything I believe in and have faith in begins to dissolve when things don't go my way and I begin to lose faith.

Back to Philippians..."but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Maybe I should work on my prayer life and perhaps I'd see restoration in my faith as a result. By prayer and petition...it doesn't say to just pray, it says to petition my prayers. I looked up petition in the dictionary, "to beg for or request (something)." I see this prayer and petition as me on my knees before the Lord begging him for something, but not just on one occasion every few days. I should diligently pray for the Lord to show me, to guide me, in making the right decisions regarding my request (practicum in this case). But let's not lose sight of the rest of the verse...with thanksgiving. How often to I come before the Lord and ask for something then off I go? How often do I sit before the Lord and truly rejoice in the Lord, truly pray, seek relationship with Him, and offer thanksgiving? I'll be honest and say it's rare. In fact, it's probably only when I come to the place that I realize how desperate I am with out him. When my friend says to me, "have you prayed about it?" That's when I realize that I haven't really prayed about it at all.

So this was my process over the past few weeks as I prayed for my practicum. I grew frustrated by the lack of provision in my life and I went through my "faithless" moment. I lost my faith and for a week grew angry at the Lord. When my friend reminded me to pray I grew angry at him. How could he tell me to pray like I haven't done that already? But instead, his reminder of prayer that first made me angry with him ended up pushing me into "prayer and petition". It caused me to truly look at scriptures and prayer in a different light.

On Friday, I begged the Lord for provision and prayed that he would guide me. I grabbed my computer while laying on the couch with the flu and I believe it was then that God guided me. I began sending emails to anyone and everyone about practicums. I became desperate and had my mom send emails too. I was blessed in so many ways through this process. I talked with a woman from a church that allowed me to have restored passion for counseling...what a God thing. Then I had several encouraging responses. I even got some responses that may allow for a summer practicum and even possibly hours after I receive my license. Then I got an email at the last minute with the perfect opportunity. By last minute, I mean that if I wouldn't have received the offer at that time then I would have had to take an incomplete for the class and possibly cost myself a huge chunk of money. I got an offer to do counseling in a school in the district that I desire to be employed in as a teacher starting in the fall. Then to top that off, exactly a week later, the Principal at the school offered me a long-term sub position to finish the school year and stated she would allow me to do the counseling during my conference period. So basically...I got a paid internship. God provided for me in ways that I never could have expected and even better than I would have ever asked of Him. When I got the job offer I spent the entire afternoon thanking God for His provision. Rejoicing and thanking!

May I not forget this lesson. May I truly remember how God showed me to pray and how He restored my faith. May I continue to have faith as small as a mustard seed. May I restore my prayer life and my relationship with the Lord.

Passion Restored...

I went to college determined to become a Kindergarten teacher. It was after my first year that I realized I wasn't going to teach so I changed my major to Human Development and Family Studies, but had no idea what I would do with the degree. I looked into becoming a Child Life Specialist because my love for Children was still very evident. Then I took Intro to Marriage & Family Therapy, the class that began to stir up my affections. So then I registered for more classes about relationships, Courtship & Marriage and Close Relationships. I started studying Song of Solomon through Tommy Nelson's in depth study. And I also started my own studies on what it looked like to be a Godly wife as well as a Godly husband. My passion for the marriage relationship began to tug at my heart. I knew then that I would pursue Counseling because I knew that I wanted to work with Christian couples through pre-marital and marriage counseling. So I started looking into graduate schools to get my degree in Counseling.

It wasn't long before I found myself in the Counseling program at Dallas Baptist. I love my classes and love learning about human interaction. However, my passion for marriage counseling slowly disappeared. (I believe this partially has to do with the fact that I continue to be single) I continued to be passionate about children and wanted to find a job in social services in order to prepare myself for Counseling. I found a job with a foster care agency and became very passionate about those little children. I worked in that agency for six months, but became very worn down between work and school so I left. Over the following few months, I took a job that would allow me to focus on school but for whatever reason the job ended up not working out as the project I was working on got canceled. I took another job working in a foster care agency, but held a different position. I worked with my children on a more one-on-one basis helping them to develop specific skills, I worked a lot with children that needed to learn anger management.

After growing very frustrated with the agency I was working with and somewhat disappointed in my lack of passion for counseling I decided to follow my passion for children and get an alternative certification. It almost seems crazy that I would teach considering the path I've taken to get to this place. Don't worry...I have wrestled with this a lot. I love children and I am passionate about teaching me some little Kindergarten kids, but I know that is only temporary. I will be the best teacher that I can be during my time as a teacher, but I cannot say that I will be a teacher twenty years from now.

I still continue to be passionate about counseling and am finishing my Masters degree. I am not sure if I will get my license or not at this time. I may do school counseling after teaching for several years or I may not. I really have no idea what counseling looks like for me at this current point in time. I think this is what has made finding a Practicum hard for me this semester. I wanted to find something where I worked with children as I know that my passion for children will always be present. I have found something in the school system and am excited to work with the children and know that it will allow me to see if I want to pursue school counseling. However, during my search for a practicum site I spoke with a woman at a local church and talking with her helped restore my passion.

I realized then that my desire to receive a Masters in Counseling wasn't necessarily because I desired to be paid to use my degree. In fact, it was probably not that at all. My passion for counseling was to guide Christian couples in their marriages to develop healthier relationships. My desire was to learn what God's word said about husbands and wives, to learn about relationship dynamics and then use my skills to help married couples restore their love for one another. My desire was to help end a devastating statistic of Christian marriages ending in divorce. My desire was to help our future children from experiencing divorce. After talking with this woman who was offering free counseling to those in her church, I realized that my passion for counseling had nothing to do with a career but instead had everything to do with my ministry. I look forward to the day that I can use my skills as a counselor and my knowledge of the bible to help others in a very rewarding way.

I will do whatever it is that I do to the best of my ability. I will be the best teacher that I can be. I will be the best counselor that I can be. Ultimately, I will use whatever God has blessed me with to further his kingdom. I pray that God will continue to use me, his daughter, to do the work He has called me to do.

I visited my adviser yesterday afternoon to make sure I had my classes schedule correctly in order to graduate in December. After playing with my schedule a bit, we managed to make it to where I graduate in August. YAY-I graduate in 9 months!!!!